I’m getting blamed for dh not wanting to go abroad with family ??

[GettingBlamed]

BIL has planned a holiday for his 40th in a few months time. Invited dh and dh said no.
He doesn’t like travelling, doesn’t like going out drinking loads and just said he really didn’t fancy it and that he would take him out for a meal or something instead. He was very clear about his reasons .

MIL and BIL have BOTH said to me that clearly I’m being controlling and why won’t I let him go !!!!

I have no issue at all. He just doesn’t want to !

Dh has spoken to them both and made it really clear that he doesn’t want to go and it is his decision .

AIBU to be really shocked they jumped to the conclusion I was controlling him ??!

Have you been controlling in the past?

Has he ever used "the Mrs won't like it" as an excuse before?

Are they just a bit mad?

They referred to after I had one of the dc and said I was controlling about visitors (I’d had my mum visit first then got mastitis so they had to wait another week), they said I’ve always tried to distance him from them. That’s the only other thing I can think of .

It’s because they think if they make you feel awful you’ll pressurise him into going.

Because it's been the get out clause that men have used for generations and it just kind of sticks. In a similar vein my pil think I can 'make' dh do stuff. Like they think I have magical powers to control his behaviour and make him do things. It's a horrible outdated stereotype that a man must be 'under the thumb'.

I get the same with my family in law. Husband isn't great at responding to messages or communicating generally, but it's easier for them to blame me "controlling him" / wanting to keep them from him than his indifference. The irony is, if I was actually controlling him, we'd do a lot more / see them a lot more as I'd require him to speak to his family a lot more than he does. I tried that a few years ago (encouraged him to call his mum at least once a week, arrange trips to see them etc) and he told me to stop nagging him 🤷‍♀️ YANBU and I understand why you feel such a sense of injustice. Glad husband has made clear you're not to blame at least.

@Cherry346 same with my exdh. He only called/visited his parents because I encouraged him. Once I stopped doing that communication was very sporadic and he didn't even go to either of their funerals! I'm sure sil thinks it's my fault! As far as I'm aware they were perfectly good parents except they treated exdh as a king (non- English parents).

I bet he’s had a lifetime of them not actually listening to what he’s saying. He’s very clearly said, doesn’t sound like my cup of tea, have a lovely time, looking forward to treating you to a meal when you get back, and instead of actually listening to him and trusting what he’s saying about his needs, they’ve jumped to, oh, you aren’t allowed! This won’t be the first time he’s told them exactly what he needed and they’ve told him actually it’s something else.