AIBU that if your mortgage is 1k a month…

[Nottue]

50k in savings means you need to chill the hell out?

I have had to distance myself from a friend who was constantly talking about savings. She had a traumatic break up earlier this year and understandably she has been worried about being a sole earner for the home. I get it and I’ve supported her. Even though she has over 50k in savings she is STILL talking about financial worries for next year. She has no debt, this isn’t a ‘problem’ and talking to her was making me feel absolutely awful as I have the grand total of 300 pounds savings and can only add 20 quid or so a month to it. AIBU to distance myself? I feel like now it’s become more about boasting than wanting support.

I don't get the connection between the mortgage being £1k a month and having £50k in savings.

However, we all have different views of what feels secure. Yours and your friends aren't aligned, and that's ok.

Sounds like she has no context, she's still figuring out being on her own and paying all the bills etc.
I'm sure it will settle, if she's a good friend then give her some time and in a few months time when the expense of Christmas has passed and she's more used to being on her own she will feel more relaxed about the situation and won't mention it as much.

This is a you problem, not a her problem.

Hearing her talk about her (better) financial position is drawing attention to your (poor) financial position.

Savings don’t mean you aren’t worried about meeting your monthly expenses - they’re just that, savings. She’s probably realising that accumulating more of them is now impossible with her new higher outgoings supporting herself / family on one wage.

My husband has a friend like this who knows we are really struggling but drops the odd ' that's another 60k in the pot' into the conversation. He's either tone deaf or just really needs us to know he's doing ok. I think it's the latter. Your friend maybe has a different idea of lack than you, but if it feels like boasting instead I would find it hard to be around her too. Its a very unattractive quality.

How old is she? If she's about to retire with a mortgage for example, then no, she is not really okay.

She’s recently separated, and if it was a long relationship, I imagine much of her longer term financial planning may have been based on having a dual income and savings and pensions - as is the case for most couples. That’s all now been blown out of the water, a bit of panicking as to what life is going to look like and whether what she has is enough is a pretty normal phase of the post-separation process. It’s fine to distance a little, or ask to divert conversations away from money - and to focus on bettering your own financial situation, what you have or don’t have isn’t your friend’s doing.

Well I guess the point being the if, for any readin, she was unable to work for a period she’d be fine. Her bills would be pad. For a couple of years if that’s what she needed.

for a lot of people, the OP included the consequences of having to stop earning for even a month, would be a very fast descent into an unrecoverable situation.

the friend in question does not carry this risk. She has a safety net.

@TonytheTRex she has been a good friend but I feel like our conversations are all about this now. I actually told her recently that I have next to no savings so she’s doing better than me…in the hope she would stop talking about it so much but if anything it’s just got worse and now I’m hearing about next years goals

@NoSoupForU because I feel like she’s got a decent buffer and surely anyone, including her, can see that

@DeathBanana cross posted. Your post sums it up exactly.

@Notmymarmosets she is 42 so I do appreciate that she is worried. I just think compared to most she’s absolutely fine and it’s making me feel really shit to constantly have this as the topic of conversation. I’m a similar age

Have you tried being direct with her?

"I find it really stressful talking about money because my savings are so low. Is there someone else you can talk to about this? Do you mind if we stay on other topics?"

Neither of you is being unreasonable but you might need to communicate your problem directly and not drop hints.

I can see why that would be frustrating and you feel the way you do.
It could be that she's struggling with the break up generally and this is what she's fixating on.
You sound like a good friend, I'm sure if you spoke to her gently and explained how you feel it might make her realise she is in a better position than she thinks.

I think you’ve had some great perspective already and finding it to speak to her about shifting topic would be better for you

I would also add from my own experiences I’ve learned to take notice when someone/something really bothers me and I try to reflect on why it does so much and what can I learn from this person/situation.

Sometimes listening to our own discomfort can be a catalyst for change in some way.

I did this by the way - asked directly to drop the topic - when I was having a hard time at work and family kept bringing it up in comparison with theirs or just as small talk. Worked fine. Hints and grumpiness and thinking surely it's obvious I'm worse off than you lot didn't. It's really worth just saying.

I agree with the above OP.

I get that its hard for your to hear, as you feel your situation is worse.

But I would feel like your friend too. She has gone from feeling very financially secure to feeling very insecure and ' at risk.' People have different attitudes to risk and she clearly highly values financial security and doesn't feel safe without it.

Your friend seems really prudent.

It sounds like there is some internal projection going on - she's going through a big period of life change and upheaval and probably feels quite insecure generally, but she's projecting all that onto her finances, which are not the real problem (but are tangible and more straightforward than admitting to herself that it's actually life that's scary and unstable). As pp said this will probably pass once life feels more settled again but it might help you tolerate it to view it as not really about money at all.

She may have a large buffer but does she have any excess income per month or is she dipping into savings each month to make the payments? She isn’t unreasonable to worry about her finances and you are not unreasonable to worry about yours. Worries are worries she has had an enormous change in situation which she is likely still getting her head around.

Just follow the old adage to never discuss religion, politics, or money.

YANBU

Mentioning it more and more since you disclosed your position is bragging and rubbing your nose in it, and it’s highly tactless.

The older I get, the more I realise how a lot of people love pecking order and to be at the top, and this is exactly what this woman is doing to you.

Friends are supposed to make you feel good, not angry, confused or depressed. I would put an end to it, either by saying something or stopping the friendship all together.