Being a parent: ‘The good days outweigh the bad’. No they don’t…

[Livingstonn]

I’ve read/heard a few times parents saying it’s hard work but the good days outweigh the hard/bad days.

AIBU to think this is absolute rubbish? I have a 20 month old who doesn’t say many words, big emotions as expected and all day every day is just awful (has been for the last 2 months!!!) - making constant noise, humming, whining, tantrums, fussing. Waking through the night. Doesn’t eat hardly anything.

Nothing makes it better or worse it’s just relentless, mundane and exhausting.

Goes to nursery, baby groups etc - hates it. Doesn’t leave my lap.

I dread every day. My partner does 50% so it’s not that I’m overloaded.

WHEN does it get easier, or at least bearable? 😅

I have an 18 month old. Never particularly liked children before. He is the most perfect specimen that has ever existed. I cannot explain or quantify the love. Yes it’s hard and the tantrums and “no no no” and food refusal, and wriggling when I try to change his nappy is all very annoying and tiresome, but I still think every day is worth it.

Depends on the child temperament a lot I think. Everyone has their ‘favourite’ age I think, but also every age has its good and bad. Personally I really love the 2-4 sort of age as they are really turning into proper little people, their chat is hilarious, the tantrums are generally resolved a lot faster and more easily than older children’s tantrums, they are still in that really fun little kid stage.

But both of mine have been very easy, happy, adaptable toddlers, which is a big part of it. My friend has a really difficult 3yo and her experience is totally different to mine. But everything is just a phase. Shifting your mindset to not care about minor stuff helps.

I felt like this also. It gets better.

Suggest making sure you are doing things that help you recharge (exercise, seeing friends, going for a solo walk) otherwise you will totally burn out.

I feel you, my 20 month old is challenging at the moment.

I think their temperaments are all different, and some are more challenging at different ages. They can be an absolute joy at this age but equally can be incredibly hard work.

My first was a much more high needs baby, but didn't have tantrums as a toddler.

Generally I think they will get easier as they get more words and can communicate easier.

Wishing you well, you aren't doing anything wrong.

It’s because you’re just 20 months in, you’ve got to think of it as a long game. Over the course of the next 18 years you’ll have times you really enjoy and times you won’t. What I always find interesting is it’s different for everyone. I loved the newborn stage but I found the early teenage years a challenge whereas I know others who’ve found the opposite.

Well, there’s such a variation in children and the one you ‘get’ so it can’t ever really be as black and white as that. I had a super easygoing toddler and sailed through ages 0-3 but 3.5-4 he’s far more tricky, BIG emotions and angry outbursts and hopefully now just coming out the other side. You’re clearly going through a difficult time with your DC. It doesn’t mean it won’t get better.

However yeah all told the good times do still outweigh, and hand on heart always have done. I am sorry of you feel otherwise though as that really can’t be easy.

Some ages are harder than others. For me, past 3/4 got much better. And I had settled into the huge change of being a parent.

That’s because you are comparing such a short period of time. Children grow up and become adults, so there are easier times ahead.

Also can't tell you how unhelpful the 'im loving it' comments are e.g. @justasmallbiz . The OP is struggling, you aren't, well done you but maybe not the place?

I found that stage relentless and not fun at all. All my DD wanted to do at the time was make mess and be pushed on a swing.

She's 6 now and it's so much more fun and tonnes easier. We watch films and do crafts together for example. Go for nice walks.

It's one of the reasons I haven't had another child actually. I feel like going through the toddler stage again would spoil what I have with my daughter now.

I don't know how helpful this is, but it's perhaps worth knowing you're not alone in feeling like this and shouldn't feel guilty. There's a lot of expectation on mothers to embrace parenthood and 'cherish every moment'. Everyone is different and you can be a perfectly good mother without enjoying it that much, particularly when they're younger.

I have re-read their post several times and still can’t figure out how you have come to that conclusion.

It is very hard when they are small. I found that everything got much easier from 3yo.

However I would recommend trying to actively seek out joyful moments. So appreciate them when they are laughing at bath time, or cuddling into you all sleepy, or having a great time in the park.

It helps balance out the hard stuff.

You need to take it over the longer term. You are in the trenches right now, it’s the worst bit. This too shall pass. My daughter is 16. 2 and 3 were horrific. But beyond that time, even taking in to account all the bad days we had during those times, the good days are far more.

If I had my time again, I’d go back and not sweat any of the small stuff, or even much of the big stuff. We’re so focussed at that point about teaching them good habits and fearful if we let them “get away” with anything we’ll fuck them up for life. Do what you need to do to get through it. If sometimes that means letting them have cake for breakfast, just do it. Much of their frustration comes from being told no no no all the time. Let them have a degree of autonomy, make some choices, feel like they are in control, and things should go a lot smoother.

I always looked at the entirely different ways my friend and I raised our kids. Her boys were (to me) a nightmare and she pretty much just let them get away with stuff. But looking back on it, her experiences were much better than mine. Her kids were loud and boisterous, didn’t behave brilliantly when they were out and about, were always getting in to mischief. But they never had tantrums, they made their own mistakes and she didn’t fuss about it. Now when you compare our kids they are almost identical in how they are. All well adjusted, caring, funny, smart, polite young people. It takes quite a lot of doing to mess up kids, so don’t worry about it. A lot of what we are concerned about at that age is how our children appear to others. Do what works for you and fuck anyone who has an opinion.

You got this!

I totally get you, OP. At that age, it definitely wasn't that the good times outweighed the bad - more like there were good moments that were just enough to sustain me. Sometimes the good bit of parenting is the sense of reward you get after the fact, rather than enjoying it in the moment. And that's ok.

I think it will get easier once your DC is bit more independent and is happy to leave your lap. I found it got much easier at about 3. Mine are older now, the eldest is a teenager, and I am REALLY enjoying them!

It depends on the child you have.

Mine absolutely hated being a baby, so he has gotten more and more delightful with every stage - although I think preschool age is my favorite. If you have a chilled baby, there is going to be a stage where everything gets worse, and that it a tough adjustment.
Mine are mid teens now. Still waiting for the stroppy teen stage to hit.

The OP has specifically said that for them the good moments of parenting right now absolutely do not outweigh everything else (mundane, relentless, exhausting, dread everyday). Posters saying 'i find my baby perfect and the love overwhelming' just makes someone struggling feel worse that they too are not being that kind of parent. It's like saying to someone with depression 'im not depressed, have you tried not being depressed, like me'

I think it went in waves.

I found DS really hard at 2-3 months as kept being told bf would get better like it had with pfb - it didn't till much much later but expectation being set made it all much worse. I don't think at 20 months any of mine were sleeping though all night - not sure how normal that was but it was for them.

I found 8-10 really hard with older two - they still had tantrums - which now know were probably meltdowns as pfb been diagones with ADHD and other things - but everyone was like that the golden age range. Teen years haven't been bad - got a bit annoying with DD1 16+ but not drastically bad.

I got fed up being told I must have pnd when they were young - several moves and tired but did enjoy kids and life - but it there's really no joy at all I'd get checked out - it's likely it's just a more diffcult baby that will improve with age but it may be more and could be worth ruling out.

If you say you are ‘dreading every day’ that shows you are not coping and need to change something. It does get much much easier as they grow up but you need to cope now too.

What does your partner say and feel? Can you work more and let your partner look after your child more? If your child seems really different to other kids of the same age could he maybe have an issue like a speech delay that is frustrating him more? You say he doesn’t say many words - my daughter had a speech issue and it did increase frustration. Wha does nursery say about him?

I found the 18 month - 4 years stage really hard. Yes they were super cute and I look back on the pictures now and all the wholesome things we did together and ache for them to be that age again…but I know I didn’t enjoy the reality. In fact I was quite depressed.

I think it depends on your child’s temperament. Mine all are sensitive and feel emotions very deeply. They anger easily. (All adhd it has to be said). So early years were particularly hard when their language was not good and they couldn’t communicate.

I found a big leap happened with each around the age of 6. Now 6, 8 and 10 and I’m finally enjoying life again. It sounds horrible to say it and I wouldn’t take back those early years because the glimmers in between all the shite were so beautiful. But my god I found it overwhelming

@justasmallbiz didn’t say she was “loving it”

It's really hard work. It's why they have to be so unbelievably amazingly cute or we'd abandon them in a field 🤣

I remember the baby days, looking forward to when my DS would get easier. Still waiting 😅

This really, personally I would do the second year over and over. Can take or leave weaning stage (the mess ! crawling baby into everything). I found 13-15 v. challenging. I think most people agree 4/5-8/9 is probably the easiest.

The good outweigh the bad through the course of their childhood. There is heavy weighting of bad days in the baby/toddler years and mid teens.

You mentioned that your child is "humming" every day. I'm wondering whether that might be a possible sign of autism. Is your child acquiring language yet? Do they try to communicate with you verbally?

I have a family member who is autistic. One of the first things that stood out as different from the expected norms was a lack of speech sounds and the constant use of humming sounds. I note that the child also refuses to eat, which could also point to neurodiversity.

I must emphasise that I'm not medically qualified and these are merely my own thoughts. When I read your OP and the description of your DCs behaviour, it reminded me of what my autistic relative was like at the same age.

The good days outweigh the hard/bad days - they do in hindsight. Less so when you're in the trenches.