Positive stories of your autistic girls and women

[fruitfly3]

I have a wonderful 9 year old daughter who is autistic. She is mainstream educated, bright, creative and a lovely old soul. She adores soft toys, imaginary worlds, open ended play, magic, games and being outside. She couldn’t be less interested in clothes, popular culture (K Pop, 67 and all that), socialising, make up etc. As she gets older, the gap between her and her peers widens. Christmas is particularly hard - she doesn’t go to the parties and shuns the socials, asking to leave constantly. We generally create a happy world for her, but this is a balance as we also have a very outgoing child, and my husband and I want to have friends too. We don’t have grandparents and extended family to support us.

I worry so much for her - for what she’s been through, for what she’ll go through. For the loneliness that comes with feeling different. I’m rambling - I would love to hear about positive and proud stories of your autistic teenagers and young women. Posting here for traffic - apologies, SEN boards don’t get much traffic.

I am 34 AuDHD I had a tough time in school, with friendships especially. I remember when I was about 8, very clearly being in my bedroom and realising, and thinking "Oh, im not like other kids". Unfortunately at the time my home life wasn't great and I didnt get any help. I struggled right up until sometime last year when I finally understood myself. I am successfully raising 2 SEN children as a single parent.

My eldest is 13, she likes her own company, loves art, creating stuff, has a brilliant imagination, loves Greek mythology, cats, supernatural anything and books. She isnt a fan of social things and her social battery is small. Doesn't like school but after some very rough patches, does go to school.

I think what makes the most difference to a ND young person, and their "outcome" is understanding, having people around them to help and support them.

I watch my kids, I study them and their facial expressions and body language and this tells me a lot, so I can pre-empt triggers and changes and redirect earlier so they dont get burnt out. Puberty is rough, not gonna lie.

I know its easy to say, but deal with things as they come. Try not to worry about what might be. My daughter is dyslexic and couldn't read, I was sad because I love reading and books and I really wanted her to be able to enjoy that too. I really thought she wouldnt get to the point of enjoying books. But now she is a real bookworm and her Christmas list was pjs and books. We can worry about so much, and find out later that we never needed to worry.

The fact youre asking and that you care so much, thats all she needs. Understanding, care, love and acceptance, youre doing great 🥰

DD was diagnosed autistic at 15 - just over 4 years ago.

Secondary school was horrible. she struggled mostly with social side and anxiety/depression, as well as developing agoraphobia, leading to missing over a year of school and ending up being educated at home via the council’s outreach programme (specialist teachers coming to our house).

She got 4 GCSEs, went on to do art diploma at college and is now at University doing a Fine Art degree - if you had told me 4 years ago this would happen I’d have laughed at you. She now has a lovely group of friends who are completely accepting and supportive, a lovely boyfriend and is always out and about!

she still struggles from time to time, but is more self-aware of becoming overwhelmed or stressed so manages day to day life much better.

Let’s face it, being a teenage girl can suck anyway, but I think autism can exacerbate things. It can definitely get better though!

My 20yo is at uni and potentially getting a 1st in NatSci, after getting all A* at A Level. I was so worried about her "surviving" at uni - I knew she wouldn't struggle with the course but I didn't know how she would shop, cook, clean, socialise and make friends. She made no friends at college.

She's absolutely thriving, has more friends than she's ever had and is in so many clubs. It's like a different person. She has had some nasty comments about being different but every time, there's been someone standing up for her as well.

@daffodilandtulip thats so wonderful, her people were waiting for her at uni.

@fruitfly3 we went for a bigger secondary school, in the hope that DD1 would have a bigger pool of people in which to “find her tribe” and it worked well - she had a close little cohort of geeky friends, and they are all close today. The “tiny, nurturing village primary” was a nightmare. We lived opposite the school and I’d see her at break every day either mooching by herself or sitting on the “friendship bench” hoping that someone would come and talk to her. It didn’t help that the classes were mixed year groups, and she was learning with the 11 year olds when she was 8, so every year, until her peers caught up, her cohort left to go on to secondary.

I could have written this post myself. My DD10 is just as you describe. She is not officially diagnosed, but has many ASD traits. I also have another DD who is a social butterfly. It is a very difficult juggle because they are so different.

I also strongly suspect that I am ASD, although I have never sought a diagnosis. I have learned to mask a lot. And I have learned enough to have a long-term partner, lovely home, two DDs and a career. What you describe about your DD does not preclude her from having these things (or whatever her wishes in life are), although she may just take a little longer to find her people or hit her stride.

Not to scare you, but one of the things to keep an eye out for during the teen years with your DD is the possibility of PMDD, which is an extreme form of PMS. Many neurodivergent women suffer from this, so it is a good thing to read up on in advance of the teenage years, in case it appears for your DD (hopefully not).

Oh, and you also mention that your DD often wants to leave social occasions early. I have found that allowing my DD to take books with us everywhere we go helps to give us a little longer at parties and social gatherings.

@toomuchcrapeverywhere thats really interesting, thank you. A big secondary isn’t intuitively top of my list, but maybe widening the pool would help. There are 9 girls in her year at school and none that she relates to.

@Coffeealltheway thank you, I will look that up. I was an early started and suspect she will be too.

Yes this helps my daughter too, taking books to places

My daughter was diagnosed at 13, she’s now 15. We’ve had a tough few years just before diagnosis and afterwards but that was mainly down to mainstream school not being right for her. She is home educated now, aiming to sit maths and English GCSE and go to college to do hairdressing. She has a very small group of friends all autistic and attends 2 youth groups. She is funny and smart and after taking her out of school and getting through burnout it is amazing to see her become herself and develop her special interests. I’m a single parent and we have a lovely relationship…probably very different to other families of NT teenage girls but I’ve had to learn and adapt and I wouldn’t change her for the world!

My daughter is 19 and was diagnosed at 8. Primary school was not the best experience did well in secondary with the help of attending the ASN base. She has struggled massively with her mental health and anxiety but is at university and doing well. She has gone from someone who could not speak to a stranger to travelling around on buses and doing things independently. She plays in a band and is starting driving lessons. Life has not been easy for her but she is very determined and we are so proud of her.

Very proud Auntie here of an autistic 21yr old. School was horrendous, struggled through primary, secondary was a disaster. She has ADHD and learning difficulties as well and she just couldn't cope, leading to anxiety issues, sleep issues, meltdowns, running away from school etc. In Yr 10 she moved to a special unit who were far more understanding and things began to turn around. She didnt get any GCSE's but went to college who's SEN team were fantastic with her. She did things like bricklaying and woodwork and really found her niche. They helped to get her on a Stone Mason apprenticeship and it has been the making of her. The company she works for understand her ways and accept her as she is and she has flourished. She has finished her apprenticeship a year or so ago so is qualified, and they are training her now in more specialized things. Learning to drive is her next challenge. She has got some friends who have been around for years now and understand her and genuinely seem to care for each other.
Socially she likes to be included but can only cope for a while. All friends and family know her ways, so she just finds a way to disappear for an hour or so and rejoins. People just accept this as they are used to her and she either just sits in a different room or walks the dog for a bit. Sometimes she disappears with my DD or one friend as that's easier for her.
Something you said about the loneliness of feeling different really struck me. Just before Xmas she had a 'bit of a to do' and that is exactly what she was trying to say I think. She was going on about being lonely but couldn't express why as she has friends and family that love her but she was different and has to try so so hard to do things.
The main take away from our experience is that too long was spent trying to fit our square peg in a round hole and causing her a whole lot of trauma in the process. She is now very happily in her square hole and she is the kindest most caring soul and we are so proud of her. She has her ups and downs but she has a fantastic job she loves, good friends and things have turned out far far better than we could have hoped. If you would have told me she would be working full time and earning more than me I would never have believed you. She amazes me every day.