Confused about de-escalation of abuse

[walkingthroughfog]

I’m struggling with a change in my H’s behaviour because after many, many years of being verbally, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive he has de-escalated and, although I don’t trust his newly changed behaviour, it’s psychologically destabilising and I still feel fearful. He’s 12 years older. This change has followed several years of me getting support through therapy groups and women’s aid, challenging his behaviour and being met with constant deflection, escalating abuse and total denial. In recent weeks I told him point blank that he’s been abusing me since the beginning of the relationship. I said I’m the only person you treat this way and nobody outside of the house knows this side of you, that’s what makes it so clear. I asked why he would treat the person he says he ‘loves dearly’ in this way. What was different this time, although still not good, was that instead of denying the abuse he said he didn’t know it was abuse and wouldn’t have used that description. What I am finding so hard after years of surviving this, and recently finally planning to get out, is that although I don’t trust his ‘changed’ behaviour, by saying ‘he wouldn’t have used that description’ there has been a moment of clarity in that instead of the usual denial he has (maybe unintentionally?) acknowledged the abuse, which has actually made it feel worse somehow. After this conversation he has de-escalated big time, being ultra nice, accommodating, calm, etc etc and I feel more confused than ever, and am struggling to see why I was planning to leave. I’m still getting support and will continue to do so, but would appreciate thoughts on this as I’m currently feeling totally overwhelmed and lost.

You are right not to trust him after years of abuse. Maybe he sees that he is going to lose you and is being extra nice. For how long though before he changes back??

He knows you're planning to exit the relationship and that's the only reason he's shifted his strategy. He thinks it will stop you from leaving him. He could have stopped the abuse at any time. He has always known he was being abusive. Please set yourself free from this abusive piece of shit.

He senses a change in your behaviour and is matching it. Don't trust him, trust your instincts and continue your plans to get out of this relationship.

It doesn’t matter what he’s doing now, he’s an abuser and always will be. When are you leaving, do it soon. You deserve so much better than him.

Exactly this.

Thank you all for your thoughts, I really appreciate it and it helps so much to keep me centred on what I know, as the new behaviour is really challenging what I’ve learnt ❤️

Doesn’t matter what he thinks or if he’s changed his behaviour. I’m guessing this is because he’s sensed a change in you. Don’t try work out his thinking, it’s just not possible. Focus on your thinking about your own worth and your next steps to leave. Good luck.

Could he have heard you, then got help for his abusive ways?

He won't be able to maintain it OP. Carry on with your plans.

It is just a strategy shift and him exerting a different kind of control. He hasn't seen the error of his ways, he's seen that your eyes have been opened to that and he has to change his approach.

Stay strong, and take care of yourself. Know that this isn't him making amends or changing xx

It doesn’t matter if the change is genuine or long term or not. You can end any relationship you wish to because it doesn’t make you happy.

He thinks you might leave, so he's choosing to de-escalate his behaviour, expecting to reel you back in

Good luck. I know it's not as easy as "just leave". I'm pleased that you have support around you

Abuse is a choice

So, he could maintain this, if he chose. But likely won't

Agree with others @walkingthroughfog- his change will be because the set up that works so well for him is at risk. He could be on best behaviour for weeks, months even. But is that enough for you? It doesn’t change how he has been with you and how hard you’ve had to push for him to acknowledge that. He may have seen the light, though that’s unlikely given the usual pattern. But even if he has he would need to recognise the damage he’s already done.

I can tell you it feels so freeing to be away from the constant stress of this kind of relationship.

That’s exactly what he would want her to think. It’s all part of the pattern of abuse. Destabilise, unsettle. Abusers love playing with the mind of the abused and then pulling the rug from under them. It’s all part of the “game”. Don’t fall for it @walkingthroughfog

My abusive ex suddenly changed when I finally took courage to ask for a divorce. All of a sudden he was happy to go for counselling (having refused previously) and was lovely all the time. I did waver, but it quickly became clear that it was a stalling game.

He gradually changed to saying he had been avoiding counselling because he didnt want to face the truth that I was abusive. That he had spent years trying to avoid my anger. That he was worried about my mental health. Turned everything against me and I got totally overwhelmed and nearly agreed not to end things. Women's Aid helped keep me on track and reminded me that almost all abusive men do this.

As soon as I properly ended things he was back to just as nasty as before. It's been years of post seperation abuse but I am absolutely glad I left.

He knows you’re about to leave and is trying to control you a different way to make you stay. Once you relax and it looks like you’re staying after all he will gradually return to his abusive ways.
I read that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she decides to leave, her partner sees it as “nothing to lose” situation and can become more violent - you need to be careful, get out asap and keep all your plans secret

Mine did this - he actually said "I've been nice to you for 6 weeks, why are you still talking about leaving". It made me realise that he knew he was being abusive all along!

It's a version of hoovering and love bombing.

the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she decides to leave, her partner sees it as “nothing to lose” situation and can become more violent - you need to be careful, get out asap and keep all your plans secret

This. Please be extra careful @walkingthroughfog , take all the outside support you can get and do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. Do not trust this man and do not tell him anything about your plans or feelings. Grey rock. Good luck

Thank you for this, although I think it probably unlikely, given the speed of the change x

I feel more confused than ever, and am struggling to see why I was planning to leave

That's why he's doing it.

It's just a new tactic in his psychological war on you.

Be very careful - if he thinks that you might still leave and that it hasn't worked, the repercussions for you could be horrendous.

After I 'left' XH1 for violence, he stopped hitting me. He moved along to emotional abuse, which I'd never heard of and didn't recognise for what it was. We stayed together for years and he escalated to the point I did realise he was harming me. I thought we were having a caring separation, I certainly sacrificed a lot for it. The night before leaving day, he tried to kill me. He actually said "If I can't have you, nobody will".

I regretfully agree with those advising increased caution at this point in your relationship. So pleased you're doing effective therapy, this will be a great support

I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences. I can relate, my 1st husband was physically abusive and so I didn’t identify my current experience (in marriage no. 2) as abuse until I learned about the different types that exist. It feels so much harder to identify and hold onto my thoughts.