Family breakdown - do I just accept it?

[AnonymousAnnie55]

I reckon there could be relatives of mine who read on here but I’m keen for some advice so decided just to post…

My parents split when I was 4, dad remarried when I was 5, he’d been cheating on mum, it was never made much of a thing, dad has always been with my stepmum. I have three older brothers. Mum was with my stepdad for most of my childhood but they split when I was early 20’s. I’m now late 30’s.

Growing up, my parents were civil, dad always wanted to show off his money, while mum had very little, I was never very close to my dad. Mum did everything she could for us and to give us a good childhood. When grandchildren came along, my parents would at times be together at events, mum and stepmum would be friendly - not besties, but civil.

Almost two years ago, I had a gathering with my two kids - jointly for their birthdays, and for my partners family to join us, and my brothers, dad stepmum, mum and her new partner. Dad has moved 5hours away, so he made a trip to ours, got a hotel and came to the gathering. He then left early and text saying “if I’d known your mum was going - I wouldn’t have come along”.. I challenged this and said of course she’d be coming, she’s their Nannie etc. he then replied something childish like “and I am no one”. At this point I spoke to one of my brothers and he then called dad to clarify what the problem was and why he was giving me grief. This is the very strange part, so during their discussion, dad then tells brother, he has thought that our other sibling is not his, and that mum cheated (40 years ago) and that he wants to write to mum and get a dna test done.

Brother then told me all of this and our other brother and he decided to tell our mum. It was all kept quiet from the brother who was in question of being my dads. Also to note, mum vehemently denied this from my dad and it was all thought that dad is doing this because of his unhappiness seeing my mum happy with her partner. The partner is also someone dad knew of from school years…

Fast forward to almost two years now, mum has told my brother, and it was of course upsetting him thinking there is a possibility he is not my dad’s son. She wanted to tell him, to ensure he didn’t find out through anyone else, as times is going by etc. Nobody has pushed forward with having dna test. Mum still denies there is any possibility of him being anyone else’s but has had to explain that yes at 18/19 when with my dad, she had had a fling which was nothing and a mistake.

I did speak to dad soon after this was shared, and I’d suggested to him that he should speak to a counsellor - which he didn’t like and took offence at this suggestion. I also said he’s gone the wrong way about doing this, if he honestly thought this was the case, he needn’t have done this through his children, and could have kept us out of it and spoken to our mum.

I have tried to reach out to my dad over a year ago, to be told that too much hate has been said from me and brother and he didn’t wish to try to talk.

any thoughts, do I just accept this and accept we are now no contact. Two of my brothers barely speak to me or want to know anything about me/my life, this may be through their own stuff they have going on, with kids/family, one is recently divorced. I’m close to eldest brother. He also hasn’t spoken to dad. Stepmum texts his wife though, pleading about how upset dad is.

I have told my children as they are teens and old enough to understand, as we’d normally see their granddad 1-2 times per year, but speak on the phone/FaceTime every so often. They have not have any updates about my children and how they’re doing, GCSE’s etc, nothing. My dad deleted me from Facebook, so I deleted my stepmum - as if dad wants to delete me, he wouldn’t be seeing my social media through hers.

It feels like all our family relationships are just going down the pan.

I think I know the answers, if my dad cared for me he’d make the effort, but he has issue with my mum and me having a close/better relationship with my mum.

Aibu - just get on as you are and leave everyone to it?

Ainbu - you have a right to be upset, here’s some suggestions of what to do/try?

sorry for huge long post…

If Dad actually believed that and wanted a DNA test, Dad should have asked the brother. Instead all he did was lob the grenade into the rest of them.

He was told in April this year. The party was April last year.

Oh sorry, that wasn't clear to me. And it's blown up now?

No, I’m just asking now. Just been a long time now, and I guess being Christmas time, not hearing anything from my dad, no card for my children from him. I wasn’t expecting it tbh.

when I reached out before Xmas last year, I had just experienced my neighbours adult son dying from a sudden heart attack. And it was awful, it put everything into perspective. I messaged my dad and said ‘it shouldn’t be like this, please let’s find a way to resolve things’… and he talked a long a bit via message then said no… that still hurts.

You don't really have a choice I'm afraid - you have to accept your dad's NC. On the upside he sounds unpleasant and so he isn't a huge loss. Focus on the good relationships you do have.

It sounds like your dad is an immature twat having tantrums. He was annoyed to see your mum happy so decided to take it out on everyone. My Dad is the same I was very LC until he rang me at 3am, drunkenly screaming that my mum is a slut and I am not his child. I am, I look exactly like him, he just felt like lashing out.
NC for many years now, good riddance.
Just leave him be, you can't change a grown man's shit attitude.

Sorry to hear you’ve had similar experiences. I know that is the view I need to take, just hurts at times.

I think about if I were to ever get married, he wouldn’t be there - but then remind myself he’s done naff all to get to know my partner and his children, unlike my partners dad and stepmum who always send cards and ask after my children. Sorry waffling about random things. And I also need to remind myself, it hasn’t been much different, it was always limited contact anyway, so it’s not like a major major change. Just need to feel confident in my decision making about things and how I move forward, as it feels very unresolved and unknown.

Your dad definitely cheated with your stepmother. Your mother remarried when you were a child to your step dad who she's now divorced from and during this your father managed to be civil {which is good of him considering he was a cheat }
It is only now decades after her divorce from your dad and years after her divorce from your step dad that this has suddenly occurred to him? It seems that he might be rattled by the boyfriend she currently has because he knows him himself. is the current partner, {The one from school }The one that your dad suspects is your brother's biological father? or the One she saw when she was 18/19?

if it was me, I would suggest your father and brother do get a DNA test. However if there's a remotest chance that he is not his biological father your mother needs tell your brother beforehand.

No, her now partner is just someone they’d have both known from school. Mum never remarried, I call him my stepdad as he was that role in my life.

I too feel like a dna test should just happen. But they aren’t speaking about it at all and it’s just being left.

Of course he knew she was going to be there; why would she not be at a family party? I think he’s lying and he’s using your mum as an excuse to hide the fact that his nose is out of joint. You can’t do anything to stop him behaving like a giant baby. All you can do is decide how much of his nonsense you’re prepared to tolerate. Perhaps your older brother could drop into conversation with him that you’re totally confused by his decision to just throw his children away and you’re quite sad it has come to this, and that you’d be willing to discuss it when he feels ready to? But I think you’d be a fool to apologise; it only enforces a belief that they’re the victim.

This

What a selfish, entitled arsewipe. I personally wouldn’t want a relationship with such an immature twat. However, your mother could clear this whole thing up by taking a DNA test. That would silence your Dad and rob him of his victimhood.

The only person who should decide to take a DNA test is the brother whose parentage is being questioned but it sounds like he has enough going on.

You also said you are confident your dad is lying about this so really the question is why has your dad decided to uproot all your lives with this grenade that is probably a lie? Why has he done this now many many years after supposedly knowing this about your brother?

Either he has cognitive mental decline and doesn't know what he is saying or doing (his comments about your mother being at the party make no sense- of course she would be there)

Or he is a nasty piece of work who doesn't care about his children, in which case I would be the one cutting contact with him and doing my best to protect my family against this toxic waste of space.

I’m not sure why your brothers are ignoring you. Your dad has gone no contact so you do the same with him. Don’t give in when he says he’s ill etc. It’s not your fault your parents cheated on each other.