Feeling utterly bleak

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I feel so bleak and empty at the moment. It's partly the dark and the cold but I really feel like I just can't see any point or joy whatsoever left in my life.

It's a whole long story that I feel like I've typed out too many times on other threads about my Mum's dementia and caring for her, her sudden death, relapsing with eating disorder, compulsive exercise issues, Christmas alone because of my relapse meaning I missed the amazing holiday I'd been looking forward to.

But it's more than that. I feel so completely alone and unmoored. I feel like I'm pointless in the world. I'm asexual, I'm never going to have anyone feel strongly about me. I don't have any friends, although I'm friendly as a person and have people I like, it all just feels exhausting and full of effort. I'm meant to be going back to work next week and the thought makes me feel so drained, but I'm self-employed, I'll have no income if I don't and my business will fall apart. My family will be back in a few weeks and the thought of them makes me feel so drained.

I've been trying to push through for so many weeks, using exercise to make myself feel better but my body hurts all over, my knees are so swollen and sore, I can't sleep. I just feel completely and utterly spent and completely and utterly full of bone-deep despair.

I don't even know what to do. I'm too tired to call any helplines. I'm too tired to even cry. All I want is to curl up in my mum's arms and let myself be held. But she's dead and I'll never feel her arms around me again.

I’m so sorry you feel so hopeless and life has been so cruel to you. Please know that you are loved and you are worthy of being here, just because you are special. I can’t imagine how tough it feels right now, please keep putting one foot in front of the other. You don’t know me and I don’t know you, but mentally I’m giving you the biggest hug. The sun will rise again and you will feel its warmth. ❤

Sending ❤️

I wish I could help but offering you thoughts and prayers x All I can think of is:-

You say "your family will be back in a few weeks"?

Can you contact your GP for an emergency appointment?

Maybe post this on the Mental Health or Bereavement boards where you will receive good advice and solidarity from those who have shared some of your experiences?

And in response your opening statement, "yes" it IS bleak this time of year if you are struggling 💐 the whole reason we celebrate Christmas this time of year is because we need something to get us through the dark.

I’m so sorry - bless you.

You’re not alone. Many people feel like this and it does pass. Try to find something, anything to look forward to and work towards. Hopefulness is hugely important right now. Fake it until you make it

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I have done in the past, and it's horrendous. A family member took their life and the pain it caused the rest of us was horrific, something I'd never inflict, particularly on my DS and DF. So on dark days I tell myself it's better that I feel like this, than they do. It helps a bit. And the dark days very, very slowly reduce in number. Antidepressants help too. Hold on.

Are you managing to eat a reasonable amount atm, as that will help your mood and enable you to think clearly. I know that can be easier said than done when you are struggling with ED as well as all you’re other issues

I’m so sorry about your mum OP. Christmas is very hard for the recently bereaved.

I think you should call your GP surgery in the morning for an appointment, and explain what you’ve written so articulately here.

Start with one little thing you could enjoy to look forward to each day, even tiny things, be kind to yourself you won’t be alone in feeling this way x

Try calling the Samaritans OP they are always at the end of the phone 💐

I would speak to my doctor and enquire about being put on antidepressants for the interim - can assess how you feel in 3 months time and choose to stay on if you feel they’re making a positive impact?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum OP, and that you are in such a bleak place. All I can think is that she would be heartbroken to think of you feeling so utterly lost and would want so much for you to reach out to someone. Your GP, the Samaritans, the Cruse bereavement helpline... please get the help and support she would want you to have. You shouldn't have to suffer this alone.

Hi op you are not alone many people feel as you do it is very hard but you will get through this. Tell yourself you deserve to rest and you deserve fuelling because you are worthy and you are important in this world. Write a list of things you enjoy and will commit to doing more of in 2026 for fun only... for me this will be music and walking in nature I am hoping to join a choir and to do some gentle walking in greenery for fresh air and mood lifting reasons. Listen to comedy. Talk to your mum she is in another realm but I am sure she can hear you xx take care and pls reach out for help in real life xx

I'm so sorry. There is so much warmth and kindness in your post - for your mother, especially, who you loved and who loved you so much.

You are important and worthy and you deserve peace and comfort.

Oh hon that’s really tough. I think this time of year is difficult. I feel terrible today and did yesterday, the lack of light I find really hard, I’ve been diagnosed with vitamin D deficiency and that can impact mood (everyone in the UK should be taking supplements in the winter, which I’ve only just found out). I’m missing my dad, anniversary of his death yesterday, and I didn’t sleep last night. But I’ve felt terrible before and I’ve got over it, I think the only thing I can do is accept it’s tough now, but take care of myself and know that spring will come and things will feel better at some point. X

You are not alone in feeling like this OP ❤ Hold on, and take it minute by minute.

I recall your other thread. And I posted on that.

Please know that you are such a valuable, worthy, treasured person.

You do not deserve to be unwell. You have anorexia; a very serious and life limiting illness. And on top of that you are facing intense grief.

There is nothing I can say to mitigate your current pain. It is real and immutable.

But I believe there can be hope. I have posted on other threads about the recent death of my beloved daughter. I am carrying on - day by day - in my situation for my other children. But there can be other motivators.

I really wish you well.

These days between Christmas and NYD can be tough mentally, it’s not just you. I struggle every year and i found it especially hard the year my mum died. I didn’t want to see in the new year without her - it felt like leaving her behind.

When new year’s day had passed i always feel much better and I hope you will too.

Yes, that's exactly it. Thank you for expressing it so clearly. The idea of facing a year she isn't in hurts so much. It feels like she's getting further and further away but I only miss her more and more as the shock recedes.
That plus the weather, the dark, the loneliness and all the other mental health stuff, plus work and family stuff. I just feel really overwhelmed at the moment.

A whole new year full of problems and worries seems really daunting, but take it a step at a time. You don’t have to deal with it all at once. It might help to plan a gentle year ahead, continuing the connection with your mum - maybe through writing her a letter one night a month or doing something you would have enjoyed doing together?

Do you have any other groups for social support? Somewhere you can find connection without too much pressure - an LGBTQ+ group or a hobby group might be ideal - online maybe to start with so you can step away when you need to.

Something i’ve started doing this year is letting Chat GPT deal with stuff. It’s actually really helpful particularly in a crisis. I fire everything into it and it basically tells me it’s ok to feel this way and this is what i should do. Sorry if this sounds like a daft suggestion but it’s saved me from a doom spiral lots of times!