Spending Christmas with in laws

[MonsoonRainbow]

This year we spent Christmas day at home just the four of us (me, DH, DS and DD). We invited my MIL and FIL for Xmas dinner. They have two children (DH and SIL). Every year we have them over for Christmas. AIBU to think that SIL should invite them over for Christmas? She has never invited them to her house for Christmas in the 16 years I have known them. She always insists that she has Xmas day with her husband and kids at their house alone. Every year it falls to me and DH to have them over. I just want a Christmas at home with my little family, is that unreasonable? Is SIL being selfish?

I’m confused, your post says you had Christmas at home, just the four of you, but then you say MIL and FIL were invited, So was it just four of you, or was it six?

That is annoying but…Why does someone have to have them? You can’t force SIL or feel she has made to take them if you willingly oblige each year. How about next month you put a message in the family chat stating your intention to do something that doesn’t include PIL? Give enough notice and let the other 4 adults involved sort their plans?

She has made her choice and you can’t force her to invite someone. She may not even realise you don’t like having them.

Just flag early on that you have plans and can’t take them next year and let them sort it out themselves.

We used to have the same. In our case distance meant them staying 4-5 days. BIL and SIL were local so could have just had them for lunch but never saw them until at least the 27th.
Every 3- 4 years or so we would take a break (one was Covid!) though apart from the Covid year we still saw them on Boxing Day!
Give plenty of notice next year that you are having a quiet day to yourselves and suggest they see SIL. And if it’s just the two of them on their own, that is absolutely fine, no need for you to feel guilty

We are in different regions to my own parents and PILs so we visit just before Christmas to drop off presents and we all spend Christmas in our own homes.

It’s irrelevant if SIL will have them over, there’s no obligation on you to do so, and perfectly reasonable to want a Christmas just with your family.

Don't feel guilty about it. You can visit family any time over Christmas, doesn't need to be Christmas Day. Unless you're all religious.

I think all you can do is accept other people's choices and focus on your own. You seem to get a lot of resentment from people thinking that other family members should "step up" but it's important to own your own choices and accept that they won't necessarily influence other people's choices.

Is it possible your DH wants to see his family? They are your in laws, not his!

One day you will be an in-law.
Why would you, too, want to be mean spirited like the SIL?

Maybe she is better at 'protecting her peace' than you?!

I'd say next year, make plans good and early to say eg, we are trying to have a quieter Christmas day/doing xyz/kids are anti social/ whatever excuse works and that you would love to hose a family meal on boxing day instead?
It would be pretty unkind IMO to shut them out entirely over Christmas, but nothing says you have to do everything on the same day. Personally I'd enjoy a relaxed day with a really nice breakfast and cheese and snacks for Christmas itself, then have the cooked meal another day.

But also, it sounds from your description that they only came for the meal part anyway, not the entire day? How long are they there for?

I’m with SIL. If you want a different life make different choices. Invite them every other year.
The fact that one day you will be an in-law is irrelevant. Would it never occur to them to decline sometimes and give you a year off?! Now that’s selfish.

You don't have to invite your in-laws every year. If you don't invite them, maybe SIL will step up. If not, you shouldn't feel guilty as you have definitely done more than your fair share.

Plus, as there are two of them, your PILs wouldn't be on their own as they have each other.

As OP has invited her PILs for Christmas for 16 years, I hardly think that she will be visited by the ghost of in-laws past if she doesn't invite them one year. She is allowed at least one Christmas without them.

How old are they? Do they need an invitation or would they be happy just the two of them? If so,don't make a rod for your own back. Frailty descends swiftly and there will come times when you have no choice. Meanwhile savour your family and let them do as they please. IME you can't change a SIL so move on and don't get angry. The IL's will know and there's no need for a ruck.

So you had Christmas at home the 4 of you but you also didn’t? Confused.

YABU for “my little family” 🤢

This. I don't blame your SIL at all. We quit hosting family on Christmas day after a few years of doing it when we had young DC. It's now bliss!

If you want change, you need to make it happen - have some agency! Have you discussed it with your DH? As the dust settles on this Christmas, say to him that you don’t want to host anyone next year, and ask that he has whatever conversations that are necessary with SIL/MIL/FIL to make that happen. And then stick to your guns

When did they actually come

Just say that you're going out for dinner on Christmas Day next year. And do it! Problem solved. Your in-laws will either have to cook their own dinner, go to their daughter's house or come out to dinner with you, wherever you've chosen to go. At least then, a) they'll have to pay for their own meals b) you're not stuck hosting them all day and c) you'll have broken the tradition that you cook for them on Christmas Day.

People are creatures of habit. Sometimes they need a little gentle reminder that things change.