AIBU to feel like I never get a real break — even when the kids are “occupied”?

[HumbleTalkativeMum]

I’ve got three little ones — 5, 3, and 1 — and I’m doing it all alone. People say “you need to take time for yourself,” but when? Unless they’re asleep or doing something quietly (drawing, colouring, homework, reading, maybe the park), I’m still switched on. Even then, it’s not really rest — I’m still listening, watching, prepping, worrying.

I’ve had friends say they understand because their partner works full-time, but it’s not the same when you’re the only one managing everything — emotionally, physically, financially.

AIBU to feel like I never get a proper break? And does anyone else feel like even the quiet moments aren’t truly restful?

Where is their dad? Don't they spend any time with him?

You're absolutely right it's unrealistic. The only time I think you could genuinely get for yourself would be if someone you trust is looking after them all. I hope you're able to have that often, I'd prioritise it if possible.

that sounds really tough. i suppose you need to plod on until theyre a little older.

I consider going to work a break.

I enjoy the commute and try to do exercise / shopping etc on my lunch breaks.

My real ‘me time’ is when I WFH and everyone is at school / nursery / childcare. Even though I’m working, to be in my own space, uninterrupted coffee etc…

YANBU

You won't ever really get a rest from the prepping and worrying unfortunately. That's pretty much a lifetime commitment now. It's the same for parents in a partnership, there is no real break from the worry, but they have each other to share the worry with.

I think over time you just get better at managing it, finding rest in the small moments.

But, yep, you'll worry about them now pretty much until you're dead.

I commented on your other post but it’s absolutely the same for me. Lone parent never get a break, one isn’t in school so even that’s not a break. Always get asked where the dad is like the first comment already like jeez why didn’t I think of that 🙄

Apart from paying for babysitters as often as you can, I've got some possibly odd suggestions. These are things I've done for myself as a single parent:

Get really engrossed in a book whenever you get a chance (I realise not often), the escapism to another world can help.
Journalling, to help stay on track with yourself and not get swallowed up.
Also a 10 minute yoga video, same reason.
Venting to friends.
Something to look forward to/anything that makes you feel alive and remember who you are underneath all the responsibility.

Argh there is nothing worse than someone saying they know how you feel because their partner goes to work or has a night away!!

Mine have semi flown. It's worth it in the end

That's tough. I think it's plodding on for a few years and grabbing tiny bits of peace where you can. Is 5 yo in school? Do the younger ones go to any kind of childcare? Do you work? If you could take the younger two to something and get even one hour to sit in a cafe and read or something, that's a very small start.

Ouch - having three those ages is hard enough without doing it all alone. Do you have any support from family? Is their dad not around at all?

IME it does get easier as they get older - some people say it doesn’t but perhaps they had incredibly easy babies and toddlers. Mine definitely were easier once 3+ and easier again at school age. Hang in there. I think any time you get to yourself is best spent sleeping, at least for these next couple of years.

Yeah I’ve got 3 kids, not so close together and with a very hands on husband and it’s still too much sometimes.

No, you won't be to the stage where you can completely disconnect from your kids as the only parent in their life for some time.

It's a bit different if you have reliable and supportive family nearby, but it's really tough raising kids not just being a single parent, but the only parent they've got and no backup at all. Even being a single parent is different because there's the other parent if worst comes to worst and your kids won't go into foster care. And yours are young and the appointments seem constant when there's SEN possibly involved.

See if you can find a reliable babysitter and get a little time to yourself when you can. Keep a healthy lifestyle with diet and exercise and practice stress reduction techniques. I went to the gym and my kids were old enough to work out, but they had a nursery for little kids for an hour, if that's available where you are. Get the kids involved in chores early, even if it's just giving them clothes to fold. That way the teamwork involved in running the household is second nature to them.

Good luck.

I'm in a similar situation to you and I recently got ChatGPT to help me build in moments of 'micro rest' into my day. Similar to what a PP has said above, it's about grabbing small moments for yourself rather than hoping for large uninterrupted chunks of 'time off'.

Failing that, is getting a babysitter an option?

Where is their father?

The joys of having children, the life you had before no longer exists.

Of course you cannot "take time for yourself" when you are a lone (?) parent to three young children. Whoever told you to do that is very thoughtless. It just isn't realistic unless you can get a babysitter or childcare somehow?

You had 3 children each pretty much immediately after the other. It's a bit late to complain about being busy now, of course you're busy!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply — I really appreciate every message 💛 I wanted to respond to a few of you here.

@Endofyear & @DaisyChain505About their dad — things didn’t work out as planned. There were periods of DV, and the kids were seeing it. I knew I had to step away because I don’t want them growing up in that kind of environment. He is getting help, and maybe one day in the future something can be arranged for contact, but right now it’s a no‑brainer that they stay with me and away from that situation. So day‑to‑day, it’s just me.

@MylipstickiscalledHugMeYou’re right — it’s unrealistic to “take time for yourself” unless someone you trust can watch all three. I don’t have that option, but I’m trying to hold onto tiny things that make me feel like myself, even if it’s just a few minutes here and there.

@muggartIt really is a case of plodding on. I’m hoping things ease up as they get older.

@MidnightPatrolI can imagine work feeling like a break. I’m not working at the moment because I have no childcare, but I understand what you mean about uninterrupted space.

@NuffSaidSamYou’re right — the worry never really stops. I think I’m just feeling the weight of being the only adult who carries all of it.

@NoAdviceOnlyJudgementI felt your comment so much. The “where’s the dad?” question comes up constantly, as if I haven’t thought of that myself. Lone parenting is a different level of constant.

@daffodilandtulipYes — it’s so hard when people compare it to their partner being at work or away for a night. It’s not the same at all. Thank you for the reminder that it’s worth it in the end.

@PullTheBricksDownMy 5‑year‑old is in school, but the younger two are with me full‑time. I don’t have childcare and I’m not working right now. Even an hour in a café sounds like heaven, but it’s not possible at the moment.

@minipieThank you — I’m holding onto the hope that things get easier as they get older. Right now it’s just very intense.

@ResusciAnnieEven with support it can be overwhelming, so doing it alone with three close in age is definitely a lot.

@outerspacepotatoYou put it into words perfectly — being the only parent they have, with no backup at all, is a different kind of pressure. And yes, the appointments and constant needs make it even more intense.

@JustastupidgirlI love the idea of micro‑rests. I’m trying to find those tiny moments, even if it’s just breathing while they draw or colour. A babysitter isn’t an option right now, but I’m doing what I can.

@SkybluepinkyThat line hit me — “the life you had before no longer exists.” I’m trying to build something new, but it’s a big adjustment.

@BunchOfShapesThank you — it really isn’t realistic to “take time for yourself” when you’re a lone parent to three young children. Unless you have childcare, it’s just not possible.

If anyone is looking for another mum to chat to — about the highs, the lows, or just the everyday stuff — feel free to DM me. I’m happy to share my number privately 🌿💛 No pressure at all, just here if anyone ever needs someone to talk to.

Will you get 15 hours for the three year old soon? If you are in England you should get some nursery time already for them if on a low income. It isn't a break as you still have one at home but better than two!

Sure she can still complain.

Well done for leaving a domestic violence relationship. You have saved your children a lot of trauma and harm which would lead into their adult lives and how they view relationships.

Everytime you feel like giving up just remind yourself how much pain and trauma you’ve saved them from.

Yeah, you can't. Even when they are older...you never switch off.

Do you have a job? I used to take a days annual leave and send the children to the minder a couple of times a year if I could, just for the head space.

It gets easier, it honestly does. I was a single mum from when my youngest was two. The eldest was nine and there were five of them. It was, quite frequently, hell. They hardly ever saw their dad, who didn't pay either, so we were poor, exhausted, and living in a cold, damp house.

But with each year that passed life got a little bit easier. The kids were all very close, which helped, and once they were at school they all slept much better and I could carve out the odd hour in the evenings once they were in bed. You learn to find five minutes here and there - when they are playing at the park, when they are all watching TV. And those five minutes start to stretch and stretch and by the time they are early teens/late tweens they will spend more and more time in their rooms or with friends and you get to sit down and chill. Sometimes.

Thank you all so much for your replies — I really appreciate the support and honesty 💛 I wanted to respond to a few of you here.

@Coffeeandbooks88 Yes — my 3‑year‑old starts her 15 hours in January. I had to move her from her last nursery because I believe she has autism, and they weren’t supporting me in trying to get her assessed. The GP said I have to go through the school or pay privately, even though I’m on benefits. So I’m doing my best to advocate for her while juggling everything else.

@HoskinsChoice I know I had my children close together, and yes — it’s busy. But that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel overwhelmed. I’m doing it all alone, with no childcare, no partner support, and my house is being repossessed. I’m trying to stay strong for my girls, but it’s a lot.

@Coffeeandbooks88 (again)Thank you for saying I can still complain. That meant more than you know.

@DaisyChain505 Thank you for your kind words. I left because I didn’t want my girls growing up in a home where they saw violence. It wasn’t easy, but I knew I had to protect them. He’s getting help now, and maybe one day something can be arranged — but right now, it’s not safe.

@Hello39 I’m not working at the moment — UC are telling me not to, but housing are telling me I should. It’s confusing and stressful. I’d love to take a day just to breathe, but I don’t have childcare or anyone who can take the kids even for an hour.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat Your message gave me hope. Thank you. I’ve got three little ones — 5, 3 and 1 — and I’m with them 24/7. No nursery yet for the youngest, and no support from their dad. They ask about him daily, and I try to stay strong, but I break down sometimes. I don’t know how to explain it all to them — I just keep saying “Daddy’s not ready to be around right now,” and hope that one day I’ll have a better answer.

You’re not going wrong. You’re not failing. You’re doing something incredibly hard, and the fact that you’re still showing up — even if the house is messy and you’re barely functioning — means you’re doing more than enough.

If anyone’s looking for another mum to chat to — about the highs, the lows, or just the everyday stuff — feel free to DM me. I’m happy to share my number privately 🌿💛 No pressure at all, just here if anyone ever needs someone to talk to.