My friends partner only seems able to comment on her looks

[Endieo]

I have 3 close friends from my school days, I went to an international school so as is typical in that situation none of us live in the same country. For this reason we have had a tradition since we left school to meet up over new year and go skiing, we have all brought our respective partners over the years.

Last year I didn’t go as I had a 6 month old I wasn’t willing to leave, one of my friends brought her new partner for the first time then. I hadn’t met him before this year and as DS is only 18 months old DH and I have only joined them for 3 nights. We arrived late on Tuesday night and leave tomorrow morning.

To put it as politely as possible I detest my friends partner! My friend is very beautiful, she is also incredibly intelligent, very sporty and a generally lovely person but all her partner seems to comment on his her looks. For the last 24 hours or so I must have heard “isn’t my girlfriend just beautiful/gorgeous/stunning” about 20 times. He has said multiple times she is the prettiest of her friends and he’s just so lucky to have such a gorgeous girlfriend!
He is also bloody lazy, we always host New Year’s Eve in the chalet, for the most part each couple takes on one course, rotating who has the more labour intensive courses vs cheese course and dessert. They had the pasta course and he barely helped her at all! She is half Italian so I’m sure there was an element of not wanting him to mess it up but there was also just a sense of him being unwilling to help at all.

Would I be unreasonable to say something to my friend about how she deserves better or do I keep my mouth shut even though he seems to only see her as an attractive accessory?

What would telling her achieve?

You’re annoyed because he’s complimenting her ?

As for the food, I’m guessing maybe she wanted to be left to it as she’s the expert.

Not sure what you are so annoyed about, they have been together 18 months so they must be ok.

Unless she is hating the compliments, you need to leave them to it, as you are sounding a bit jealous.

He only seems to comment on her looks, no mention of any of her many other qualities! It seems rather superficial to me and she deserves someone who can see all her qualities not just the most visible one!

What do you want to happen? What do you think will happen?

It wont...

Tbh, I'd share your thoughts and feelings on this but she is an adult, you only get together once a year (is that correct? Your post reads as though this ois the only time you are phyaically together) and she has chosen to be with him.

Put really bluntly, you won't have seen anything over the last 24 hours that she isn't already acutely aware of (but is choosing to ignore/accept/likes) and she isn't going to end her relationship on the 24 hour informed opinion of someone she hasn't seen for 2 years, will spend a few days with and then not see again for another 12 months.

And there is always the chance that he is just awkward and uncomfortable and behaves completely differently the rest of the time. All you'll end up doing is damaging the friendship.

I think it's hard to judge based on only knowing him for a few days in a situation that is not reflective of their day-to-day life.

The repetitive comments would annoy me, but it's the repetition rather than the content that would annoy me.

Maybe he doesn't do that in real life, maybe she has had a health issue and he is trying to boost her self esteem, maybe he is just annoying.

I would keep out of it.

For the last 24 hours or so I must have heard “isn’t my girlfriend just beautiful/gorgeous/stunning” about 20 times. He has said multiple times she is the prettiest of her friends and he’s just so lucky to have such a gorgeous girlfriend!

He maybe shouldn’t of said she is the prettiest of her friends out loud even if he thinks she is but so what if he’s saying how gorgeous she is, he’s hardly going to say ‘oh my girlfriend is so sporty when he’s looking at her all in love and sharing his thoughts

Some people are very superficial and looks oriented. I would find it a bit ick too but as PPs have said I don’t think pointing this out would achieve much.

She’s in the first flush of romance with this guy and anything negative you say will drive a wedge between you. Sometimes there is a place to do this but you can only do this a very few times and I would save it for when it really matters.

If you think he’s genuinely a real misogynist then maybe now is the time but if you do it now you will push her away.

Why are you so critical about the fact he obviously seems to adore her?
Do you pick fault with all your friends partners?
Would you feel better if he was mean and nasty to her?

You don't like the fact that he compliments her looks? Most compliments in company are about visible things because they are things that everyone can see and appreciate. You 'sensed' him (are you psychic?) being unwilling to help make pasta which is not that labour intensive and doesn't require two people and they could well have agreed between the two of them that she would do the majority of the cooking - did you ask? You're also being really weird making the half-Italian comment - not all Italians make or eat pasta!!

You just sound really judgy. Is your friend happy? Does she appear to enjoy his company? Does he treat her nicely? No mention of any of this in your post...

She's been with him for over a year. I think she knows him better than you! Also if she's "incredibly intelligent" she probably can work out for herself if he's a good partner. Why would she take the advice of someone who DETESTS him (drama much) and has met him for five hot seconds?

You don’t think making fresh pasta without a mixer for 8 people is labour intensive? I think I’d very much disagree! Hand mixing and kneading, then cutting and cooking the pasta certainly wasn’t a quick process!

And yes I know not all Italians make or eat pasta, but the Italians I know who do tend to have specific way of doing it that they don’t want changed as do most people who grew up with food made a specific way, it was me explaining that there may be a reason he hasn’t helping.

He finds his girlfriend beautiful, there's nothing wrong with that. Or with him vocalising it. I'm sure he likes her other non-physical qualities but you don't necessarily mention those to other people. I don't comment on my partner's foot rub abilities, or the fact he's a very logical, bright fella, makes me feel safe, or talk about his sense of humour. On occasions I've definitely said out loud that I just love looking at him.

And woe betide him if he "helps" when I'm cooking. He's brilliant with his own cooking, does more than me round the house but if I want to cook something I want it done my way.

I am with you OP.

First of all it always annoys me that women & girls get complimented or criticised mainly on their looks. As if the ultimate achievement and goal for a woman is to look pretty...

I much prefer to be complemented on my personality, talents, kindness and so on. I am a human being not just something to be stared at and rated for their level of attractiveness.

It would also annoy me if someone just kept repeating the same comments about someone' s looks all the time.

My thinking is that it is an ego boost for him to have an attractive partner and that he is a rather shallow individual...

Oh I'm sorry, I must have missed the part in your post where you mentioned that it was handmade pasta... any comments on the other things I referenced? Is she happy? Does he treat her well? Does he care for her? Do they have a nice life?

I can see where you’re coming from. But I rwasonly pasta she was cooking. It doesn’t take two people to cook a pasta dish. Too many cooks and all that. Edited to say… I didn’t see your update about it being handmade from scratch pasta. But I think my point still stands. Dm, do and me are all people who just prefer to be left alone in the kitchen. Left to our devices and do it our own way in peace.

i wouldn’t say anything this time at least. What would it achieve. And you’re leaving soon so you wouldn’t be there to justify or explain anything after the fact, as succinctly maybe.

You were only there 3days and saw him for a short amount of time. I would not say anything tbh.

Worth separating a few issues here.

Firstly you don't know what the dynamics of their relationship actually are. Whether you like his behaviour isn't relevant - what matters is whether she does. So maybe she enjoys compliments on her looks and maybe she didn't want his help cooking. Maybe what you've seen over a few days' holiday isn't the totality of how their relationship works, and in their day-to-day life he compliments her brains and does the cooking.

Secondly if we're talking social etiquette... I agree with you. It's quite crass to go on about how attractive your partner is to the larger social group (assuming this is how it was? If he was telling her she looked good and you just overheard, that's perfectly OK). Comparing her to her friends, in front of her friends, is particularly unedifying. I don't think I'd like him either.

But ultimately that's the same conclusion as the first point. You don't have to like him, because you're not going out with him. It's fine not to like people. But it's pointless and not really your business to say anything to your friend, unless she asks or unless you feel his behaviour is abuse-adjacent rather than just being a bit of a tit.

He certainly sounds a bit irritating, and the comment about ‘prettiest of all her friends’ when the rest of you are sitting there is just tactless.

But I’m afraid that sooner or later in life, one or other of your friends will get a partner you don’t take to. There’s really nothing you can do about it except keep a polite distance and hope the relationship fades out.

Whatever you do, do not tell the friend that you don’t like her partner! That would not go down well, even if they split up later.

I think you felt a bit miffed about him saying that she was the most beautiful of you all. It's a weird thing to say, I grant you that. A lack of social skills at the best, deliberately hurtful at the worst. As for helping out you don't know how they divide their labour so you can't have an opinion on 24 hours. If she's happy then I think you should try to be happy for her.

I think it's odd that he keeps saying how beautiful his girlfriend is - that's usually something you say to your partner (as in 'you look beautiful, darling') rather than announce it to her friends over and over 😳 why didn't you say 'yes she is, she's also intelligent, funny, kind and an incredible cook!' or something similar?

I wouldn't say anything to her though, she doesn't seem to mind, she didn't tell him to stop, maybe she likes it?

What does he say when you call him out on only commenting on your friends appearance? Does he not value any of her other traits/achievements?

Got to admit, if a guy simply keeps going on about how amazing their partners appearance is, and nothing else about them, then I get annoyed and my option of them drops.

Your friend is a person, not a doll to play with and look at or simply to hang off his arm.

Not unreasonable to dislike him but unreasonable to say anything. This is someone you see once a year, you just have to silently hope she sees his flaws before next year.

You sound jealous and are trying to twist it.

I would be so embarrassed if a boyfriend kept announcing to my friends that I was the prettiest out of all the friends (not that it would happen 😆). Ick!

Maybe he's a bit socially awkward?
Not much you can do other than roll your eyes internally and ignore it. Hopefully she'll be shot of him by next meet up.