Who else has decided this will be the last Xmas with their husband / partner?

[OhFFSMum]

Just that really... I've said it the last couple of Xmas', but i really mean it this time. I simply can't do another xmas with him. We both know our relationship is done with, and we did have 'the chat' a couple of months ago, but for whatever reason (life) we muddled along and then before we knew it it was Xmas... But i can barely stand to look at his miserable face another second, his presence makes me feel anxious and unsettled, and I KNOW I need to get out of this marriage next year.... I just don't want to hurt my children (two under 8).

Anyone else in the same boat?

🙋🏼‍♀️

I’ve been kidding myself for far too long. BF wants all of the perks of being in a family unit but none of the actual commitment. I’ve finally had to admit it to myself - he doesn’t want me. He wants the ease, the appearance of a happy life - and he’s more than happy for me to stretch myself ridiculously thin to deliver it all, with bare minimum input from him.
I’m done.

I’ve said this to myself the last 4 or 5 years.
Im not sure I’ll ever break free.

This sounds like me... 20 years together, 12 years married, 2 kids under 8. When we are not arguing, or at the very least he is not screaming at me for not doing everything the way he wants it, I guess we muddle along for the kids. But I feel so sad and have lost all affection for him. Before we had kids we used to be the best of friends, always laughing together but I just don't recognise the man he has become since then. He gives off the impression he is a funny, successful, family man... but has become so grumpy, impatient and controlling at home.

I have had a very bad year of unemployment, and was rejected for jobs I was over qualified for, but he insisted I apply for anyway. I also found deleted messages on his phone with another woman just as I was made redundant and feeling very fragile. he insisted he had done nothing wrong and is a good man, and she was just a client he worked with... but could not explain why he deleted them. His anger when I tried to talk to him about her, to help me come terms with his actions, was horrendous, and he has never apologised.

i feel like he lost all respect for me when I struggled to find another job and I've never felt so ashamed as when I had to ask him for financial help for a couple of months before I finally got back to work.

i managed to lose 4 stone after the situation with the other woman and am feeling much better about myself and have tried to be more attractive for him. He has barely acknowledged my weight loss or complimented my appearance in years, yet complains about my lack of interest in being affectionate and having sex with him when he wants it.

The problem is that I am now in very financially weak situation as I have to pay off credit cards etc, so am trapped really. But he made the first half of Xmas day so miserable and blamed it on me not being happy enough, despite the fact I organised it all for the children and his family. The final straw was when he had shouted at me in front of people in the pub on Xmas Eve because I took longer than he wanted Xmas shopping (for his family members) and he wanted to eat lunch... after that I just couldn't find the energy to pretend I was happy on the day.

But I also don't know if I can break up my family and destroy my children's home for this. I know I should try harder to get things back on track but I can tell I have withdrawn from him and have even felt attraction to another man, although I did not act on it. What a mess!

Extricate yourself and have a few years on your own. You will be happier

You need to split up. He gives nothing. He should be your biggest supporter. Not dragging you down.

@lostinchaos your situation sounds quite similar to mine. Whilst my husband and I have always been very different people (he is quite quiet and sensible, me more outgoing and gregarious) we DID use to be good friends. But two children later and he is now just sullen, moody and aggressive near enough all the time. He has also shouted at me in front of friends when we were away on a break because I wasn't doing something at the speed he wanted me to, and pretty much spends all his time telling me how i do everything wrong or not to his standard. I suspect he is on the spectrum but he scoffs at any suggestion of this. I feel like I walk on eggshells around him and when he isn't in the house I feel physically lighter.

We've slept in separate beds for nearly two years and not been intimate in way over that time. Its a terrible example of a relationship to our lovely children.

I just cannot carry on doing it. But Im so very scared to do it at the same time.

This was me last year. It took until June for him to finally realise I was serious (despite having several chats in the last 18 months). It’s hard flying solo, unsurprisingly he’s immediately moved on and doesn’t have much time for the kids. Other than being exhausted it’s the best decision I’ve ever made.

Oh really? Yes i think that is partly the issue with us is that he doesn't seem to realise I am actually serious when I speak to him about separating. The last time we did he seemed to get that i meant it, and spent the next few days apologising and giving me weird awkward hugs. But it didnt last long as he's back to being his unpleasant self 90% of the time. I do feel like something has possibly shifted though and I wonder if there's another woman on the scene, but frankly I wouldn't care that much and actually couldn't really blame him in a way.

Do you mind me asking how you finally split? Did u have to stay living together? I think we would have to until the house sold. How did / have your kids taken it? Thats sad he doesn't take much interest in them.

I just feel like my happiness should not trump my children's happiness... so I need to try and make things work. they love their father and he has been less shouty and miserable with them in recent months. All his anger and frustrations are targeted at me now... he is never violent physically but his moods and impatience have broken me and I know I don't love him in the same way anymore and am merely going through the motions of marriage. I only sleep with him when I've had a few drinks and realise I can't get away with saying no again that month. To our friends and family though he is seen as a huge success in all areas of his life however, the perfect husband / father, and I'm sure they would have no idea how unhappy I feel in the marriage. I think only my mother suspects how I am feeling, but she stayed in an unhappy marriage until my father died, so I don't think would approve of me walking away.

This was me a few years ago and ending it was the best decision I ever made. My children have commented several times now that they are glad I did it as they could see it coming although they were teens when I made the decision.

This christmas was so lovely with my new partner and kids having the loveliest day together and I thank past me every day for being brave enough to finally do it.

I think all of you need to accept it will happen at some point - so start getting your ducks in a row now. It can do no harm, and may be a life saver when the shit does hit the fan and the husband who you thought was a reasonable human being turns mean, greedy and vindictive.