Christmas hosting: A question for grandparents/parents with adult children on keeping things fair

[Watermelonsugar44]

Interested to hear opinions, supportive or not….

We have hosted Christmas Day and Boxing Day at our house for the last 20 years since our dc were born. Each year we have invited both sets of grandparents to stay, and they have attended for 19 years, with only Covid stopping us one year. It’s hard work but an enjoyable day. The grandparents used to help us a lot with the food and with the children when they were younger, but now dh and I do all of it because gp are 80’s/90.

I am an only child and my parent is widowed and lives 3+ hours away, so they come to stay for a few nights. Dh parents live more locally, so we see them more often through the year and he has a sister with her own family who lives a few hours away, but still in uk.

Dh’s sister has never invited her parents for Christmas, even when they were younger and able to travel. She has never come home for Christmas as they like it to be quiet and relaxed. They usually visit for a few days after Christmas.

This year we are feeling things financially because we have 2 dc at uni on min loans which is pretty crippling, especially with another dc at home and a mortgage. We also had a big birthday for one of our dc where we paid for a meal in a nice restaurant for our dc and both sets of gp. We have still hosted Christmas as normal, but have cut back on presents and days out/treats with our dc’s.

DH parents usually invite us to their house at new year to meet with the cousins and have cake/ tea but didn’t feel up to it this year, as they already had dh sister and family staying so didn’t feel they could manage us as well. (Fair enough). Instead they suggested we meet at a nice restaurant for a meal to make it easier to catch up. We got the impression we would be funding this too.

We have declined, mainly due to cost, because after the expense of hosting Christmas Day and Boxing Day for everyone, plus dc’s birthday recently where we paid for everyone’s meals and drinks, it felt a bit off to then have to fork out for another meal. The gp have not offered to pay anything towards our meals.

I’m not sure if dh parents think we are really well off because he has a decent job, and suddenly expect us to be able to fund everything they want to do with us, but the reality is it is very tough with 2 at uni. I wonder if they see the unfairness of hosting dh sister and her family for a few days now and taking them out for meals and days out, when they never reciprocate and have never hosted the grandparents at their home.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll get my arse handed to me on a plate but I’m interested to see how others would handle this!

Did you say that you couldn’t due to struggling financially?

Yes we said that it would be a bit much for us straight after hosting Christmas/boxing day and we were happy to pop to theirs for tea and cake instead. We haven’t been to theirs for a meal for a couple of years now so wouldn’t have expected a meal.

edited to add..they declined us coming to theirs because they had dh sister and family staying and it might be too much

I think the reality is that in most families hosting and paying for things tends to fall to the ones who always do it. We have hosted and paid for all Christmas and surrounding days food for everyone probably since our eldest was a toddler.

Neither of our sets of parents/partners has ever hosted since then, for complex reasons that go beyond finances. BIL/SIL have never hosted. None of them ever host for anything else either. I realised the other day that I have not even been to BIL’s house since 3 houses ago and he was with a totally different SIL then. 😂 It would have been 8-9 years ago. Haven’t been to MIL’s house in probably 10 years!

We are the ones who host and no one really offers to split the cost. I have started just declining requests to come over. We rarely invite anyone. People ask to come to ours. I like to think it’s because I’m a fantastic host. 🤣 More than likely it’s because they like not having to do the hosting, we have a nice house and realistically more money, yes, and we live in a part of the UK people desire to visit. But I have definitely done a lot more, no, that doesn’t work for us the past couple years. For example, we’re down to one income at the moment and I did not host Christmas this year.

We have hosted Christmas for 23 years, we buy everything with MIL bringing a ham and SIL sometimes bringing a bottle of wine, FIL is no longer with us. To be honest it does kind of peeve me a little bit. DH now drives at least 800 miles in total with 4 trips to pick up and drop off his Mother over the last 3 years. She doesn’t bring a physical gift, we each get £25. It has always been thus. We don’t know exact detail but we are the most financially comfortable. I would be happy with a small box of chocolate wrapped up it’s just the lack of effort more than the actual costs.

We have a similar dynamic with our relatives. Everyone is happy to let us host, we rarely get invited to other family members if they are hosting, DH and I are comfortable financially, but not quite as minted as people assume we are.

And sometimes the principle of always giving and never receiving stings just as much as the cost.

You sort of need to tackle these things

the grandparents are now too old to do much work - but your children should be taking up the reins

and be a lot more honest about finances - they might not realise how little grants students get - when you invite them over you could ask for a contribution - can you bring the turkey /puddings whatever . I believe the correct polite phrasing is “to take one thing off my plate / mind” as opposed to “help with the cost “

Dis they realise that too much meant too much money and not just too much socialising? Have you explicitly said you can’t afford to pay for everyone’s meals?

It’s the same for us, normally we are financially comfortable and more than happy to host, but this year has been the perfect storm of higher outgoings, higher mortgage rate, 2 x uni top ups (equivalent to more than mortgage) and very small negligible bonus for dh due to company instability.

This coincided with Dh parents not offering to pay for turkey like they normally do, and stopping buying us presents. They bought us a bottle of wine and some chocolates which was exactly the same as they bought Dh sister. But they are also hosting her and taking them out on day trips!

After hosting a very expensive meal last week, we since found that some of the relatives we hosted are having a buffet evening of their own and we weren’t invited. This thread has just reminded me about it. Maybe the OP and I share some relatives?!

I think that’s families generally. The same ones always host. The same ones take parents to appointments. The same ones get the emergency phone call.

I categorise both mine and DH’s families into: capable/ useless / shirkers.

Most of the useless ones are actually shirkers who hide it better, but a couple are genuinely useless. Parents make excuses for the useless and the shirkers. But everything the capable ones do is minimised.

I don’t know how dh worded it, tbh he is crap at communications with them and tends to pussyfoot around them. I am much more blunt with my parent.

I am presuming he mentioned the cost because we were happy to meet up otherwise.

Ive been caught in this trap for 26 years.
I no lomger host Christmas day but do a curry party. 50% bring something. I had the big job, big house and like you @Watermelonsugar44 i have a uni student DD.
What pissed me off even more this year was a teenager sittihg in my disabled seat! Bloody cheek. I cocked up my cooking due to my healrh so they might not cone next year! We're also downsizing.

Yes our dc were very helpful on the day and have been working themselves to top up their income.

we have specifically mentioned the cost of university a lot recently, because many of our friends grandparents are partially funding their grandchildren at uni, with some not even needing to take out loans at all. While we would not expect that, a little bit of extra help this year wouldn’t have gone amiss.

Keep your hands firmly in your pockets going forward.. They sound very grabby, happily spending your cash but saving theirs.. And seemingly saving that cash to spend on others!

I think they think we are very well off (we aren’t). Everything we have is self made with no help or inheritance. I think they like to brag to their friends a bit about being treated by their son, whereas their daughter has a lower paid job (bil has a high paying job though).

In the past they have been generous with gifts and time , so I don’t mind hosting. We have a nice day.

But it’s tiring and harder work than it used to be because everyone is older. It is full on from when i finish work to when i go back to work.

and I think because we have generally less money for things which we enjoy, e.g. eating out, theatre trips, day trips, etc nowadays it feels a bit relentless. They still socialise a lot and eat out a lot so it feels very one way!

I always host Boxing Day but family bring stuff and they are generous with cash gifts.

I would be annoyed if we received nothing.