To Feel Like I'm Doing Everything Wrong? Divorce.

[Beelineshmeeline]

In the summer I found out DH has been having an affair that lasted just less than a year, we have one DC together who just turned 6. We paid for a counselling session but realised quickly we wouldn't be able to stay together. His affair had ended before I found out about it.
I don't know if it's just in my head or if I'm doing everything wrong. DC never stops asking when daddy's coming back despite me explaining it to them over and over, they have delays and their understanding is very behind. I ring into work all the time because I don't have childcare when my soon to be ex-husband is off doing whatever he's doing so I know people at work judge me for the time I have off. I've not kept up with friendships the same way I usually would and practically ghosted everyone for an entire 2 months from July when I found out and switched my phone off the majority of the time and I still just can't bring myself to speak to a lot of them and answer their questions. Ex and I can't agree on anything anymore and every meeting ends up with him storming off. My family think I should have tried to stay with him. I've gained weight, stopped going to the gym, stopped hiking, I feel sad all the time.

I just feel like everything went wrong, I'm still heartbroken and I don't know when things will get better. Everyone seems like they're losing patience with me as if enough times gone by for me to have picked myself back up but it hasn't. I still feel like I've lost my soul mate and my life of 20 years with him is over when I didn't know it was going to be. Should I be doing better by now? How do I move on when I feel like everyday is a loss for what we could have had? I know I need to, but how do you just make yourself? I didn't expect to be a 50/50 parent. I thought my family was here forever.

He took away the life you'd thought you'd have rather than the life you actually had. It's natural to grieve that, but even if you were back together you wouldn't have the life you thought you would. Start forming new friendships with people who don't know you as half of that couple. There are some great parenting groups for those with children who have additional needs, you'd also get peer support from people who understand.

You’re in the trenches. First things is to accept that. Gym, work, etc comes second right now. You’re grieving and surviving. And that’s okay.

For the kids - needs to be black and white with what’s happening and how it impacts them. Avoid flowery language. Be clear so thy fully understand. Dad lives X, you’ll see him Y. It’s not cruel it’s to help them understand. They deal in facts and truth.

You - go back for the counselling. Be kind to youself. Figure a system that helps you, even it’s as simple as having nice biscuits. Consider if a dr and medicine could help. We’re not medics so won’t know but they will.

Future - go write a letter to yourself for this time next year with a few basic aims you’re going to achieve. Nothing dramatic just step by step.

You won’t always feel like this but only you can take steps towards healing. You have to choose that.

Don't worry about what everyone else is thinking, just go at your own pace..
Start with the basics - eat, sleep, exercise, reconnect with friends (you can tell them you don't want to talk about what happened in advance).
The hardest bit is to accept that you are not in control. You are not in control of him, you are not in control of the future. The relationship is over. The only thing you can control is what you do going forward.
Every emotion you experience is valid. Your timeline is valid. And it takes as long as it takes.
But you do need to do some active work - nervous system regulation, acceptance, meeting your basic needs. That's all that's required for now.

Thank you for your messages so far. I'm having a particularly bad few days since spending Christmas alone, something I didn't expect since we'd agreed just a few weeks back we'd spend it together for DC, but things didn't work out.

I know I shouldn't care what people think, I just don't know if I have the right perspective most of the time. People are acting as if it's a normal break up I should be getting over. But I had lifelong plans with this man, we've been together since we were 16, and this felt like it came out of nowhere. We still laughed and had fun, we had dates all the time and were romantic, I didn't see the cracks! One minute we were planning a holiday, the next I was single. I just don't know when I'm being "dramatic" or actually just feeling things I ought to be.