Rude 5 years old l. at my wits end!

[RealReginaPhalange]

How do you deal with rude 5 year old boy? I am just fed up. He CAN be polite and usually knows whats rude but its been going on for so long. He has many good moments but i would say same amount of bad moments. While some things are normal at his age i dont think i am asking for too much to for example say “good morning“ to someone we know while walking to school. Its his birthday, i had a conversation with him how to be polite and say thank you when people call to wish him happy birthday. His grandmom just called and he got upset because she asked how is he feeling, if he is still coughing (been pretty ill whole week), didnt want her to sing happy birthday, didnt want her to wish him anything, just covered his face and didnt engage. It was same last year so its not a new behaviour.

its usually like that when a family member call me and want to say at least “hi” to him (no family nearby so contact via phone is often, but i never push him to sit in fromt of the phone and talk, small steps, like hello, rather than asking for too much and he sometimes on a good day is fine but i have to have endless conversations about manners)

there is always something every day, i could go on and on but i am just upset that i spoke to him about it and he was so bluntly rude to my mom and i snapped (after we ended the call). Now i feel guilty for snapping on his birthday but so angry i cant find the way to change it. Conversations, taking privileges away like tv (although he doesnt watch much), good behaviour reward chart, you name it…

what do i do now?

when everyone is doing their own thing he asks for help....

At the risk of being accused of being an armchair psychologist, all your posts come across as you having extremely high expectations of a young child. He sounds like he is out of his comfort zone sometimes and is seeking attention and reassurance when he feels ignored.

Encouraging children to take the next step is good, but if they aren't ready, then they aren't ready.

I might’ve high expectations and will need to look at myself again and reevaluate my approach, not sure if they are so extreme but good to listen to other people sometimes so thank you.

i would like to stress one thing - he is not ignored, as a person who grew up in 90s when parents had different approach, went through depression, years of therapy and antidepressants, it’s extremely important to me to do not make him feel ignored, to validate his emotions and feelings.

I eco other posters, I think you have too high expectations for a child his age. Easy to do with an eldest child when you have younger ones too, but remind yourself that just turned 5 really is still a young child!
Do his teachers have any concerns about his behaviour at school?

He's not being rude he's being shy - and shyness is never improved by attention on the shyness or long lectures. You have to be patient until he grows out of it.
It seems like you are taking on board the almost universal advice that your expectations are too high for a 5-year-old (eg saying "Good morning" to people on a walk for goodness sake), so I won't labour that point. But just to add, while your mum and other relatives might dearly love phone conversations with their little prince, perhaps their expectations are too high too.
Just on the issue of him shouting, with mine, if they started like that I generally just looked puzzled and said something mild like "Try asking nicely and you'll get a nicer answer". Good luck.

Based on your recent post I think you're focusing on the wrong behaviour.

The rudeness in the home to immediate family needs zero tolerance.

The shyness/refusal to be social with those outside the home? I'd give that more of a break while you tackle the basics at home.

If you have low expectations of how he treats you, how can you expect to uphold high expectations of how he treats people less central to his life?

He is five! That's very young. If he doesn't want to say good morning don't make him
Today he is ill and it's his birthday obviously he doesn't feel sociable.
The more you push him to socialise the worse it will be for him.
All you should do is model good behaviour. So you and the people around you should behave in a polite and kind way towards other people. And let him be himself

My child (ASD) will often ignore me and the people closest to him too. In an old school way this might seem 'rude' where the old 'speak when you are spoken to' might be thrown around but because I know this is not him being rude then we approach it accordingly. If I've asked him a question and I get no answer, I'll ask if he wants me to make a decision for him, I night get some feedback then, or give him two options rather than an open question etc. I don't particularly like the label 'shy', so I will tell people that he's not chatty today, or I'll say to him 'are we not speaking today?' Etc. When you child is situational mute you learn ways to deal with it. My son is 11! Your son is 5 and so young, I think you need to scale back your expectations of him.

I teach 5 years old and don't think your expectations are too high. My youngest is 3 and I don't accept her shouting at me demanding things. I calmly say 'let's ask using a respectful voice' and she does it again this time with 'please can I have...'. I won't give her what she is demanding or help her if she is shouting demands at me. I am well aware of developmental limitations and don't think it's unreasonable to expect a five year old to adjust his tone and words. Children often come to my class speaking in that way and quickly learn that it doesn't get them anywhere. I am patient, calm and respectful but expect more than "zip my boots up!"

“the tone and shouting i can no longer deal with and i find myself snapping more”

So you are using a tone to him that would be unacceptable were he to use it back to you. If he shouts, tell him you can’t hear him when he uses that voice. If he wants you to do something, he’ll soon learn he has to say please and ask in a nice voice.