Is this strange behaviour from him, or am I just messed up?

[shania79]

I'm mid 40s, divorced with 2 adult DC. Divorced 6 years ago, have tried online dating but had bad experiences. So I was quite happy doing my own thing, not looking to date anyone - especially after 20 years married to a manipulative and controlling man.

Around 7 months ago I met a man by chance, we got friendly and he asked me out to dinner and a drink. We ended up getting on a lot better than I expected but I was clear I wasn't interested in anything serious , and neither was he, he said. He is early 50s, also divorced, 2 adult DD. He s very successful in his own right and still travels a fair bit for work.

Over the last 7 months we have seen each other once or twice a fortnight. Dinner, drinks, the odd show. Sometimes have a nice night in cooking with a film. We have a laugh and it's always just casual and relaxed. He is a lovely, kind and fun person - and a great father - which I have seen plenty of evidence of. We get on really well. The understanding has always been that we have fun and companionship together, but without any overt commitment on either part. This is on the basis that we both work full time, are busy with our own families, hobbies, etc and both still (relatively I suppose) recently divorced.

In November he had a sudden bereavement in his family. While it wasnt someone he was massively close to, it understandably, affected him. During that time I was also going through a tough situation and, naturally, we leaned on each other. It did make me feel closer to and more fond of him. But soon after we returned to our usual levels of contact.

Then, a few weeks ago, we both said the words "I love you" to each other. It happened naturally in the moment - no grand gestures - both just agreed we felt it in the moment. Had a bit of a laugh about it and moved on, or so I thought.

It seems like almost overnight, he has gone full puppy dog love mode. His usual confidence and cheekiness replaced with nerves and sensitivity. His usual dry jokes replaced by frilly compliments and cheesy conversations.

More phone calls, ending the phone call with 'I love you' every time etc.
The last two times we've spent together he has been more interested in cuddling and being all gooey than anything else - not even all the fun stuff I had been rather enjoying, if you know what I'm saying!

I feel awful even typing this out but the truth is I was initially attracted to his confidence, his stoicism, and the air of old school masculinity he had about him. He had a cheeky humour about him, eg if I made a sarcastic or self-deprecating joke about myself he would play along, we would have a laugh with it. Now it's like he immediately goes into complimenting, affirming mode. Even seeking reassurance from me about things he didn't before (has he got me the right gift, has he remembered the right thing I like, am I definitely happy with the restaurant?). I know these aren;t bad things and I feel awful saying it. I don't mind having both. But I just want the fun him back too.

I've vented to my sister about this and she thinks I'm being ridiculous. But the concern for me is that it all just feels too intense all of a sudden, and I don't want to end up trapped in a 'relationship' that's moving too fast, as I did with my ex , which led to 20 years of hell.
New man hasn't actually said anything relating to future or commitment, and I honestly don't think he wants it. But his behaviour is just making me uncomfortable.

What do I do? AIBU? or is there a way I can mention this to him without being a terrible person?

You’re not being at all unreasonable. This is no longer working for you. You have the option of ending it, or telling him his behaviour feels far too intense, committed and couple-y, to the point it’s making you feel uncomfortable, and see if he will go back to the more casual mode you liked.

The only issue with that is it sounds like rather mixed messages from you — you did also say you loved him. That wasn’t him only. That seems to have been what triggered the change in behaviour.

You are entitled to want what you want, and feel what you feel.

I would tell him it's going to fast and you would like to rewind.

But there is a possibility you will lose him. So be ready for that.

Good luck!

I don't think his behaviour is strange, he's just suddenly realised he loves you and now is scared of losing you. It's a bit annoying, but perfectly understandable.

If it doesn't work for you that's fine. You're entitled to maintain any boundaries you want. I imagine in time once he feels a bit more secure it'll go back to normal. It's up to you whether you want to wait around for that or not. Or speak to him directly or not.

I would just have a big think about what you want from this over the next year or so. Just make sure before you end it and regret it (or stay and regret it).

I’d be quite concerned he’s performing a role. It’s hard to imagine someone going from being stoic and confident to needy and anxious.

Give him a chance. As long as he’s not wanting marriage or moving in together why not carry on as you are and things will probably settle down. Don’t throw away what could be a great relationship in the future.

Do you love him too? It sounds like you don’t and he’s wondering what’s going on without saying it?

Tell him how you feel. Such a marked and sudden change in behavior does seem weird, but there could be all manner of reasons for it. What that reason is will go a long way to helping you decide if there's a future here.

What is the worst that can happen?
You need to understand why you, yourself, said - I love you.
He trusts those words.

Do you both trust each other more?

Where do you want to be in two years?

You now have a good degree of independence and you have learnt to identify an abusive relationship so why not relax, proceed and enjoy each other?

Trust yourself to call it quits if you sense abuse.

I voted you are being unreasonable because you just need to have a conversation with him. Worded carefully you can express that since saying I love you he seems different and not his usual cheeky self. Is everything okay? I miss your humour.
It's likely because he's developed feelings and is worried he will lose you, probably hasn't purposely changed. He probably needs reassurance, and you need to practice that open conversation skills that you likely didn't have with your ex. You can start with googking the 'I' statements from couples counselling. Good luck!

I felt a bit claustrophobic just reading this OP.

It happened to me too, hence why I think I had a strong reaction to your situation.

The long and the short of it was that I was not ready to settle and be in 24/7 relationship mode. I had just come out of a 25 year marriage and did not want this level of serious relationship. I was not in the right mental place. But he was. He wanted the serious relationship and even said I was the one.

I ended it. He was devastated and I was just relieved.

It was just too much too soon. I think perhaps this is the case with you too OP.

Sounds like u have led him on. Ur entitled to feel as u do and that’s fine but u owe him an explanation why u say u love him but don’t really want him either.

It sounds like his feelings are stronger now and he feels vulnerable with that. You could stay firm in your boundaries and continue to see each other a couple times a month and see if it settles.
Or you could talk to him about the changes and ask him why he is behaving differently now.

Just be a bit brusque back. Don’t feel obliged to play along. He perhaps feels there’s been a change of gear and this is how he is supposed to be- but it shows a lack of sensitivity to your response to carry it on.

Do you remember that song, ‘Come outside! Give Over!’? You need to be a bit like that! 😅

Keep pushing back and the bloke he was will reappear.

It sounds like he was fine with being casual and uncommitted for the first few months, but now he's realised he wants more than that and his behaviour has changed to reflect that. He's now thinking of you as a partner rather than a FWB. It's ok if you don't want that, in which case you should probably finish it as it's hard for a relationship to work when you want different things. But are you sure you don't want to give this a try OP? You've been divorced for 6 years - I wouldn't call that recent. He may be very different from your ex.

Oh that’s a shame. I would be really disappointed with that change. I think what @Kimura and @firstofallimadelight said makes a lot of sense.