Christmas. Should we put up and shut up ?

[arbielle]

A friend always invites to my home for Christmas, it’s just me and he brings the meat and I do all the rest. I have just had a major op and difficult diagnosis and I built up resentment that he didn’t just for this year recognise that it would have been better if he had invited me to his home just this once.
So I told him in a voice note and I was very brutal. He ended up not coming and I felt terrible afterwards because I had hurt him and now our long-standing friendship is at risk I have apologised and he says he’s forgiven me but the misery I felt over Christmas was way beyond the resentment I felt at his insensitivity.
I have learned my lesson. It’s way better to put up and shut up in some situations as it can go nuclear and the consequences can be devastating.

No you were right, you shouldn’t have apologised, he was bloody thoughtless.

Well, I agree put up and shut up would have been better than the option you went for (although admittedly you weren't exactly in the best headspace to be making balanced judgements) but there is another option - tell people, calmly and without drama or histrionics, what you need from them. "Hey Bob, I know we usually do Christmas at mine but I've had a particularly shitty time and if you felt up to hosting this year I'd really appreciate it". We see so many feuds and arguments on here that have started because someone has been hoarding resentment for years like it's a commodity OR just had a massive meltdown and been rude or demanding.

I agree, poor communication. There may be a good reason he prefers yours, nicer home, better equipped etc. Obviously not worth losing a good friend over so call him and talk. Have a 2 way conversation and try and clear the air

The lesson to learn isn’t to put up and shut up, it’s how to calmly assert your needs without going way over into being brutal.

It can take practice if it’s not something you’ve done before because you grew up bottling up all your resentment. But like anything it’s a skill you can learn.

If you want to repair this relationship, you can apologise for how you said it, and for letting it fester over years, but if he was taking advantage of you, you don’t need to apologise for that. Focus on how you want to share the workload moving forward.

Thanks everyone, each comment has been helpful, I’ve only just forgiven myself - it’s taken a week to come to terms with crushing Christmas both for him and me.
Ultimately I feel I should have not said anything and silently forgiven him each year as I have been. He doesn’t take advantage of me the rest of the year.

'Ultimately I feel I should have not said anything and silently forgiven him each year as I have been. He doesn’t take advantage of me the rest of the year.'

THIS says it all , you absolutely should not be feel bad about the message, you just need to work on delivery that's all.

You're needs are important too.

You're being very dramatic, veering between two options of brutal voice note and put up and shut up.

Can't you just communicate in a normal, respectful way? "Hi dear friend, really looking forward to seeing you at Christmas but since I've just had a major op, I'd be really grateful if you hosted this year"

Ultimately I feel I should have not said anything and silently forgiven him each year as I have been.

I think this is the problem.

If you say the little things on your mind as and when they occur, you're less likely to have them build up like a pressure cooker that eventually bursts.

I think you can apologise for being so harsh in your manner and explain that the operation really left you shattered and unable to think or communicate well. Say that next year you really hope you’ll be able to enjoy Christmas together again.

Thanks bridgetreilly. The meds, the op, the diagnosis, have all taken their toll I’ve gone from a very healthy person to being at the hospital three times a week, I guess my ability to function and present as normal makes people forget what’s going on. Resentment was building up without me even knowing. It’s good to share this with you all I was in torment over Christmas because of what I’d done.

Im in the camp of tell someone calmly if you've an issue and if it doesn't work then you can choose scorched earth. It's potential as he buys the meat, arguAbly the most expensive part and you've never said anything he didn't realise you resented hosting him. He does now

He ended up not coming and I felt terrible afterwards because I had hurt him and now our long-standing friendship is at risk I have apologised and he says he’s forgiven me but the misery I felt over Christmas was way beyond the resentment I felt at his insensitivity.

it sounds like he's the one who needs to do a bit of soul-searching. You've dented his fragile ego by saying the unvarnished truth that he has been taking advantage of you for however many years. Why hasn't he ever offered to host you? He should have considered your situation more closely (you've been ill!) and thought to himself that you needed a rest this year. Instead he took you for granted.

Id say you have nothing to reproach yourself for. Too many women think they should put up and shut up. Well, that leads to people like him taking to piss. So stick to your guns, he needs to get over himself and stop sulking, and he needs to host you for a change without you needing to send him a voice note to tell him he's bloody selfish.

if he can't get the message, then reconsider whether this is a reciprocal equal relationship or one where you have to be a good girl and do as you're told without a voice, or can express your concern and have that person see your perspective.

If all he brings along is a joint of beef or a turkey, I'd say he was getting off Scot free and it's the OP who is shouldering the burden of work and expense of cooking, cleaning, washing up and preparing the meal. Year after year after year....

Just talk to him calmly.

It's quite possible that he thought you enjoy hosting or that you would be more comfortable at home as you've been unwell.

Clearly asking him if he could host this year or even if he could cook at your house this year/provide more than just the meat was all that was needed. Communicate your needs clearly and calmly. That's more important than ever if you're suffering from ill health.

Why does it have to be put up or go nuclear, why not have a mature conversation, mind you maturity seems to be lacking these days

How has he taken advantage of you? What did you have to forgive? Presumably you invited him every year? Did you never suggest alternating? You can't keep doing something and silently resenting the other person for not reading your mind then lose your rag at them for it - that's no way to treat a friend. Use your words, several years back apparently!

Sorry you've been unwell but there is definitely a middle ground here that you could have taken. Kindly telling him that you aren't feeling up to hosting, and asking if he would be able to do so instead this year, would have been the reasonable approach.

You were understandably upset and handled it badly. A message in plenty of time asking if this year you could swap roles and take the meat to his house would not have been so upsetting for him snd might have set a new pattern.

The ‘lesson’ you should take from this is not to seethe with silent resentment over something without ever communicating your issues calmly — this leads to you being extraordinarily rude and potential friendship breakdown and guilt.

If you don’t want to host him again, don’t. It’s not that complicated. Communicate, don’t explode.

As others have said, there isn't just two options here, there is very much a middle ground.
But don't worry, you made a mistake as we all do, and if he really is a good friend and one worth having, you'll be fine x