Unsure what to do about my mum - feel like she needs to move

[LostieLucy]

My mum is a wonderful woman, she’s now in her early 80s and she is now struggling with her physical health, she has arthritis and often times struggles with walking distances or stairs.
30 years ago my father died, my mum packed up her life and moved to central London, small flat but perfectly suitable for her. She loves it there, mansion blocks above shops, always some hustle and bustle about. When she was younger she was seldom home, a lovely social life, lots of time at museums etc. and she grew quite fond of going to church.
Now many of her friends have gone into care homes or moved to be close to family, she still has some she calls or writes to but she is hardly socially active.
We opted to hire her a cleaner who goes twice a week and she has got the hang of ordering shopping online.
Her building however has no lift, she’s on the first floor and can just about manage the stairs but I fear it’s only a matter of time until she can’t or has a fall. We are also quite far away, down in Sussex, my brother even further up in the Lake District.
A little over a year ago the most wonderful couple moved in across from her, one of them works from home and is always happy to help but I feel bad for them, the woman is maybe only 25, anytime my mum needs help with something she calls on her, be it getting her little shopping trolley up the stairs, taking out rubbish etc.
She’s not willing to cook anymore, I think she worries as she can’t forget she’s put something in the oven. I order her meals from a company who deliver meals that can just be put in the microwave and she is quite happy with that.
She busies herself most of the day with reading, knitting or watching the news.

Here is the issue this week her lovely neighbours are going home. My mum called me last night in quite the tizzy, upset, how will she get her rubbish down, she doesn’t like doing the stairs too much, how will she get her shopping trolley up, what if there is some sort of emergency (in the past she has called on them when she had a leak from the flat above for example). Considering they have only been there a year she seems to have entirely forgotten how to live without them. Not only do I think this is unfair on her neighbours (they never accept money but my mum does get them gifts from time to time and got them a larger gift at Christmas), but also just no way to live. She doesn’t need to be housebound.
I’ve asked her to consider selling but it’s always met with pure refusal, I’m not suggesting she has to leave London or even central London but maybe finding a ground floor property or somewhere with a lift, she refuses. It’s gotten to the stage where she only leaves the house maybe 2 times a week, once for mass and another time to do some shopping (she likes to go out to buy fruit and veg, bread etc.) but even with shopping she’s started asking the neighbours to pick her up some bits.
She seems rather adamant that she will die in the flat. I have asked about what she will do when the stairs are beyond her, she has told me deliveries and if she ever needs it carers in the home (she has lots of money put away so would be able to afford it).

AIBU to think she really needs to think pragmatically, she could have 20 years left! This is now way to live! Or do I need to respect that she is happy as she is and leave her to it, even if it means I spend every day fearing she’s fallen down the stairs?

Yes daily care/companion/shopping/domestic help visits
Age uk have donestic helper visits you pay for they do everything except personal care
About 20 to 25 per hour
Once she needs personal care it s a different care agency you need she can have both

In a similar situation although there is two of them and I live closer so all the fun day stuff falls to us at a mere hour away. I wish there was some sort of elderly relative exchange scheme - I would be happy to get in some shopping and check post for non related elderies who lived on the same street, but the minimum 2 hour drive to do it is less than ideal.

So down to brass tacks. She isn’t going to move home until she is forced to, plus it gets to a stage where you can see that the move will only be a short term stop gap until a nursing/care home so hardly worth the upheaval. Does she have a good relationship with her cleaner and if so could they be persuaded to up their hours and do some of these daily tasks? If not the Age UK suggestion sounds good- you could sell it as being helpful when neighbours are on holiday so she has a solution that hopefully breaks the dependency without upsetting her too much and its good for her to have more company and eyes on her on a regular basis.

Are you paying for the cleaner - I got that impression from your OP - if so you need to stop and she needs to pay for it. There is no point in her having money sitting around when it could be used and inheritance tax is only going one way so you really need her to get power of attorney sorted as a matter of priority, that way you won’t be out of pocket financially.

Is she happy sitting home alone most of the day and would she be happier in a care home or accommodation closer to you? Well this is the million dollar question. I would love to see my DPs safe and looked after in a care home, I think DM would be much happier but DF with dementia would fight it like hell. It would certainly make me about 100% happier not having to run two households and watching their living standards deteriorate as DFs mind does as DM is more or less bed bound. But the capacity bar is very low so I can’t force them to do that and simply have to wait for the inevitable crisis - it’s a question of when not if - which is deeply distressing and I feel angry that they didn’t make better provisions when they were able.

I live in zone two and think it would be so cool to be older in central London. She really needs to think about moving to a block with a lift. She will feel so much more independent then. Do you think you could arrange some actual viewings to suitable flats and that might change her mind when she sees them in person?

The cleaner can deal with the rubbish twice a week and presume if she can order shopping she is ok for getting food etc. But long term she does need to move to somewhere she is safe at. For example once she can no longer use the stairs its not safe if there’s a fire etc. Even getting a carer won’t stop that. Ideally she gets a ground floor or retirement flat with a lift. Those kind of places have communal areas and are very social.

Please do contact Age UK. They will have so many helpful suggestions as to how to help her gently and appropriately. Re the wearable alarm, there are companies who will be the keyholder and go in to check on her should she use it, contact the Adult Social care team at the council and they will advise. They will be able to recommend local care agencies also, although age UK will
also be able to advise on having one single person as a carer, rather than a rotating team.

Ask for an OT assessment so she has help within the flat but that won't help the stairs situation. As a pp said though, they are good for keeping muscle tone in the legs and therefore strength. This sounds like a difficult and frustrating situation and one that I feel I'm going to have to deal with myself shortly. Sympathies, OP.

My cleaner has two elderly clients whose services have become an hour a day. She's very fond of them, happy to do the extras on top of the normal clean. She liaises with their children who don't live nearby so can't be there much. It works well for all.

Agree about the carers/more cleaner hours and advice from Age UK. Also 10% get power of attorney for both health/welfare and finances.

Some landlords will put stairlifts in, worth considering if she is up to learning how to use it and is safe doing it solo. I’d be a bit concerned about her cognition though.

My mother is slightly older and also living in a flat in a big city. I think the carer/PA route would be ideal. But I also do think that now is the time that you and your brother start making more regular trips to see your DM.

I get it that you are a train ride away etc. I am too. But early 80s is often the age where we need to be more present on a practical level. But note that I include your brother in this too.