Struggling with some very strong, angry possibly unreasonable feelings.
I can honestly hand on my heart state that the vast majority of my family on my mum and my dad and my step dad's side...i dont want contact with. I feel guilty for stating this but wholeheartedly feel it.
I feel this Christmas that I have opened my eyes and I am now struggling to unsee all I felt and saw.
I work in a high pressure environment making quick decisions that affect others health. I dont mean to make myself look important
Im not
I struggle. Ive had no practical help from family and retrained a few years ago as a single parent(no family help) i have CTPSD and i have nerve pain.
i dont tell anyone this of course, but I know Im burnt out. I am aware that the role I worked hard for is too much for me alongside the demands of a very scattered, fractured family that won't or can't be in the same room or often even the same town as the other. This isnt unusual i know....but classically over christmas it became so evident that i have had enough.
All of us siblings have been brought up in a wildly neglectful environment hidden away under "middle/upper class" curtains and would have been better being fostered (i dont say this lightly nor mean to offend)
Generational cycles that I have worked hard to beat. My sisters have coped using food, and alcohol as a strategy, are people pleasers and burn themselves out trying to fit in...one sibling withdrew from family as soon as she could leave home and another has recently pulled away too.
I was so upset about this to start with...we have all been family fixers but ive been the surrogate "mum" often stepping in to parent. I now applaude them for stepping away and protecting their hearts. At the time it was very painful as i felt id lost my only allies!
Ive usually and alwsys had to host christmas, juggling various family during divorce, having the worry.of all the guilt and snide comments from whoever isnt getting what they want. Every year the (same as lots of people here im sure) , with worry of leaving an older family member out etc....my mum always stated that Christmas was the worst time of year, massive stress, expectaion, grandeour...hosting big parties.🙄 i guess like many do/ have to/ feel its their job. I cant remember a comfortable christmas time as a child and dread times like this anyway.
I put my worries away and focus on the kids!!
As an adult i struggled with my confidence. I didnt do very well at school, severe anxiety at university and ended up in an abusive marriage. Family Financial manipulation was really difficult, being promised help with housing then having it pulled away at the last minute for example. We ended up in a caravan while both sets of parents had several homes etc. We were mocked for this an although i kept our heads above water it was through keeping 3 jobs spinning, excessive budgetting...i lost weight as was eating toast and vitamin tablets🙄 the kids disnt go without nd i tried really hard to keep a smile on my face...but im sure it was obvious that we were a bit low. No help or practical support offered by family but i would get a check in text once in a while that i learned.to keep as a clipped reply...
There was no point in saying i was struggling as all i got as advice was to get myself tp the GP for anti depressants or id be offered lifetyle advice through parents rich friends such as "so and so works a 70 hour week in the city for X amount of six figure sum...why cant you have gone into finance/ trained to be a solictior etc etx. I dont have the brains and grew up with the self esteem of a grain of grit for goodness sake!!!
I work very hard but i am at the top of my payscale without heading into where I don't belong! (And wouldnt cope)
Thankfully my own children are lovely humans, kind etc and I am really proud of them. They are thoughtful, greatdul, emotionally intelligent..🥰
Over christmas, actually a few months before, my parents (well one parent and a step parent) split up abruptly meaning one had to stay with me. I gave up my room and it meant sleeping seperately to my partner for almsost 2 months (a man i deeply love) and the parent that stayed basically lost all motivation to move or talk...awful for them but als0 awful for my children to witness. I tried very hard to support and encourage and i am embarrassed to say it didnt take long before I became so ill that I was signed off work and ever since, ive been having unexplained fainting fits, low blood pressure, red hot face and itching hands. It.comes on out of nowhere and has scared me horribly. Very debilitating.
The parent that stayed was cooked for, loved, washing done, transported about, listened to, soothed, GP for referral for counselling, physical health monitored.
When they moved into their own home in Aug their low mood continued, a sort of baby voice and manipluation really..id visit twice a week and help them unpack and move furniture for hours and hours.
I found it irrationally but deeply upsetting as could feel something was "off". Massive triggers from childhood.
Every conversation around them driving their car again, attending groups, going shopping, even 10 mins of chair exercises for strength..wouldnt engage.
Classic depression..i felt awful for them. This person is intelligent, focussed and motivated when wanting to but over a few.months i realised that the moods, voice and even ability to walk ..was totally put on!! At one stage i upped my visits feeling guilty as thinking they were lonely..all for it to be never enough. I couldnt keep up with my own kids, work and my own home and my health.
Over Christmas I had little choice but to host another elderly family member. They had been physically on their own 2 years running...last january i had promised Id look after them.
The two family members wont be in the same room as the other and mentioning even their name starts rages off!!!
I couldnt look after them both together for this reason.
The family member who stayed for almost 2 months...i talked to her end of October to explain i had , prior to them moving to this county, committed to looking after the other person.
She said she was looking forward to having christmas day alone and we arranged for a meal Boxing day. She always hated christmas anyway so i took her at her word.
I asked a few other family members what their plans were and no one seemed to know. I didnt mind of course...as people must do whateve they wish to do.
With juggling work, my two kids and my mental health i struggled to focus to write cards or find presents although bought craft supplies, wool, sweets and the odd trinket. I had expressed a wish to keep it simple and said I expected adults to keep their money and not worry about presents. This wasn't disagreed with etc. I gave it a few moments of slight guilty panicky thought a few times..but ive been so ill, my main focus was the kids and getting through work.
Out the blue on Boxing day i was shot down by my mums sister about leaving her "ALL Alone on Christmas day".
And quite a deal was made of the fact i chose to look after the other of (equal age and vulnerability) person.
The whole evening was quite awkward and as her wine flowed she became quite beligerent in a really childish way that id never noticed before.
Its left me rather mortified.
( I have not drunk alcohol for quite a while as decided it might be contributing to low mood so i was quite sober.)
My mum has since.come out with a few phrases suxh as "NO OLD PERSON likes to feel a burden / or to feel LONELY"
And with reference to a referal for some counselling she was offered (she went to one but managed to weirdly convicne them she was fine and just needed a referral for a stair lift as this would sort it all out. She commented that family are there to talk to, not strangers. Fair point..but she has massive anxieties that as her child i cannot help her tackle.
She is very very complex, likes to hold court and weaponises her illness and age for attention. She tells everyone about her illness..even a friend being treated with chemo had to hear about mums aching joints😟 no real thought..
In january i have agreed to take my dad to hospital and stay for a few days while he recovers and do the same a few weeks later for another op. Happy families.
It means i cant be with other family during that time as they live an hour apart. The usual pattern and I can guarantee itll happen is that over that weekend ill get.meaaages.to say " thank goodness the neighnour was able to nip out for some milk" etc etc when usually they are absolutely fine ordering shopping online etc. Therr will be little.digs about "being alone" ajd then i get ignored or just a short emoji reply like punishment..so childish!!
In February my son has an operation whixh i am frankly terrified about. It could affect nerves, hearing and sight with high risk of infection. I am the ONLY adult he trusts and I have to be 100% to give him confidence during this period.
I need to be tip top before this.
I sound a martyr but i am almost 50, and looking back over my life realise that I have been used as the family fixer, scape goat, often mocked or put upen or relied upon in ways that are far too much for me.
No one has liked it this year that I said i couldnt.cope and had to keep it simple.i wasnt overly loud about my health but had quietly said i was needing to keep things very simple, both money wise and fuss/ emontional strain.
They all knew id not been well.
I later found out that a big group had all met for lunch (something id been told had been cancelled) i am yet to arrange to see one group of previously "close" family as by 12th dec, they appeared to be avoiding making a date to meet. I still have their little presents and its almsot New Years eve.
I tried to kindly think that maybe i have been excluded as i had said about keeping things simple but.looking back now, i see that ive been embarrassingly the one chasing for love and acceptance.
Now that im not "useful" i feel ive been dropped. The thing is..horribly if that's how it is, then im happy let it happen. It feels like my whole adult life has been a lie x