To seek advice to help 5yo find her voice outside home

[itsmehere1]

Hi all,

My 5yo is very quiet in social settings. Even with close friends, she won’t add her own thoughts and would much rather go with their ideas even if she’d come home and say she wanted to do something different. If someone asks what she likes or wants, she often won’t answer at all unless they spell out examples or choices. She also won’t approach her teacher for help when she really needs it.

She’s not disruptive or unhappy, just very internal and observant, but I worry about her confidence and ability to advocate for herself. At home she is perfectly fine and expresses strong preferences.

I’m not looking to “change her personality,” just practical ways to support her socially and help her feel comfortable speaking up. Has anyone experienced something similar? What actually helped?

Thanks in advance!

Patience - mine was 10 before she asked a teacher for help .

some kids find it really hard.

we always praised any efforts at interaction but never forced them or put her on the spot.

mine has considerable special needs and do we went with gentle encouragement, modelling and praise when it happened.

I love your approach of gentle encouragement and modelling. It’s very hard when I can see her withholding herself for no reason when she can have the best time. I’m glad it worked it out for you eventually.

I was SO shy growing up, exactly the same as your DD. My parents tried everything, but it didn’t ever work. Something clicked when I was about 11 and I wasn’t shy anymore, not sure what changed. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, just keep letting her know that she’s brilliant and reassure her it’s okay for her to speak up if she doesn’t like something!

Definitely model the behaviour you'd like her to copy. Do that as often as you can

Do you think she may be struggling with a form of selective mutism? If so it’s a social anxiety disorder, can be overcome with the right help. My son has it and is completely mute at school but in other environments thrives. Have a look on instagram, or at the selective mutism association to see if you think it fits. It is different to being shy and lots of kids overcome it.

My 5 y old dd has situational mutism (also ASD and ADHD). She’s never spoken outside of the house. It’s as if she just shuts down. We are waiting for SALT appointments

You could always consider self referring to Speech and Language Therapy. They will assess, provide advice and guidance and will also then link in with the school as support. We have gone down this route and it was very supportive for our daughter whom has selective mutism.

My DD (and my dear niece) were very reluctant to do so but have both found their way. I was very concerned a few years ago about DD and saw the same traits in DN. Both girls are still under 10 but have grown in confidence in the past few years. We didn't do anything specific other than gently encourage them to speak and advocate for themselves. Eg asking DD to talk to the waiter for the food she wanted when we occasionally ate out, talking through examples at school and how to respond etc. DD will still default to observing before talking (no bad thing) and prefers smaller groups or 1 2 1 social interactions but I have more confidence now she's capable of holding her own when she wants to.