Should I let my children’s father have contact with them

[Youredoingok]

My children’s father has recently been released from prison for domestic abuse against me. There is a non-molestation order in place and he cannot contact me or come near me. I’ve had to move house for safety.
He’s very manipulative, controlling, narcissistic (I know that word gets overused, but it genuinely fits) and comes with an equally toxic mother. She hasn’t had anything to do with my eldest since she was one and has never met my youngest, despite being in the same places at times and acting like they don’t exist. I’m terrified now he’s out they’ll reconnect and bond over blaming/destroying me.
He hasn’t tried to contact the children at all since his release, and didn’t during his time in prison either. I suspect he’s playing the victim to anyone who will listen and blaming me for everything.
My eldest (12) says she wants to see him. My youngest (8) very much does not – she’s got emotional and begged me that if he gets his own place, please don’t make her go and stay at weekends.
I’m anxious about all of it. I don’t want my children poisoned against me by his manipulation, but I’m also terrified that if I stop contact I’ll be accused of gatekeeping and they’ll resent me in future. I’m equally scared of family court, as I know it doesn’t always favour the safer parent.
I feel like I can’t do right for doing wrong. I’d finally started to feel like I wasn’t constantly in fight-or-flight mode, and now I’m right back there. The worst part is the not knowing what he’s planning.
I have begged in the past for a normal co parent relationship, but that was never an option because he only wanted to control my life and what I was doing.
We’re both on the birth certificates. Do I have any rights here? I know the law is changing but I really struggle to read and retain legal info – I need it explained plainly.

Any advice or experience welcome

Seek professional advice.

You can exercise your parental right to prevent contact but this must be child centred. Because one child is open to establishing contact, you could explore a safe way to do this with advice from children’s services/cafcass. Were they involved at any point around his conviction? I don’t blame you for being scared of family court, but you would be going in with a lot of evidence of risk from him. Are the children named on the non mol too?
it must feel scary thinking about what could happen, but try not to go down too many rabbit holes. It is natural for the children to wonder about their father but this doesn’t mean your eldest will turn away from you. You are their safety and consistency. They will not forget this.

It doesn't sound like a good idea. You need professional advice. In a contact centre maybe? You don't want to put yourself at any further risk.

Yes my eldest was in the house when the attack happened. And they are under the non mol too.

I wouldn’t be letting him near my kids until a court told me I have to.

I would do everything in my power to prevent him seeing the children, speaking to the children or knowing anything about any of you.

I don't know where you stand legally, but I would get legal advice asap.

I would be truthful with the 12 year old, she can't see him because he isn't a safe person.

I would do nothing. I am guessing, due to the non-mol that he cannot contact you. If he wants contact, then he will make an application to court. The judge will then,likley have a look at ways that he can have contact safely. There is likley be an arrangement where a third party may support with handovers etc. You should ensure that your childrens school know that he is not permitted to collect.you night want to think about your eldest. Given they are twelve and likley to be using socisl media, you need to ensure they are not sharing information/contacting their dad. An organisation such as women's aid/ stop domestic abuse can support you to explain to your child why you need to do this. They cam also give you advice/emotional support. Good luck..

Hell would freeze over before I allowed a man like that near my children. I would flee the country if I had to. I think you are right to be concerned about court particularly given your eldest actively wants contact.

Do you know why the eldest wants contact? Do they know what he did to you and that he was in prison for it?

You do nothing. You cross that bridge if it comes up in the future and try to put it to the back of your mind as you have been.

I'd get some legal advice, social services, or they can point you in the right direction. I would not know where you stand legally but he is not allowed to contact you and has been in prison for domestic violence , Surely he'd be classed as a risk to your children. I know it's hard but these are nasty toxic people , they will always find a way to twist the narrative and point fingers at you. You are keeping your children safe and you have done nothing wrong. They won't blame you or think you are gatekeeping. You are protecting your children from an abusive man and manipulation. Your 12 year old child might wish to see him. But I'd say something like when it's safe we can discuss options and i will support you. Because right now he's not a safe man and there should be a safe arrangement like supervised contact centre or non at all. You need proper professional legal advice.

I am agreeing with PPs, do nothing until the court orders you to do so... By all means take advice in the meantime but non mols are there for a reason. It's a huge bar to actually be jailed for DA... What would you tell a loved woman in your life if she asked for your advice given the same situation. You owe him nothing, let him get a court order and then start with supervised contact.

No, I’ve managed to keep my kids protected from a lot. But through doing that my eldest can’t see any wrong in him. I don’t bad mouth him to her either. She was glad he was in prison because that meant we were safe and happy (Her words) there’s a lot more to the story, years worth of mental abuse, manipulation the list in endless but I don’t want to say too much on here in fear of him some how seeing it. I’m not sure what I can and can’t say. He still
has this over whelming presence in my life, pure dread and anxiety even though he’s not physically here. Social and other support is involved but they’re not the greatest help.

I agree with NuffSaidSam

"I would do everything in my power to prevent him seeing the children, speaking to the children or knowing anything about any of you.

I don't know where you stand legally, but I would get legal advice asap.

I would be truthful with the 12 year old, she can't see him because he isn't a safe person."

If she decides when she is 18 to see him that will be her chocie but make it very clear why he is not safe, and that you do not want him to know where you live or anything about your life, or your younger child's because he is not safe to be around.

So sorry.

I wouldn’t

Get legal advice to give you peace of mind.
However you say your eldest is also covered with the non-mol. If that is true, is the non-mol still active or has it ran out?
If the non molestation order is still active then a court agreed with you that it was too dangerous for your child to be with him. Therefore, yes, your child may see you as the bad guy initially, however your job is to keep her safe. I would sit just with the 12 year old and explain that you understand her feelings and wishes, that it us completely normal to be interested in meeting him. However, sometimes mums have to make hard decisions to keep their kids safe and the court (and you agree) had to make the tough decision that he isn't a safe person to be around. That as she gets older you'll be able to answer more questions. It isn't common that a dad is sent to prison due to his choices towards his family. It's okay for her to be sad, disappointed, angry, but that is the plan right now.
Unless i was court ordered, i would not be voluntarily putting my children, and myself, in harms way by opening contact.

In thr meantime, I would be teaching as much as possible about signs of unhealthy relationships. Speak to school to direct you to safe websites to support. So that if DD chooses to contact him when she is a adult she knows the signs and can make ger own decisions.

I'd also get her into therapy!!! 100%. Safe place to work through it, bur someone that has experience with this background.

If they are named on the non mol too then contact cannot happen right now because that is a safeguard. Speak to the social worker about your children’s feelings, thy can advise on how to proceed. It’s so hard to stay neutral and not bad mouth him so well done for this - it’s the only way to be. Keep talking to your children and see if there is any DV support available to them. They are also victims of it from being in the household. I know what you mean about the dread and anxiety but keep speaking to professionals, keep centring your children.

At 12 your DD your daughter is probably ready to receive a bit more information about why she needs to be kept safe from him. Once she’s 18 she can make decisions for herself but right now, for very good reason, you need to safeguard her.
There's no way I’d be making any sort of contact with him.

I would just like to add that I do not want him to have any contact with my children. The last 18 months of my life has been the most peaceful in 14 years. If I could take away his parental rights I would. Like I said there’s a lot more to the story lots more info that I don’t want to expose on here. If he chooses to he can go through a contact centre I think. I can’t see him paying for it or letting his ego allow that. It would be down to me, id have the final say. But as time is ticking on i was going to make the decision by my self and just say no contact. But I feel bad on my older child. I should have made that clearer. But the most stand out answer seems to be absolutely not. I have seeked legal advice, I am just waiting for the holiday period to be over to get reply’s.

@Youredoingok you sound like a really caring, thoughtful mum who kust wants to protect her kids whole also, understandably, giving them what they want. Sometimes after being in an abusive relationship, even when you've been out of it for years, you need that reassurance that your gut is right and not to doubt yourself. Hope the comments here have made you realise that you are right!

I think it’s time to sit down with your older dd and explain some of what you can’t say on here. It’s hard for her to hear but less hard than being around a dangerous and manipulative man. Not bad mouthing, just facts. My ex sadly got away with everything by sheer denial and a poor legal system. He pushed and pushed past the contact centre to get weekend and holiday contact (at times that suited him) only to drop the dc a few years down the line leaving them damaged from exposure to him and his unsuitable lifestyle. I’m just waiting it out hoping he doesn’t get back in touch, it’s been 9 months now . I understand the anxiety of leaving it un dealt with but in your case as well as mine I think any contact will just be stirring the pot and bringing you all to the forefront of his mind. They have a face to keep and the current status quo probably works with the woe is me, she want let me see my kids where they don’t have to make any effort. Won’t take much to poke the bear though so I remain silent and will cross the bridge when I come to it

I think it's time to say as pp said 'he is not a safe person' and tell them in an age appropriate way why not. You absolutely cannot have them see him - he isn't safe physically or mentally. You will hand him the narrative to play as he sees fit and you can't have him alienate your child at such a vulnerable age.

Your children are probably entitled to legal aid and it might be worth seeing if you could get a solicitor assigned to you so you could discuss this with them. Good luck with sorting this out as it sounds a really difficult situation for you. I also think that when children are at a stage in their school life when they are thinking if which exams to take and the sort of career they might wish to train for in later life they need a steady uncomplicated life at home.

OP "But I feel bad on my older child."

Please do not feel bad for protecting your older child.

Please do not sugar-coat his behaviour, it is hard for children to hear that their dad is a dangerous person to be around but it is much kinder in the long run for your child to know the truth in a matter of fact way.

Thinking of you.