AIBU for wanting to grow our family?

[nervouslyparenting]

We’ve been together 14 years and have 3 kids together (youngest is 2). My husband is in his 3 months notice period before starting a new job - he supports us, is great around the house, is a fantastic dad, and I struggle to fault him. My only issue is that I don’t feel like our family is complete and I really want another baby. He isn’t in the same boat and doesn’t want another. Recently we’ve felt like housemates and a bit distant because of this. We don’t connect, are rarely intimate, and I feel like a baby is all I need. He has aspirations but says he’s “at capacity” and really can’t commit to another baby. AIBU to want to push for another?

How old are you? Do you have the money? Do you give enough time and attention to your existing children? What will your relationship with your husband look like in the future? Did you discuss how many children you each wanted before having kids? Are you interested in kids beyond the baby stage?

Of course YABU. A no vote always trumps a yes when it comes to making a baby.

As someone who also wanted one more. A baby is a big thing in a marriage and its in my opinion important both parents are wanting the baby ansld willing to love it and embrace all another child will bring to the family.

Could you afford councelling to work through your feelings of wanting another and find something that can support you to get through this?

YABVU to think about bringing another child into a relationship on the rocks. Come on..

Nobody ought to be having four children.

YABU
Enjoy what you have

Is this hormones talking? How old are you @nervouslyparenting

Your husband supports the family - do you work? Is he able to support a 4th geet?

YABU. It’s selfish of you.

YABVU. One half of the partnership not wanting a 4th baby should be the end of the notion. No child should be born not fully wanted by both parents.

Presumably by 'he supports us', you mean he brings the money into the house, and he's said he's at capacity with 3 children, but you think he should provide for a fourth child because your youngest is no longer a baby, so you want another. Do you have any intention of returning to work, or do you just want to stay at home having babies while he works himself into the ground to provide for you all?

YABVVU. Your husband is about to start a new job, you already have 3 children and he’s made it clear he can’t commit to a 4th. You’ve said yourself that he does loads round the house/ parents the existing 3 children. Why can’t you be happy with how things are?

I’d feel distant from someone who just wanted me to get them pregnant and had no respect for my feelings as well!

You sound horribly irresponsible and incredibly selfish. What good is another dependant going to do to a relationship that is struggling?

Your husband doesn't want another baby. That's the end of the story. You would be very very very unreasonable to try to talk him round if he is clear its a no.

If you are that desperate to have another baby and feel it is more important to you than your marriage, you are free to leave and either have IVF as a single person or try to meet someone else who does want a baby.

It sounds a bit unfair OP.

He has told you he is at capacity. While I appreciate it isn’t easy being at home with 3 kids, it is easier than what he’s doing.

Both people need to want another child. It’s as simple as that. He doesn’t, so there’s no debate.

What do you mean by “he supports us”. I thought you meant emotionally and psychologically. But maybe you mean financially? Do you have a job?

So your relationship isn't good at the moment & you want another baby?

Aside from financial, physical & emotional considerations you need to get your relationship back into the good zone before raising the subject of another child.

And I f one person says no then it's a no.

You are not wrong for wanting another. You can’t help that. You would be wrong to try and force him into a baby he doesn’t want though. Maybe think about the benefits of sticking at three, more money, more
time, more freedom etc.

He’s already said no.

If you want to have a bay even after this, your only options are to:

come off contraception and tell him

or come off and lie to him.

Not sure how you plan to have a baby when he’s refused.

Hes said no, have some respect for him and don’t push. Sounds like he’s fully supporting you financially, hope you’re grateful for that. Give him a break. No one needs more than 2 kids in my opinion, there’s a climate crisis

I think he is wise to be honest that 3 is his limit. Not everyone is cut out to parent 4 kids well. Accept it, grieve it and enjoy your life and moving forward in a positive way in your marriage.

I think the reason the relationship isn't good at the moment is because he won't give in to her and let her have another baby, so presumably it was okay before she started pushing for another child.