Co parenting

[StillinPJ]

It’s a long one, so bear with me.
me and my ex split over 2 years ago. We have been coparenting our 2 kids (10&7) doing 50/50. I have since moved on and have a new partner, who the kids adore. I work full time in a management position so juggling home life and parenthood can be tricky. The girls have been coping well with the 50/50 arrangements. However I am not happy with their dad’s behaviour and there’s so many issues I have brushed under the carpet. He barely spent anytime with them over Xmas and when I dropped them off at dads today he was very hungover. His behaviour over the past few months has been very drink focused. He has had 2 holidays, without his children in the past year and is now on about going on holiday in April and asked if I could take time off work during half term to have them on his days so he can go away. I fully understand he is single and wanting to have a good time but I don’t feel he always puts their needs first. We had 2 family holidays last year as for me holidays are for family. He is a good dad but when the children are there, there isn’t any routine and my 7 yr old tells me sometimes she goes to bed at midnight…I can tell if she has had a late night by how she comes back…overtired and miserable. Hair is matted and sometimes they don’t have dinner until 6:30/7 when their routine with me is 5pm to allow for bath and bed. A woman who he was seeing also had the kids once, without me knowing on his weekend so he could work!? I don’t want to upset routine, but I am seriously considering mediation following his behaviour. When I bring issues up to him he becomes defensive and throws things back at me. I fully understand everyone parents differently. When we were together I was the default parent and always did everything as he was always working. I’m stuck as what to do, as ultimately the kids always come first!

Pick your battles, I’d let him have the holidays but insist on bedtime and hair brushing

I don’t mind the holidays as long as they don’t conflict with our current arrangement. It annoyed me that he asked me use my annual leave to accommodate his holiday.
we’ve had so many battles with bed time routine and hair brushing. He sticks at it for a few weeks and then we are back to square one.

At 10 and 7, your children should be more than capable of brushing their own hair.

I don't think he should be booking holidays when it's his time to have the children, unless there isn't really any opportunities for him to a week fully away without doing so.
The children are old enough (thankfully) to be able to take on a bit more self care - why can't they do their own hair for example? And the eldest (and even the youngest) should be able to tell the time and if they are coming back saying they aren't going bed til midnight then I would be chatting to them about why it's not good staying up late and to put themselves to bed.

I think it's difficult unless you want the whole 50:50 arrangement to break down and conflict. You could take legal advice for instance but be prepared for it to get messy and costly going through court.

Stop saying he's a good dad, he very clearly is sub par and does not have his children's best interests at heart.
I wouldn't be taking any annual leave for his jolly holibobs, that would be for an emergency, he has plenty of his own time to holiday.
The girls will start voting with their feet soon, do you think mediation will work with someone so defensive and selfish?
What is your end goal here?

He’s not a good dad. He’s selfish and neglectful.

The girls hair could be difficult to brush and manage on their own even at 10, length, density and curl factor are all much harder to deal with as children.

Both have very thick curly hair so def needs an adult to help 😂

To be honest end goal I’m not so sure. I don’t want to take their time away from their dad or ruin their relationship with him. Ideally don’t want it to go to court and leave us both feeling bitter towards one another. Generally we get on really well at the moment, so I don’t want to tarnish that as it makes it easier for the girls. A conversation needs to be had. The girls can tell the time, what time they went to bed etc, and they always tell me what they get up to with their dad. This Christmas has been breaking point for me as he’s spent barely any time with them by choice. I dropped them off to his Christmas Day at 4pm. He was alone for Christmas as his parents were away so Boxing Day we all went to my parents for lunch then I took him and the girls back to his house and picked them up the next morning and they’ve been with me since today.
when I’ve bought up issues in the past he says he didn’t want this and it was my choice to leave (it was, I wasn’t happy and ultimately I didn’t love him).
I think the next step is to get legal advice, have a chat with him and go from there….

I don't think you should take leave to let him take a holiday, you need it for your own things. I think dinner time is up to him really. He should be able to help then manage their hair as a parent, but for your children's sake can you braid it before they go maybe?

If he's not doing anything with them and drinking a lot around them, that's a problem. As is the holiday thing if he knows it will be hard for you to manage.
Having dinner at 6.30 or 7 is not a big deal really, and the occasional late bedtime is fine unless it is a school night. Having someone else look after them while he was working is no worse than if you'd done the same thing.
If you get on well otherwise then I would try to work it out amongst yourselves, it's much better for children if you can be amicable.

I do 😂 still needs pulling out and brushing. We have them 5 days in a row at a time so it’s too long to leave braided as it gets in a mess when they sleep etc

Can you get them some bonnets to take to dads? Will help if he is lazy on hair care.
Sounds like he is still very bitter about the split unfortunately and taking it out on his children to hurt you.

He really isn't a good dad.

That’s a great idea I didn’t think of that thank you!

No you shouldn’t have to tap your annual leave so he can go on holiday, that’s madness.

If he wants to go away on his custody days he needs to arrange cover.

He should be asking his parents or family to help or be going away for a shorter period of time when he won’t have his kids.

Your annual leave is limited and for your use.

Putting kids to bed at midnight is an issue unless it’s an occasional thing during school holidays. It’s obviously problematic on nights before school and it’s too far off for a good bed time for most kids to work on a term time Friday or Saturday night. But dinner at 6 or 7 is fine? I understand the logic of dinner at 5pm so there’s time for stories and baths but lots of parents only finish work at 5 so dinner is 6 or 7 then quick shower and a short story and the kids are in bed and asleep by 8 or 9 which is fine for lots of primary aged children. If they have to wake up by 7am that makes 10-11 hours of sleep. - What I’m saying is you’re going to have to pick your battles here. Letting hair get matted is not on. Could they have styles that last longer? Braids help with this. Even teaching the girls to plait their own hair before sleep could help reduce tangles. Obviously the styles that will work for them depend on the texture of their hair.

I think unfortunately he isn't a great dad and will never prioritise them - you are not going to be able to change him. You need to work out if there are any areas you can reasonably impact here and not waste time on ones you can't - you have very limited leverage unfortunately. Most the items you mention sound like areas you don't have control over (even the holiday - its obnoxious of him but honestly if he dumps the kids on you last minute and just goes how can you stop him). Are you willing to try and reduce his time as he would probably be happy to reduce it if posited the right way as he clearly doesn't want to parent his kids? Is there anything else he really wants from you you can "bargain for" to get a commitment he actually sticks to on his end on stuff you care about. Otherwise, focus on enabling your children to build habits that protect them from his behaviour e.g. try to get them to realise late nights make them feel like death and so they could send themselves to bed.

@StillinPJI assume he pays little towards DDs if he’s 50:50. I never understand why women agree to this. Don’t dc just want a single home with routines? Letting dad mess this up is hardly good for them. It can ultimately be disruptive for school and friendships. I would say that as it’s plainly not 50:50 you should review what actually works. Put needs of dc first and don’t view them as a family cake you can divide up between adults. This is really what 50:50 is. It’s adults wanting their share. Review what a realistic arrangement truly is, putting dc first, ensuring it meets their needs, not the wants of parents.