Am I an awful mum for needing a break?

[justtryingherbest]

My ex and I split in January and as of now he has our son 1 evening a week after school, an hour or 2 max. Then he’ll have him every other weekend for 2 nights. And has them both every Saturday whilst I’m at work. It’s confusing, but he won’t have our daughter yet as she doesn’t sleep great and wakes a couple of times to breastfeed still. I want to stop breastfeeding so I am working on it but those who have breastfed know it’s bloody hard! I asked him to just try and have her a couple of nights to maybe help kick start the process. But again he said no as the last time he tried she woke a few times

im so burnt out, I haven’t had a proper night off in nearly 2 years but then comes the mum guilt of wanting a break…

im finding my patience is very thin, i was blowing my nose in the loo and noticed my daughter was about close the toilet seat on her fingers so I grabbed her arm and its left a red mark so I’m feeling bloody bad for that too

should I be expecting more support/more of a break?

You can't force him to parent, unfortunately.

You were highly unreasonable to grab your small child's arm so hard it left a mark.

Well, of course you should. Your children have two parents and 50/50 custody is the only reasonable expectations. Yet, in reality, women end up accepting breadcrumbs instead of equal parenting while men live as is their kids are an inconvenience.
Obviously you can't force your ex to parent but his lack of responsibility does not make you a bad mother.

Thanks @BengalBangle — already feel awful for that so thanks for the confirmation.

If you grabbed her to prevent injury and misjudged it, I don’t think you need to feel guilty.

yANBU in wanting him to step up. You can’t make him though. He’s selfish. You’re presumably dealing with broken sleep every night, not 2 a fortnight.

That wouldn't leave a mark.

Completely understand, his reasons are shite and unacceptable. But even a court order can't make him show up for his kids... which is madness because of you decided not to care for them then you'd be done for neglect.
I really feel for you. It isn't easy to have broken sleep, 100% responsibility because his poxy support isn't scraping the surface.
Any friends or family who could support? My friend does a sleepover swap with another single mum, so she has all the kids one night and then the following week the other mum has all the kids and she gets a break. And it's free!
Unfortunately, when you're in the trenches it is hard to see the light. It won't be forever, little one won't always need breastfed.

I did grab her arm to stop her from closing the lid on her fingers yes. It’s a very heavy toilet seat and I just panicked

You are not an awful mum, you are a human doing the best job possible in challenging circumstances.
Do you have family or a close friend ho might be able to come and stay for 24 hrs to give you a break and allow you to sleep and recharge?
You sound very conscientious, probably putting yourself last in self care.
I have no real answer, other than time will make things better.

Yanbu to expect it, but unfortunately, you can’t force it.

Wanting a break is human

this is what so dangerous of posters screaming at dads who take evenings off and some time at the weekend - instead of blaming the dads, they should encourage the MUM to do the same.

You don't have that luxury, but every other weekends for 2 nights is a break, and a lot more than most parents have. I haven’t had a proper night off in nearly 2 years

do whatever you need to do, co-sleep if that helps (easier to comfort a child when you stay in bed than having to get up)

should I be expecting more support/more of a break?
not really, you can't make it.

You do have a job so you do have a break from the children. You can have lazy days with them at the weekend, that's what works the best.

You're human, of course you aren't unreasonable for feeling that you need a break. I don't think it would be fair to your daughter to leave her overnight with her Dad who currently doesn't spend much time with her though. I also breastfed all of mine, and never left them overnight because they would have found it really stressful, even if they were with their very good Dad who they live with. Why doesn't he have her in the day on his weekend though? Then you would get a day to rest.
You reference your thin patience at the start of saying how you left a red mark when grabbing her, just remember that it's him you are mad at, and it's not your children's fault that he's not parenting more.

OP you sound like a great mum and of course you're not unreasonable to need a break! Unfortunately, you can't force your ex to have the kids more, this is the reality for so many mothers 😕

Please don't feel bad for grabbing your little ones arm to prevent a worse injury - I think most parents have been there!

Is there any friends or family member who'd be willing to step in for a night so you can get a full night's sleep? Once you've cracked the stopping breastfeeding, your ex has no excuse !

I don’t think you can expect a break no - sadly that’s parenting, and it’s doubly hard when you are alone

It’s no surprise you’re exhausted and burnt out but if you’re still breast feeding at night and the baby often wakes twice I would really not expect dad to muscle through this - your baby will be inconsolable without the comfort of a feed.

I agree it’s hard to stop the breastfeeding but I think you need to do that to facilitate getting ex to do more overnights. Meantime could you go and stay with your own mum and dad for a few weeks (take time off work perhaps)? Or invite them to stay if there is room? I always found just having another adult around helped me reset my stress and exhaustion.

Your posting on a board about your concerns which shows your worried your definitely not a awful mum and it's not terrible to want a break!

Your exhausted and so is your body. How old is your DD? Your ex is being unreasonable to not take your DD because she wakes if she will settle with cuddles etc. I extended bf my 2 they would still settle for dad then go back to bf when I was back with them.

Do you have any support to help gentle sleep train? We found the Lucy Wolfe book worked for our 2

Im assuming you aren't a single parent here @SereneCoralExpert ?

Of course, it’s fine to want a break! I night weaned my then 16 month old because I wanted a 4 day holiday to Italy without him. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It was great. I left him with Dh and off I went and I had a lovely time and they were totally fine.

I accept that, yes, it’s overwhelming to do nights alone when you’ve never done it before, but there is a first time for everything. He needs to suck it up and get on with it. Both mine woke at night til 3.5/4, so nothing to do with night feeds. He needs to find his feet.