To ask what the line is between friends with benefits, and a relationship?

[BoxOfCats]

Curious to know what others think the distinction is exactly. I’ve been seeing someone for several months who says he doesn’t want a relationship, however otherwise appears to behave like we are in one (and neither of us are seeing anyone else).

What defines one versus the other?

Exclusivity. And commitment. If they are telling you they don't want a relationship then they are leaving their options open to find someone else, or end what you have with no repercussions whenever they feel like it.

To me the whole FWB thing is really just “you’ll do until something better comes along”. That’s fine if you both feel that way, but in reality it’s rarely equal. I wouldn’t be happy being someone’s stop gap or using somebody else that way. If you’re starting to question your situation, doesn’t that indicate that maybe it’s not working for you?

FWB
no commitment
texts when either party is at a loose end and wants a date (and etc...)
no expectation of exclusivity
no future other than a near term expectation of getting together if you're both free

it's a bit like a zero-hours contract really.🤔

Relationship
both parties want to be exclusive
expressions of commitment
there is a future together because that's what both parties want

full contract, both parties are clear and there's going to be a notice period if you want to move away from the relationship (well, of sorts, you'd need more of a conversation and it would lead to a degree of "oh what have I done??? )

The biggest problem I see on here is the blurring of boundaries between FWB and a fully fledged relationship, where a FWB morphs into a full
relationship but only one side believes that and doesn't state their expectation clearly enough (possibly for fear of sending the other person running for the hills),

FWB depends on what you discussed when you first started the benefit side. Some are like a relationship do everything except plan a future involving each other. Some do this as either too busy for one, don't want commitment yet or still waiting to find the right person. Others are more one sided normally due to one having feelings and basically hoping for more while the other person just strings them along.
The line is where ever you both agreed !

He didn't cheat, you knew from the beginning that he "did not want a full relationship" and you went along with it for four years. You need to have some agency, if you didn't want an FWB situation why stick with it for four years

Yup this, thats what I would be thinking if I had a FWB, fine until I find someone I really want to be with.

If I tell someone I want a FWB situation with him, that’s what differentiates it from any other relationship. With good communication, mutual respect and both people knowing exactly where they stand, they can work very well IME.

Respect is the difference. If they respect you it is a relationship and if the don’t you are a booty call. Respect yourself, you do not need someone in your life who does not respect you.

I have several men that I am close to and we speak about these things. One of the main differences in how I see men approach relationships is that they dont see relationships that have a ceiling as a waste of time. They seem to acknowledge that there are people out there that they would be suited to for a good time, but not a long time. For the most part, they are upfront about that as they make it clear that the relationship isnt one of life partners. They may even say why that is the case.

This doesnt stop them being able to enjoy all the aspects of companionship and intimacy with the person which is different, broadly, to women. Maybe because we are trying to keep our "body count" low so every sex partner that doesnt end up a life partner feels like a dirty waste of time.

The truth is that these men in my life wouldnt have half of the relationships that they do have if women took them at their word and didnt think things would change over time. The men see this conversation about FWBs as a mature way to be transparent about their intentions and offer informed consent. If you say yes and then struggle to keep things within those parameters, then it seems like you are the one gaslighting.

You may well need to have your own boundaries around what you do with FWBs. So if things like dinner dates make things too muddled for you, say that you arent okay with it in a casual relationship. You dont have to give him everythimg he wants.

PollyPlum - things change - we both said FWB at the start and that was clear on both sides. Then he became more involved not me - turning up at my place fixing things staying over.
TBh i stuck to the weekends that we had agreed on.
He wanted the holidays, weekends away
The changes were driven by him and his commitment to me changed dramatically. he even described us as not being FWB anymore but more.

I was wary because of previous long term relationship. He was the one pushing for me to stay over more, we had just had a weeks holiday away organised by him completely. Whilst away I asked where this was going as it was def not what we had agreed at the start and he basically said I think it is evolving into more - are you ok with that and I said yes I think so lets see how it goes. WE had even planned our Easter holiday and a weekend away in February.

He was psuhing for more on the surface but not obviously meaning it. January was a big shock for me as did not see it coming at all.

This, it basically means they can go around shagging whoever they like and owe you nothing.

OP, it sounds like you might be in a 'situationship'.

A situationship is more than FWB, as it often involves romantically-coded activities that go beyond mere friendship. Eg, he might give you flowers, take you to fancy restaurants, even introduce you to his friends and family. And there's usually a lot of emotional intimacy, etc.

But a situationship falls short of a relationship, in the sense that there's no exclusivity and commitment, and you're free to see other people if you want.

I've been in a situationship before, and had friends who have also been in them. My experience has been that one person always wants more - ie, a proper relationship.

If you've developed feelings for the other person, my advice would be to get out, now. Because when they inevitably find someone else, you're in for a LOT of heartbreak and questioning 'why not me?'. It can do a real number on your head if you're not careful.

But you can do exactly the same. That’s the whole point.

(In fact, most FWB set ups, certainly mine back in the day, were sexually-exclusive — if you started sleeping with someone else, you no longer slept with your FWB.)