AIBU: quietly 'shedding' some friends

[YerMaw16608]

I'm one of a small group of women (50's to 70's) who used to work together. We kept up afterwards. For the last few years I find I don't want to meet in a group any more. One at a time is fine, they are all nice people.

In the group meet-ups, I feel like an outsider, and would rather meet them as individuals, where it's one-to-one and more 'equal'. By this I mean that I feel I have nothing to share with the group as their lifestyles are so different from mine. One has a tick-off list of World Heritage Sites to visit, more than one house, and a collection of bottles of spirits from every distillery in the UK. Another has a large collection of £300-£400 handbags. One more spends months away visiting family all over the globe. They have all worked hard, married well and done all the right things: they deserve every penny they have.

For myself, I am getting by on my OAP and two work ones which add on another £300 p/m. I live in a Council House, rarely have holidays (except short ones in the UK), and haven't much in the way of savings. All of which is my own responsibility, and no-one else's. In fact, I think I'm pretty fortunate to be so well-off when others are homeless and starving. So please don't think I am sulking because I'm jealous: I'm content with my life, I just hate these catch-ups where three of the others are - frankly - bragging about their wealthy lifestyles.

I don't know if I am being envious / snobby / or just need to stop seeing them as a group. I get on fine with them one at a time, and one of them is a very good friend...

If meeting up with them in a group is causing you to feel bad, then perhaps stop the group meet ups. I think it’s a rather trivial reason to remove them as friends. Seems like jealousy to me.

Quite tone deaf of the three. I hate company that revolves talking around what people have or have done. It’s v c.2010 Facebook chat. I’d rather talk about feelings, anrt, observations and life’s idiosyncrasies.

If it'd make you happier then why not? It sounds like they start competitive bragging in a group but not 1-1, maybe they don't feel the need to compete with you.

If you meet 1-1 will you've asked why you're it coming to the group meet? Have an excuse ready.

You don't have to fall out with people to realise you don't really have much in common any more and you think you would be happier putting that energy into different relationships. It's OK to realise that and do something about it, just one of those things.

You could just say you find group meets overwhelming without zooming in on the parts you dont like. As we get older some people find it more difficult to hear chatter, find certain settings loud or uncomfortable or find it hard to concentrate on things that are not interesting. Just say that you like one on one.

I don't like big group meet-ups, so never get involved with them.

As far as meeting up 1-1 - it's also not compulsory if you feel the individual friendship has run it's natural course.

Do what suits you.

Some people need to tell others what they have and how much.
Its dull, tedious and a tad vulgar.
I have zero interest in listening to such tedium.
I would do as the OP has suggested, avoid large meet ups and retain the individual friendships that bring her joy.

I can kind of relate. I’m mid 30s and my friendship group has changed a lot over the years since husbands, kids etc have come along. In our 20s we’d meet up weekly, if not more than once a week, and always had fun stories and gossip to cha about. Now we tend to meet about once every two months and there’s no fun chat or gossip anymore, it’s more like we just take it in turns to say what we’ve been up to. They’re all far wealthier than me, and though don’t necessarily purposely brag, it’s very much like “we had a fabulous time in South Africa on safari th other week…” or “we went to an amazing spa last weekend, it felt very luxurious and was only £300 each for the day, could definitely recommend!” An I’m just sat there geeing a bit…meh.

I don’t blame you.

Couldn’t you just meet up with the one that’s a very good friend of yours?

I have far less money than some of my friends (think racehorses, yachts) and far more than others. I can’t say there’s any relationship whatsoever between how much money they have and how rich and interesting their lives are to hear about. One of them is single, childfree, living in a tiny house on earnings from being a PT yoga teacher as she’s recovering from a serious illness, and she’s one of the most interesting people I know. She has a gift for friendship, is always off doing something interesting with a different bunch of people, volunteering, sea swimming, suggesting things to do (often free). Every time I see her, I think ‘There is someone living her best life.’

I feel the same as you. I too have friends with various different life situations but I value all of them because of who they are and I don’t spend a second thinking that they are trying to make me feel inferior or that they think I’m bragging. I spend, to some, absurd amounts of money on certain things but next to nothing on others. My friends have different priorities and I’m totally fine with that and don’t feel like I need to keep up or anything. They go might go on fabulous holidays but I will be able to retire in 5 years.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. It's given me food for thought. I realise that maybe I am jealous - not of the holidays and handbags, but of the 'not having to worry about money' aspect. Whatever the cause, I just don't feel that I have anything to offer them any more since my own life (which I love) is very small and quiet and unremarkable compared to theirs. Just want to do my own thing, as (no doubt) they do, too.

How do you have a catch up with friends if you can’t talk about what you’ve all done recently?

I'm in exactly the same situation as you. They are lovely ex work colleagues, but I always feel the odd one out. I used to spend ages stressing after each meet up, worrying I'd talked too much or not enough. I have quite a "small" life compared to them. I love my garden, pets and being with my OH. I finally decided to gradually step away. I suspect they still meet up but there is hardly anything in the group chat now. And I'm absolutely fine with that. Do what feels right for you.

In the last couple of years, I've become more adept at shedding those who bring no joy to my life. It can be quite liberating!

One to one sounds like a sensible solution- a wise resolution for the 2026.

I was going to ask this. Are they actually bragging, or simply telling you about aspects of their lives that you can’t realistically achieve in the same way? I have very wealthy friends but am a single mum and live in rented accommodation. I’ll probably never own my own home. When I meet with my friends we talk about the holidays, the houses, and the minutiae of our lives, because that’s what friends do, not because they’re seeking to make me feel
inferior.

Thanks again. One of them is definitely bragging, another possibly so, the third just pleased with her life (as I said, deservedly so). The format of our meetings is that we meet in a place where they can easily park, I have no car and have a walk from the bus stop): fair enough. Then the dodgy ones tell all their news. After a while, they notice that another one and me have not contributed, so we ware tactfully (patronisingly?) questioned on our little lives. Then it's time to go, with the car-owners lingering in the car park to talk more. I feel like a charity case at times. The other person whom I get on with feels just the same as me, although I think she is nicer than me and makes an effort to keep in touch. I just like to sit in my corner and grumble. I think I've got all this off my chest now! Thank you for listening and commenting. I've learnt a bit about myself in the process...

I have found that a group of ex colleagues and I no longer have much in common because we are all retired. We used to have really fun get togethers but over the last few years, the chat has been rehashing the past. I also became someone I didn't like when meeting up with them. Not authentic.
This year I didn't go and didn't miss it

Give yourself permission to do what feels right for you. Perhaps ask to meet 1:1 with the person you get along well with, let the others drift. This frees up headspace to reconnect with others who you might care about but have lost regular contact with and or get out there to make some new friendships. Volunteering and special interest groups such as book groups, or outdoor swimming groups, can be great for finding your tribe.