Will I always wish I had a second? Struggling a lot with this

[Issse]

I have one child, DS age 3.5 (4 in March).

I always wanted more than one, ideally three. DS’s dad works away a lot (ie around 70% of the time). I don’t like this, it wasn’t what I signed up for when we started the relationship. I’ve basically brought Ds up myself although DP is a great dad when around and certainly pulls his weight financially.

I said to DP I wanted another and as I’m now 38 (turned 38 in early December) I wanted another to start trying now..he’s been delaying for years and I now don’t think he actually wants another but won’t say it. I’ve had many conversations but don’t get anywhere. I feel the trust has gone as I do feel strung along.

I feel I will regret it if I don’t try for a second. But with my age I probably wouldn’t find anyone realistically now.

I suppose my question is shall I put up and shut up? We have a decent lifestyle and he’s always worked away and the time we do have is nice. I just struggle with being denied a second. I don’t want DS to be alone either. Just feel really sad.

Also just to add I have a lot of family support and financial support so I was never worried about the burden being on me for one or two children.

Have a second. If he earns well can you afford good childcare to help with the fact you are alone a lot

@Tammygirl12 he won’t though. I would have to get out there and try and meet someone else or go alone

I only have one.
Hoped for a second until DC was about 6 then realised the gap would be too big and I was likely too old as well (43)
There are lots of things that wouldve been more difficult if I’d have two (or more), beginning with leaving my ex.
I have no regrets at having one and neither does DC.

Has he said conclusively he doesn't want any more? If not then I think you need to have a clear conversation about it and tell him you need him to decide one way or another, no more delay or excuses.

Only you can make the decision whether to stay with him after that.

@Gnarab24 thanks for sharing. I know I need to focus on the positives of one and I know there ARE lots of positives. Just feels hard right now

@Endofyear no he says he does but not for ‘a few years.’ I’m 38! It feels so cruel. He’s also mid forties and so I just don’t believe he actually wants another and part of me feels resentful he’s clearly strung me along for the last few years saying yes soon, over and over.

Maybe this is something to bring to an impartial third person. Some therapists work online now and you don’t need to be in the same building.
Id be asking for almost an appointment with him to talk about it. Your desire isn’t unreasonable- for all the reasons you have given. Maybe he is nervous? If he enjoys fatherhood then 2 is better than 1. Maybe he he is sad that he is away so much and misses his child growing up?
It’s ok to ask for more information. We can’t be mind readers.

It irks me a bit that you treat him as a sperm donor rather than...you know...a partner. As if his only function is to make babies and if he can't/won't do that then you will go off and find someone else to do the job. I think if I was treated like that in a relationship, I wouldn't be keen to have children either.

I am also 38 and wanted more but will only have one. The thing I focus on is that I have one happy and healthy child and more would put that happiness at risk. Would you risk a separation if you were to find it difficult? Or a disabled child? It will be the one thing I regret in my life but I think I know we will have a great life together.

I would suggest at your age you push for it. What different now than will be in a few years?

I would have liked two, but it didn’t work out for several reasons. I have been sad about it for various reasons over the years and I think DS would have benefitted from having a sibling (no guarantee obviously) growing up, but now he’s on the verge of adulthood, we’ve been able to provide him with some amazing experiences, will be able to comfortably support him at uni, and I’ve got my life and my sense of self back, I don’t really regret that we didn’t have another. I’m reasonably fit and healthy in my early 50’s and the thought of still having children lower down in secondary school is exhausting.

Id force the issue on this to get him to admit he doesn’t want one, it’s not fair to string you along like this. Then you can decide if you want to continue in the relationship or not

If he doesn’t want another child, that’s not unreasonable. You also aren’t unreasonable to want another one.

What is incredibly unreasonable is to string you along when he knows you don’t have time on your side - rather than just confronting the issue and telling you he doesn’t want another one.

It’s possible of course that he means that he does want another one ‘in a few years’, but not with you.

@Catza yeah I can see that. I guess I feel betrayed that he’s said for so long he wanted more and now he’s done this to me. I almost feel like the trust has gone if he doesn’t follow through with the life we had said we both wanted.

@WhatWouldTheDoctorDo thank you this is nice to read! I hope in time I can let the idea go its just so hard

@StCuntyMcCunterson he won’t say what will be different. I know that sounds crazy but he literally will not articulate it just that it will be ‘soon’ and that has recently turned into ‘a few years’

Does he realise you want a second so much you’re thinking of leaving him?
Waiting a few years is so unrealistic at your age, he must know that? It’s pretty basic biology

That's hard. Unfortunately life just doesn't turn out like we planned and we have to deal with it best way we can.

I always wanted 3 kids but my first DH turned out abusive. I left him, found current DH at 33 and have the 1 toddler now but I am 37. DH has turned out to be not a great partner, pregnancy was incredibly difficult for me, I really really want a second but my body and my relationship might not survive it. So I'm slowly coming to this realisation too. I don't know if I will ever forgive DH for not being the hands on supportive partner he promised would be. And I don't know if I can forgive myself for not being stronger and more resilient either.

So just trying empathise with the feeling, it's really tough.

I would sit him down and show him some facts.

Find some graphs online. One showing how women's fertility declines as they gets older. Another showing the increase in Down's syndrome, autism and other conditions as the mum's (and dad's) age increases.

I would say those are the facts and you want to start trying now and not delay further. And see what he says.

He doesn't want another one. He's just waiting till you're too old and will do a faux "oh what a shame" when nature makes the decision for him.

Frankly, what a prick.

I'm really sorry OP but he's not married you, and is trying to prevent the amount of child maintenance he's expecting when he finds someone he actually wants to be with long term.

Agree completely with @FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease

he’s a prick.

I completely understand but that's where it may be better to have an open and calm conversation about his wishes and reasoning and trying to fix the relationship ship first before going ahead with the plan (whether it is to have children with him or someone else, or alone). Would he agree to couples therapy?
Regardless of the decision you come to, I feel some counselling will help.