Boundaries with parents

[TheQuaintSloth]

I'm mid-forties and moved near my parents post-divorce with DC.

They are essentially lovely people and doting grandparents. They're late 70s and have DC after school once or twice a week. I'm very grateful. They have done this for years.

I've never wanted them to feel like just a free childcare ticket, or like it's expected of them. I had a paid nanny for wrap around care too. I love them and look after them... As an example, I take them out every week to a cafe, as part of our 'routine'.

This means I'd expect to see them 2 - 3 times a week. It's a lot, and I check in by WhatsApp most days too.

In my mind, that's the max sustainable / predictable amount of contact for everyone, unless they wanted to step back from help, or needed me to offer them active care.

But here's the thing. There's no boundaries at all with them and it's driving me bonkers. They'll turn up at my house once or twice a day, even when I'm working, and will expect me to be available on both Saturdays, Sundays and most my annual leave. They asked me to move in (!!!!) which I declined. This has got progressively worse in 2025.

I feel absolutely trapped by this. Some weeks, I've had to open the door to them unannounced 10 times and even had to speak to my boss about demands from home because of disruption...I don't think this a dementia issue with one / both of them but is linked to their feelings of vulnerability (and entitlement too to access to their daughter).

What the hell do I do? I don't know how to handle this sensitivity. I expect to step up to offer them more support as they age but the lack of boundaries is not what I'd predicted....

Tell them that they can’t come round when you’re working, to start with,

Omg that’s a lot. Are you an only child??

To start I would spin it that you have got into trouble at work for constant interruptions and that it is imperative they don’t call when you are working.

Honestly Op this would be my parents if I didn’t live that little bit away from them.

Thanks @ PersephoneParlormaid and makes sense.

The difficult thing is that they must know this. The reason they don't ask if they can come over is so that I can't say 'no'.

I've another sibling but not local and they don't have children. The boundary issues with them are there too but less extreme

I need to talk to them about work, you're right

So start with the work issue and work it up.
I am inclined to see what they are at for the week and then invite them for something - say Sunday lunch and then I am in control a bit!!! They are not bad people and good with grandchildren. It was a long time ago but when we first moved closer they used to take their mates to see my new house when we were not there. I met a friend of theirs in the supermarket and she congratulated me on my new house and all she loved about it when she got the tour. 🤣
I really sense you get on but just need some space.

Start with the work situation. Go round to their house and tell them it has to stop as you’ve been given a warning by your boss. Spell it out exactly - you can’t come on these days between these hours. At all. If they do, ignore the door. If they have a key, get it back from them or get bolts fitted so you can prevent them letting themselves in.

Then tackle the weekend.

Have you tried speaking to them about this?

I would start with visits during working hours as already suggested by telling them you are not available in work hours. if they don't respect this and call round do not answer the door.

Try cutting down the what'sapp to once or twice a week even if you need to do it by longer gaps between messages over a week or two.

If you do not respect your own boundaries then there is no way that they will either.

When you see them make sure that they know when you are free so that they don't feel like you are unavailable, ie 'Let's go for coffee on Saturday afternoon if you are free etc or just I'll see you Tuesday, that way you are telling them when you are available for them.

It sounds like you are being suffocated by them and I can't imagine that the time spent together is very fulfilling for any of you.

I doubt it will be an easy process to make yourself less available and keep boundaries enforced as 10 visits in a day is extreme.

They need to see that less contact equals more joy and closeness not less.

Gosh, I'm sorry you had that experience.

I will definitely talk about work first..I'm hoping the penny will then drop that I'm asking them to respect my space more. I don't think it'll be something they'll really 'get' but work might be the easiest win. Thank you x

Gosh, I'm sorry you had that experience.

I will definitely talk about work first..I'm hoping the penny will then drop that I'm asking them to respect my space more. I don't think it'll be something they'll really 'get' but work might be the easiest win. Thank you x

Thank you and yes, I'll need to find a way to speak to them about it. I do use that technique of planning ahead to try and set a rhythm for when we'll meet up, but it's never enough somehow.

(It was 10x in a week, not a day, but still felt like a lot of 'dropping in')

Tell them!
Don't give them a key to your house and, if they come around at an inconvenient time (especially when you're working), just don't answer the door.
You need to stick to this 100% of the time.
I'd also consider organising alternative after-school provision for the kids.

If you don't take a stand now, things will only get much, much worse.

I’m afraid no ‘help’ is ever really free. Especially that given regularly for years. SIL had this with PIL who became massively over involved in their lives. They saw themself as a six, not a separate four and two. It got worse as they aged with worsening reliance for both practical and emotional issues, and when FIL died MIL expectations were unreasonable. SIL ended up on antidepressants.
I’d be rather worried for the years ahead. I suspect this will escalate as they become older and frailer and when one is left alone. Have no doubt playback will be expected. However nicely it’s framed.
Just see less of them and consider paid help as time goes on, on both sides. Then you all know where you stand.

This sounds hard, and you sound like a good person trying to do the right thing. Unfortunately they have taken advantage of the situation because you have let them. Like others have said, you have to start drawing firm boundaries and being 100% consistent about sticking to them.

Work hours is an easy place to start. Tell them that you are struggling with interruptions, and going forward you are not available during work hours, at all. Change your locks, don't answer the door, put your phone on Do Not Disturb. If you do open the door, greet them kindly, explain that this isn't a good time because you are working, and cheerfully say you look forward to X when you have planned to meet up with them. When they say they want to meet up on Saturday, cheerfully tell them you already have plans to do Y, but you'll look forward to seeing them for your regular Whatever you do together.

It is super important that you change your lock and don't give them the new key. Make up a story if you have to, like maybe you lost your key in a public space and were worried about your security.

I'd recommend doing some reading about boundaries and how to maintain them. I have seen many people recommend the Captain Awkward blog. Get your scripts prepared in your head in advance so you know how to respond to the situations when on the spot. Kick the first ones to text if necessary to give yourself the time to respond the way you want to. Remember: the goal isn't to make them happy but for you to carve out your own happiness.They likely will get upset at the new normal at some point, but that doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. Be strong!