I’m a 36-year-old man, married to my wife (35). We’ve been together 3 years, married for 2. I’m posting because I’m emotionally exhausted and close to ending the marriage, but I want to make sure I’m not missing something or acting too soon. I also specifically posted here because i would really appreciate advice from females, as i grew up in a male dominated home and dont have close female friends or relatives to seek advice from.
Looking back, there were early signs of poor conflict resolution and emotional defensiveness, but I either ignored them or didn’t realise how serious they were until the relationship became more emotionally intense. Over time, I’ve felt like I’ve been doing most of the adapting.
Some recurring issues:
Dismissiveness and denial:
One incident that still stands out happened when I was working from home. She went on a rant and spoke to me aggressively and disrespectfully. When we later discussed it in couples therapy, she denied being disrespectful and justified it by saying “I’m a woman,” without acknowledging the impact on me.
One-sided accountability:
When she hurts me, it’s often minimised or justified. When I hurt her (even unintentionally), I’m expected to fully own it — which I do. The standard feels very unequal.
Being shut down in conversation:
Recently, when I try to calmly express myself, she interrupts almost immediately, making it impossible to finish a sentence or explain how I feel.
Self-acknowledged selfishness without change:
She often says she’s selfish and follows it with “that’s just who I am,” but there’s no attempt to work on it or reflect on how it affects the relationship.
Religion applied inconsistently:
She and her mother have sometimes used religion to justify expectations such as me covering all household finances, while those same values don’t seem to apply consistently to her own responsibilities.
Her mother’s involvement:
When I’ve been disrespectful in the past, both she and her mother have challenged me — which I accepted and worked on. When my wife is disrespectful to me, it’s often justified or dismissed by both of them.
Intimacy breakdown:
There was a period when I became emotionally disconnected and uninterested in intimacy. During that time she made very hurtful personal comments, which were never apologised for. We’ve now had around 15 months with no intimacy. I don’t see this as something that can be fixed without emotional safety and connection.
Unresolved accusation:
She once implied I may have cheated. I offered to take a lie detector test to remove all doubt. When it came to actually booking it, she refused, and the issue was never properly resolved.
I’ve been doing individual therapy consistently and previously engaged in couples therapy. I’ve worked hard on my emotional regulation, communication, and accountability. I genuinely feel I’ve tried everything on my side, but I don’t see the same willingness to reflect or change from her.
We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms for about 8 months. When I raise separation, she backs away — but nothing changes. It feels like I’m not allowed closeness, but also not allowed to leave.
What’s pushing me toward leaving isn’t anger — it’s feeling emotionally unsafe and drained because she can’t apologise, listen when I’m hurt, or sit with discomfort without becoming defensive.
I’ve spoken to a lawyer and understand the process. I feel almost ready, but I’m struggling with one question:
How long do you give yourself once you feel “nearly done” before accepting the marriage is over and pressing the button?
Any honest perspective would really help