Just some advice/sounding board

[emzyemzy]

I'll keep it brief as I can

For info I am ND as is my son in this scenario (Autism) I mention this as some may see it as relevant (also ND 13yr daughter in property)

Son has had a friend since starting primary, we will use initial R, obviously at primary much closer but drifted slightly (due to covid and general growing up) through high school, since son turned 18 in Sept son has started to enjoy going out with friends, sometimes having a drink but on a couple of occasions has come home as party has not felt right or just didn't enjoy, (I left home at 15 so never did the teenage years)
R has been present at parties, has been to my house, I generally make them burgers before they go out (line the stomach), allow his friends I know well to stay etc and try to be respectful of sons age, decisions etc

Now Xmas eve at 2045 I was in bed, son asleep, R knocks on door, I went down and he asked for son to come to door, I advised son sleeping, checked R ok and if he needed anything but declined and walked away

Last night at 2350 persistent knocking, tbh I went downstairs already panicking thinking someone was seriously hurt/died ( I do catastrophise due to ASD and PTSD) R at door, clearly worse for wear, with an unknown male stood a bit further back, asked for son to come to door, I went to son who declined and asked me to tell him to leave, which I did, upon going back upstairs to son, he was clearly agitated, he stated R has taken to smoking weed, drinking excessively and lifestyle choices he is not comfortable, he considers friendship with R non existent at present, has communicated this in a simple but clear message which I have seen ( son dad functioning alcoholic who he is NC with so son does struggle with those who make such choices )

I reassured son I am not annoyed with him etc and will support his choices, went to bed but then didn't sleep thinking about situation

I'm not sure what I'm asking really, I'm just worrying about son and about people knocking on door at what I consider an unacceptable time of night (although I go to bed early as shift worker in NHS so appreciate I may be being unreasonable), now at work worrying as 18 and 13yr old at home while I'm at work, have suggested to 18 not answer door, told 13yr old not to do so (general rule anyway)

Am I helicopter parenting, I know I'm overthinking but I do not know how to proceed if this continues

Sorry it was not brief but cannot stand drip feed

Your DS sounds as though he's handled this maturely in accordance with his own choices, which is fantastic. Its a relief when they're not swayed by peer pressure.
Your issue really is dealing with the unwanted disturbances. I don't think its helicopter parenting because the issue is effecting you and it sounds like DS can't stop it from happening without support.
I'd encourage him to message R telling him not to call at the house again. Then if he does, you and DS go down together to tell him if he keeps doing it you'll have to inform the police.

No, OP, you aren’t helicopter parenting - you are doing exactly the right thing by supporting your DS.
I would suggest that if you can, you install a doorbell camera so that when you are out, your DC can see who is at the door before answering (and you could also communicate with callers through the intercom from your phone E.g.”Sorry, R, DS is not in and I can’t come to the door right now”) - even from another location.
Your DS has also done the right thing and his simple clear message can be repeated each time R reaches out - without animosity - as in “Sorry, R, I can’t be around people with triggering lifestyles following childhood trauma, as I have previously advised” and rinse and repeat until R gets the message.
With your wonderful support you are helping DS to set and maintain boundaries!

Thank you, I am friends with his mum on the evil entity which is FB, but as they are both 18 I feel this is not a route I can take although R does live at home, although I wonder if this should continue, that would be option before involving Police

I am proud of my son's approach and will continue to support him as best I am able, I can remember being forced by my mum to go to the door when someone called who I begged not to see, I was subsequently punched on my doorstep, person had decided I was enemy number 1 as I didn't want to participate in school drama, I think I was about 13 at time, I feel home is a safe place and son should feel able to mix with who he wants as long as he declines in a polite (albeit blunt ND manner) way

I am new to adult but still teen years and do not want to get it wrong and alienate son, but also have to consider my 13yr old who is vulnerable

I have ordered a door camera now, unfortunately not ring but may upgrade when can, it says I can speak through it and save videos to a cloud, due to arrive tomorrow

Thank you for your help, parenting never gets easier, the worries just change