How to salvage/ get some perspective on relationship with my mum.

[Hellohola98765]

Hello,

I have always had a slightly strained relationship with my mum. I am the eldest daughter- now 33 and have 2 small children of my own. DD 3 and DS 6 months. Throughout my childhood/ teen years my mum has always been extremely controlling in terms of my behaviour, schoolwork, who I socialised with and had issues around food. She has always had a victim/ martyr mentality and will always twist a conversation to
be about her. For example I was an intensive care nurse working during Covid yet when I mention how difficult this was she will twist the conversation to her own experience as a ta in a school (I am
in no way undermining this but a lot of her time was spend doing online learning at home). She can be extremely cold and has given me the silent treatment for days previously refusing to
communicate how she feels or have a conversation. I have always challenged her on her behaviour unlike my younger sister who avoids conflict and is favoured by our mum. Even now at 31 and married my younger sister will stay at my parents house a couple of nights a week as I think she feels guilt around leaving my mum.

i have a close relationship with my dad and sister and so have always tried to brush over and get along with my mum for the most part so that we can function as a family and still do
things/ holidays together. I feel quite sad for my mum as her moods and behaviours are making her own life so miserable and she just can’t see it. I think it has particularly come to a head since my son was born and after spending Christmas together for a few days where she constantly criticised my husband and I on how we fed him, his routine etc etc! I had a really honest and tearful conversation with her yesterday on how hurt I am about our relationship and how I would like it to improve but she still refused to acknowledge my feelings - my personal highlight was her spotting an inpost locker she could return her parcel at whilst I was sobbing. I just feel so down and hurt and fed up of thinking about the situation.

Anyway I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve here but feel better for getting it off my chest. Thanks for reading.

I think you know the answer. Your mum is completely focused on herself and her voice is always the only one that should be heard. Ask yourself, if she was a friend would you continue to be friends with her?
It's hard I know...my own parents are long dead and I am an only child but I was having a conversation with my closest cousin...she's like a sister to me. She said "they say you can't choose your family...I have". She's cut her father out of her life after he made her brother's funeral all about him.
Sadly, your mum isn't capable of being a mum to an adult child. She clearly had a dreadful relationship with her own and your own teenage years were done as if from an text book of how you should parent written in 1953. She clearly doesn't have a model to work from and doesn't want to work out how to get better at it.

It is very hard not to have a mother that behaves like we all feel like a mum should. My mother seemed to find no joy in life and thought only of herself. I never found a resolution to this.

However, I have found great joy and purpose in my life by being a mum to my now adult DC. We have a lovely relationship. I’ve sort of been the opposite to everything my mum was and it’s worked out well.

It’s hard to not look back, but you also have potentially a lot to look forward to.

Your mother will not change and is incapable of change, reflection or empathising.

You can not make this relationship what you want and it is not your fault. The MN phrase here is ‘drop the rope’.

You can change, therapy to explore your childhood (with someone that understands narcissistic behaviour, abusive behaviour and so on. People will tell you that she could be ND, that it can be healed, it might be her own childhood etc

Can I advise you to look at the stately home thread on here and look up narcissistic behaviour on YouTube
I am not diagnosing here but you need to tools to deal with abusive people. In my own case I have abusive people I have cut out complete NC(no contact) there are those I can not change so I limit contact and keep firm boundaries. But I do not judge my self worth by them or their comments.

I have spent years finding out who I really am, working on personal growth, finding what I like etc So I suggest you surround yourself with nature, family that do love you for you, your friends and hobbies. You are worthy and you are good enough.

Sad to say, she will not change so you need to re-frame your view of her and her behaviour in order to protect yourself. She sounds like my mum. I spent less time with her, didn't engage in any discussions and didn't give her much information. I feel for you, it's so hard. 💐

Thank you for your replies, they made me tear up - so very true. You don’t realise how much it knocks your confidence over the years, I really struggle to talk or answer questions about myself when asked by other people. But I make a point to treat my two children very differently, I can not imagine behaving in the same way towards them.