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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance

70 replies

Breeabelle · 29/12/2025 19:41

I am looking for an outside opinion on my siblings thoughts on their inheritance.

I live in the same country as my aging mum. I have two kids and am a single mother but have met someone 4 years ago and we are looking to buy a house. There is one house that we have looked at has a one bedroom flat attached to it. My mum would like to sell her very nice house and put some money towards this house for us, and that would be my share of the inheritance. I have 3 siblings that all live abroad and only come home for a week or two every year. My mums current house is in good condition but she needs lots of help maintaining it and things are starting to go wrong, like a new boiler is needed, there's a leak in the attic, etc, nothing major, but things than stress her out at her age. I think her moving in next to me in a completely separate but attached dwelling is a fantastic idea as she is quite nervous about being by herself but equally is totally independent.

However one sibling has kicked off about it saying it is so unfair that I possibly will be getting slightly more inheritance than the rest of them- 10,000 roughly. I have said that I will be the one taking care of mum as she ages and that I could of course buy a different house which would cost me much less but I am thinking of the future with Mum. And that they need to talk to mum about it as it isn't my money. And we mightn't even get the house. It has caused so much stress and now nobody is talking to each other. My mum is all for the new house.

Do you think it's worth the stress of siblings not talking to each other ?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 29/12/2025 22:37

Breeabelle · 29/12/2025 19:56

Well this is another big reason mum wants to sell her house now and divide out what she can because where we live, if she needed a nursing home, the government can possess her house and sell it to recoup the cost of her care but if she doesn't have any assets then they have to pay.

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Your DM would be making a huge mistake doing this! For example - she sells her house for £200k and gives away £150k to you and your siblings. She then needs full time care in a home. She has to complete a financial assessment. The LA will know that she’s recently sold her house and exactly what she sold it for. They will therefore assume she still has that money and will not pay for her care. And quite right too!

FunnyOrca · 29/12/2025 22:43

Breeabelle · 29/12/2025 20:00

That's genuinely what I think too. The others don't see how mum is ageing because they barely see her due to the distance from where they live. But also just wanted opinions in case what we plan to do is unfair.

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Nobody can understand caring for an elderly parent until they do it. Having her on the same property as you will make it much easier when the time comes. 10k isn’t much in the grand scheme of things. Paying for a live in carer would use that up pretty darn quickly!

NextItsBooty · 29/12/2025 22:53

Soontobe60 · 29/12/2025 22:37

Your DM would be making a huge mistake doing this! For example - she sells her house for £200k and gives away £150k to you and your siblings. She then needs full time care in a home. She has to complete a financial assessment. The LA will know that she’s recently sold her house and exactly what she sold it for. They will therefore assume she still has that money and will not pay for her care. And quite right too!

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And just giving up all of your choices and ending up just being in a home that that the government puts you in. Not the one that’s best for your circumstances.

DeftWasp · 29/12/2025 22:54

berlinbaby2025 · 29/12/2025 20:30

I had a feeling this was part of the issue. You need to tread very carefully now because if she has to go into a care home, the local authority will - if necessary - put a charge on that house, even if you sell it before. They won’t take your or her word for it that she hasn’t depreciated her assets. And they can and will go through all aspects of her financial and medical history.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/do-i-have-to-sell-my-home-to-pay-for-care

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OP isn't in the UK, different territories have wildly different rules to us

Lightuptheroom · 29/12/2025 22:55

Part of the difficulty is that the person can envisage not ever going into a care home, but one medical incident , a fall, anything can change everything. If you're in the UK (you haven't confirmed this) then the local authority can ask to look at what assets your mum has given away for at least the past 7 years. A house is a big asset and she would be found to have deprived herself of the assets and care wouldn't be funded. Without wishing to sound nasty, if your mum had a stroke or similar tomorrow would you be able to care for her 24/7? Would you be willing to pay for that 24/7 care?
My dad envisaged he'd 'never' go into a care home because my mum would 'always' look after him. September 2024 she had developed advanced dementia and was making regular threats to kill him. April 2025 he fell and fractured his hip age 87... Developed post operative delirium and lost all cognitive function.There was no way we would have been able to care for him. He died end of September 2025. You HAVE to look beyond what appears to be a good idea at the present time to how are you going to manage in the absolutely worst case scenario. Selling a house in the UK when fhere is a possibility of needing to fund extra care and assistance is deprivation of assets . You need to go into this with your eyes wide open and realise it's not so much an inheritance issue as the government choosing to reclaim money you've all had.

DeftWasp · 29/12/2025 22:56

Soontobe60 · 29/12/2025 22:37

Your DM would be making a huge mistake doing this! For example - she sells her house for £200k and gives away £150k to you and your siblings. She then needs full time care in a home. She has to complete a financial assessment. The LA will know that she’s recently sold her house and exactly what she sold it for. They will therefore assume she still has that money and will not pay for her care. And quite right too!

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Which LA?? in Spain, Slovakia, Uganda?? the OP isn't in the UK, and we don't know where she is - what we do know is they won't have an "LA" the likely have a far more effective means of local government.

KellsBells7 · 29/12/2025 23:02

Many elderly people don’t wish to go into homes, but sometimes care needs mean they have to. Having money gives you the freedom to choose this care, your Mum would be very unwise to give her assets away.

justgottadoit · 29/12/2025 23:04

Care homes (if you need them and you might) cost £1800 - £2300 per WEEK, depending on the level of care required.

As a PP said, you might actually need a care home as you don’t know how she will be in the future.

Make sure you retain enough for potential care costs or it could end up very badly

Silvertulips · 29/12/2025 23:10

I live away from family and I would have no objection to my sibling doing the same - because I can’t be there!

She’s still alive and she can make her choices. My mum cared for nan.

DeftWasp · 29/12/2025 23:11

justgottadoit · 29/12/2025 23:04

Care homes (if you need them and you might) cost £1800 - £2300 per WEEK, depending on the level of care required.

As a PP said, you might actually need a care home as you don’t know how she will be in the future.

Make sure you retain enough for potential care costs or it could end up very badly

"because where we live, if she needed a nursing home, the government can possess her house and sell it to recoup the cost of her care"

THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK-

So why, for the love of the sweet baby Jesus is everyone giving advice about UK rules, care home fees, local authorities because....

THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK-

DeftWasp · 29/12/2025 23:16

I'm going to answer the OPs question:

It sounds eminently sensible to have the advanced inheritance to buy a home and your mum downsize to a flat.

With the small imbalance on your siblings inheritances, perhaps you could agree to settle that with them yourself when you can in the future.

Of course, you having your share now, and them theirs when your DM passes and the flat gets sold leaves them with the risk that the value of the flat may be absorbed by costs relating to, for example, care.

As you are not in the UK, check out your countries rules, if indeed they have such rules on depriving yourself of assets.

Happeebirthdaeharry · 29/12/2025 23:27

Breeabelle · 29/12/2025 19:41

I am looking for an outside opinion on my siblings thoughts on their inheritance.

I live in the same country as my aging mum. I have two kids and am a single mother but have met someone 4 years ago and we are looking to buy a house. There is one house that we have looked at has a one bedroom flat attached to it. My mum would like to sell her very nice house and put some money towards this house for us, and that would be my share of the inheritance. I have 3 siblings that all live abroad and only come home for a week or two every year. My mums current house is in good condition but she needs lots of help maintaining it and things are starting to go wrong, like a new boiler is needed, there's a leak in the attic, etc, nothing major, but things than stress her out at her age. I think her moving in next to me in a completely separate but attached dwelling is a fantastic idea as she is quite nervous about being by herself but equally is totally independent.

However one sibling has kicked off about it saying it is so unfair that I possibly will be getting slightly more inheritance than the rest of them- 10,000 roughly. I have said that I will be the one taking care of mum as she ages and that I could of course buy a different house which would cost me much less but I am thinking of the future with Mum. And that they need to talk to mum about it as it isn't my money. And we mightn't even get the house. It has caused so much stress and now nobody is talking to each other. My mum is all for the new house.

Do you think it's worth the stress of siblings not talking to each other ?

Explain that to your siblings! That this way they get something as opposed to nothing at all!

If she had to invest the whole value of her house for the annex, I’d say absolutely not being reasonable to your siblings. She’s their mum too and if leaving money to one, then she leaves for all. But, if you just get 10K extra than your siblings and they’re free from the later life-care when it’s needed, then you are being reasonable.

Ohpleeeease · 30/12/2025 00:05

DeftWasp · 29/12/2025 23:11

"because where we live, if she needed a nursing home, the government can possess her house and sell it to recoup the cost of her care"

THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK-

So why, for the love of the sweet baby Jesus is everyone giving advice about UK rules, care home fees, local authorities because....

THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK- THE OP IS NOT IN THE UK-

Show quote history

Where has she said this?

sellthebigissue · 30/12/2025 00:15

Ohpleeeease · 30/12/2025 00:05

Where has she said this?

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I was thinking the same thing. I noted she said her siblings were abroad and thats it.

justgottadoit · 30/12/2025 07:02

@DeftWaspcalm down. You only need to write it once.

But I can’t see where OP says she lives. I think she’s in the UK. There are different rules and funding arrangements between England and Scotland which may have caused confusion? OP describes the arrangement in England, so I assume she lives there

wonreasleyy · 30/12/2025 07:22

Isn’t it deprivation of assets if something was to happen to your mum in the next 7 years ?

DeftWasp · 30/12/2025 08:13

Ohpleeeease · 30/12/2025 00:05

Where has she said this?

Show quote history

She says

"because where we live, if she needed a nursing home, the government can possess her house and sell it to recoup the cost of her care"

That is not the case anywhere in the UK

DeftWasp · 30/12/2025 08:14

justgottadoit · 30/12/2025 07:02

@DeftWaspcalm down. You only need to write it once.

But I can’t see where OP says she lives. I think she’s in the UK. There are different rules and funding arrangements between England and Scotland which may have caused confusion? OP describes the arrangement in England, so I assume she lives there

She says

"because where we live, if she needed a nursing home, the government can possess her house and sell it to recoup the cost of her care"

That arrangement does not exist in the UK

curious79 · 30/12/2025 08:18

Breeabelle · 29/12/2025 19:57

I hate talking about money and inheritance and I keep telling my mum that none of us kids wants anything except for happy memories with her and that she should go enjoy her life!

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Apart from your siblings who clearly do want their share of the 10k
Tgeyre being grabby snd unreasonable. If your mum is willing to do this then it’s a blessing as you know she is safe and can be looked after easily / helped by you long before it becomes an urgent need

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 30/12/2025 08:19

DeftWasp · 30/12/2025 08:14

She says

"because where we live, if she needed a nursing home, the government can possess her house and sell it to recoup the cost of her care"

That arrangement does not exist in the UK

Show quote history

@DeftWasp its called a charging order.
In Scotland, a Charging Order is a legal mechanism used by local councils (social work departments) to secure a debt against your home to pay for care home fees.

It acts similarly to a mortgage or a "standard security," ensuring that the council eventually recovers the money it has spent on your care when the property is sold or the owner passes away.

berlinbaby2025 · 30/12/2025 08:21

DeftWasp · 30/12/2025 08:14

She says

"because where we live, if she needed a nursing home, the government can possess her house and sell it to recoup the cost of her care"

That arrangement does not exist in the UK

Show quote history

The wording of that could easily be interpreted as what happens in the UK - you go into a care home, you have to sell your house if you have no other assets or savings.

berlinbaby2025 · 30/12/2025 08:22

wonreasleyy · 30/12/2025 07:22

Isn’t it deprivation of assets if something was to happen to your mum in the next 7 years ?

No, that’s inheritance tax and the seven year law.

Nearly50omg · 30/12/2025 08:27

Point out to your siblings it isn’t their money it’s your mums! And your mum can spend all of it if she wants to before she dies as it’s “her” money!! You are thinking about your mum and what’s best for her and not what you can get out of her - point this out to siblings and say you see you mum not £££ signs

Ineedanewsofa · 30/12/2025 08:32

We did this with my parents and having just lost my dad being able to easily be around for mum but her still having her own space in invaluable.
Two key differences for us - my sibling was totally on board and hasn’t said a word about money and my parents kept money from their house sale ring-fenced in case they needed it for care. They did make small gifts when they sold up but kept the majority invested which my mum will keep where it is until she needs it.
You do need to be very careful around the deprivation of assets thing!

ChristmasCwtch · 30/12/2025 08:40

That’s called deprivation of assets. I’m appalled that you/she thinks it’s reasonable for council tax payers to be lumped with any future care costs!!