Annoyed by dh family

[Lurkingforalaugh]

So my dh has been out of work for 2 years due to a severe leg problem and has recently had surgery to correct it, I am the provider for everything, to keep up ‘appearances’ I have still purchased all of his families Xmas gifts, 4 siblings, parents and grandparents, at the usual expense he would spend, they are all very aware that he has nothing coming in and that I am the sole worker and provider atm, I then receive what can only be described as a last minute shop run £5 soap set as a Xmas gift, there were no direct thank yous, acknowledgements of the effort I had put in for them, I was an afterthought to even be offered a drink when we visited on Xmas day, to say that I am extremely annoyed by this is an understatement. Am I being unreasonable to raise this with him without it causing a massive argument?

So you bought gifts you cant afford but this is their fault as you had to " keep up appearances?
Yabvvu

Stop keeping up appearances. Your dh can just tell his family they won’t be getting gifts

I would but I have strong boundaries about how I am treated by people.

Why do you feel like you need to keep up appearances?

Following with interest, having also sent in-laws some very lovely presents to 9 different people and have not had it acknowledged,or a single thankyou from any of the 9 people.
Nor anything in return to their grandchildren,my children.

For a start resolve to stop buying them gifts and let them know in the New year. It's madness buying presents that you can't afford. The fact they spent all of £5 tells you all you need to know.

Voted you are being unreasonable for carrying on as normal buying things you can't afford. They are all adults so you could have had a conversation stating that due to the situation you/DH are in, you will not be buying gifts this year and do not expect any in return..

Keeping up appearances was your (bizarre) decision. You can’t control how other people behave. Why you think this is your DH’s issue is puzzling, though. If you’re ’keeping up appearances’ and pretending their presents come from him, what are you expecting him to do — stand up on Christmas Day and ruin the elaborate pretence by making a speech about how he’s penniless and you bought all the presents?

The behaviour of his family isn’t his direct responsibility.

It’s understandable you feel resentful against them but they would be the same even if your DH’s earnings had bought their gifts.

Be realistic, work as a team with your DH as in ‘how do we together manage our household on reduced money’ , don’t do stuff you can’t afford, don’t give gifts or time that you see as transactional.

I hope your DH’s surgery goes well and is successful.

I would imagine that they see you as having a shared household finance rather than you being the one to pay for everything. They also might have assumed your DH was the one who bought the gifts.

There is no need to keep up appearances, especially if it’s causing you financial detriment. Just stop buying for them and explain it’s not longer affordable.

Very good advice from the last few posters
Advice I need to follow
This his saved me starting my own thread

Sounds like you shpt yourself in the foot, they know he isn’t working but spent money they knew you didn’t have, you are annoyed as you didn’t use your brain.

What happened last year? What did they get him?
It's a difficult subject to raise, what is the likelyhood of him being able to contribute next year? Sorry lots of questions, but relevant. I presume he is the one insisting on keeping up appearances, and getting ratty when you point out the obvious.
The sensible thing would be to let the family know in advance of next Christmas, something like a WhatsApp message 'as you all know Bob's been out of work for three years now and we have to be really carefull with our budgeting, so we will be giving token gifts only this year'
Personally I would then re gift the £5 soap set.
Alternatively start shopping for bargains for next year now if you can, or throughout the year ie summer sales.
Hopefully dh will realise that keeping up appearances is not sustainable.

Sorry I wanted to add, I hope your husband addresses their rudeness towards you, but I think you may be fighting a losing battle here.

Could you have an agreement with the relatives to stop doing adult presents next year? Would that be possible? That way there is no expense and no hassle.

If your efforts aren't appreciated then stop wasting your time, energy and money on them. If they know the situation I don't know why you would want to present a facade and 'keep up appearances' - it's fake and everyone knows it. So don't extend yourself financially when you can't afford to and don't put yourself out for people who don't reciprocate.

You say they know about your situation but that you bought the presents to 'keep up appearances'. Appearances for whom? They already know he's out of work. They were very rude to buy you such a cheap present but spending money you can't afford is on you. I would send a message today saying that moving forwards you would like to bow out of buying presents for adults and dont expect anything either

Op the previous responses sound harsh and you have wanted to keep up appearances but also give everyone a nice Xmas.

However you should have said ,sorry everyone as you know blah is currently out of work and as you can understand we are short of money this year so I propose a 10 secret Santa

Or something like that .

Op I hate to say it but if a relationship breaks down it's very rare the family stay in touch with ex and usually drop them like a hot stone

Many of us women seem to seamlessly fall into the role of present giver and organiser. No one cares or thanks us. Next year you know what to do. Remember it's not personal.

You cannot make people do the right thing but you can match their energy. Buy the same kind of things back. What can they say?! If they complain just say finances are strapped since husband left his job. Also, did you buy me something similar last Christmas?! 🤔

There’s not much point raising it with your husband. He can’t control his family and it won’t help or change anything to make him feel bad about it. Just match their energy next year. Give token gifts or none at all. Lose the idea that you have to keep up appearances. You don’t.

Why are you buying these presents when you can't afford them, why do you feel like you have to keep up appearances?
Do the same as them, buy them a token present next year. If they say anything then remind them of your circumstances

@Lurkingforalaugh you say you are buying these gifts "at the usual expense he would spend" but don't say whether this is affordable or not.

If you can afford it, and it is what he has always done, then I'd keep doing it, unless you're implying that they have no gratitude over the gifts?

If you can't afford it, then don't. Gift what you can afford.

I put you are being unreasonable because of the ' keeping up appearances'. Very silly.

Meh… I gave up being responsible for my Inlaws presents. Not because of the cost but purely because of the mental load. And I actually like my in-laws a lot! Your husband isn’t working so clearly has more time on his hands to select presents even if you bank roll them. Did he pick the presents?

it sounds like you don’t have a great relationship with them anyway so why not just step back?

As an update it isn’t that it was unaffordable on my behalf, it’s the lack of gratitude and reciprocation, they are a family that tot up the credit card bills over Christmas for the sake of buying shit they can’t afford yet I have brought a ‘nice’ present for each and as dh usually buys them a shit ton of shit it’s very obvious that I have sorted this year, I couldn’t let dh sort as he doesn’t have the funds so I have purchased on his behalf as he wanted Christmas to be as normal as possible, I feel like I just shouldn’t have bothered and let him try and explain tbh