WWYD - mum and sister issues

[Pinkpencils22]

Wwyd / how would you feel in this situation…

Context: one sister, 9 years younger. Polar opposite to me - very intelligent, intelligent and well paid job, no common sense, never had a partner, no kids, likes opera and other highbrow things, very few friends, works long hours and won’t compromise on doing what she wants to do, lives in a complete mess (verging on hoarder), pretty tight. Won’t let me visit her house, won’t answer any of my texts if I suggest meeting up and will only see me if mum is there (probably only see her two or three times a year), I was very much second best to her golden child status up until about 5 years ago when my mum realised that I might have some good qualities.

Goes on holiday / long weekends away with my mum about 7 times a year, speaks to her every night at length about every single element of their day / texts throughout the day.

Just had them for days over Christmas (at mine where I’m running around hosting and organising etc) where the two of them would not do anything without the other - if one left the room, the other one left. Ate identical food, were constantly sat squashed up next to each other virtually whispering their conversations to each other or just deliberating every single thing with only each other. My sister talks for my mum and treats her like she’s 90.

It’s the most bizarre relationship. I didn’t think I could feel left out in my own house but turns out that’s possible! My poor dad has had years of being completely rejected so just does his own thing. My son was basically ignored because the two of them were constantly in a huddle.

I’ve slightly broached the subject with my mum before but it’s always excused / excuses are made for my sister as to why she acts like she does / I’ve even broached the subject of you’re not going to be around forever and how will she cope etc. I’ve always found it irritating but can usually brush it off - I’ve been left after this Christmas as feeling so hurt and upset. Do I just accept nothing’s ever going to change? Do I speak to mum? Do I play tit for tat and say if she’s refusing to let me go to hers she can’t come to mine?! Do I just feel happy I’ve got a nice normal life and family and house and just let them be bizarre?! Wwyd in this situation?!

I think there's little point in raising the issue with your mum - as you say, she'd likely make excuses. It sounds like your sister may have some neurodiversity and while she's clearly intelligent, she struggles in other areas of life.

Can you maintain a good relationship with your mum and see her on her own? You don't have to force yourself to have a relationship with your sister if you're very different people.

I think you have to accept what you can't change and let them get on with it to a large extent. I certainly wouldn't have them both over for days at a time if their behaviour makes you feel left out and uncomfortable!

You’re absolutely right - I’m pretty sure there is undiagnosed neurodiversity with my sister - I’ve been sat here this morning thinking maybe I should be more relaxed / more kind about it because there’s a lack of social understanding which maybe she can’t always help. But it’s very hard to be happy about it when my sister is held up to me as the benchmark for what’s great and I’m second best. And very hard to just swallow it down when my sister will pick me up on things I do “wrong” / times I’m not so intelligent / will run that information straight to my mum (yep there’s that neurodiversity again) but I’m shot down / seen as being judgemental if I question her so I just swallow it and sit quiet….so it reinforces that she’s always right.

My parents don’t live very close by but I do generally just see my mum and not my sister - my mum will wax lyrical about her which is sometimes hard to swallow / how does my mum not know that how she was acting at Christmas isn’t normal and is hurtful?!

What’s happened at previous Christmases - is this the first time you’ve hosted?

Unfortunately you are not going to change anything. Take a step back & just let them get on with it. Maybe try & get a bit more involved with your dad?
Don't try & force a relationship for your son. She will never be the grandmother you would want for him.
I'm sorry. It's a hurtful situation. It gets easier if you distance yourself.

Where do you think your DSis ND comes from? Quite possibly your Mum.

I think most hoarders don't want people in their houses, judging the arse off of them.

It's a very complicated mental health issue.

I think you need to accept it for what it is and let it wash over you. They sound very emotionally entwined and you can't unravel that for them.

You don't sound like you want to be like your sister so remember that any perceived implication that you are "lesser" is based on values that are not yours. Maybe you are not as academic or don't like opera but that is absolutely fine. You have your own strengths and positive traits (including patience with frustrating family it seems !) which are equally valid.

ND can often run in families so maybe your mum and sister can identify things in each other that helps them bond.

I think you’re missing the point that this is your children’s decision to make.

Next year your oldest DD will be in the grey area of being an adult.

Putting post that belongs to her on the fire, without her explicit approval, would be awful.

I would give up on a good relationship with your sister I'm afraid, but you can still have a nice relationship with your mum (and dad), by seeing them when your sister isn't there.
Not sure what you mean by your sister being held up as "golden child" but now you're an adult if your parents try any of that nonsense just shut it down.

Just leave them to it. Concentrate on your own family unit.

However, if you really do want your DM to notice you, start doing a few things with only your Dad.