Long lost cousin. Scared

[Chickencuddle]

Is it just me being the way i am 🤣
I am meeting in 2 weeks with my cousin who i have not seen in over 20 years. I went into care. She doesnt know what happened at home. Has always believed what the adults told her but has very kindly reached out to me recently saying she didnt want contact with my dad (who abused me but she doesnt know this yet) due to seeing things about him she doesnt like. Etc. I appreciate how hard it would have been to go against her family to reach out to me.
So conflicted. I feel protective of myself which is probably selfish but also mt family too. Im worried about things getting back to my dad as her dad is my dad's brother think they are pretty close. I dont want him in mine or my kids lives at all.
Part of me wants to tell her what happened. Its been a secret so long and Ive felt like I need to talk about it for a while. Also think its fair she knows so she can understand etc
But then part of me knows once I tell it. Something will change. Will she look at me differently. Will she be angry will she tell anyone. Will she believe me? Im embarrassed too. And its all so complicated and entwined in other things.
My main concern is she won't like me. We are basically strangers who have some faint memories of each other from child hood we dont know much about each other. Im not very interesting. Im not funny. I dont have anything remarkable about me. In pretty ugly and gained alot of weight. She is beautiful and amazing. I feel a bond which is unexplainable. But I do. A strong bond and I love her and im so so happy she is back in my life.
Im just scared and worried. I will probably freeze. What do we talk about. How do we begin. We are meeting with kids and my husband. Would have liked to meet jyst us two first of all. But thats jyst the way things worked. Help

Well, what benefit is it to you to see this cousin? I’d start from there.

I also don’t think that, for your own protection, I’d be telling a virtual stranger about your familial CSA the first time you’ve seen her in 20 years.

It’s completely normal to be scared. She is indirectly part of your traumatic past.

Do be aware that she may also have past trauma too.

Oof, what a massive and brave thing to be doing! Of course it's not selfish to protect yourself. Go very cautiously, this is likely to bring up all sorts of feelings and you are vulnerable. I really hope it goes well and there is a bond and love from her side, too. But if there isn't that's not your fault and it's most definitely not because you're not interesting or funny or any of that stuff. You are brave and worthy of love and you survived.
Take very good care of your precious self @Chickencuddle .

Has always believed what the adults told her but has very kindly reached out to me recently saying she didnt want contact with my dad (who abused me but she doesnt know this yet) due to seeing things about him she doesnt like

What has she seen she doesn't like? Maybe she knows more than you think.

You do not need to disclose anything to her at this point. You are meeting with kids and husband. I actually think that's probably better even though she said you would preer to meet on your own first. It means if you are struggling for things to say your husband can fill in the gaps.
You can start by talking about your life now, your family, your job, her family and job, interests and hobbies and then see how it goes.

If it feels uncomfortable and you don't want to meet her again you don't have to. Meet somewhere where you can leave if necessary. Have some kind of signal agreed with your husband if you feel the need to leave early so he and/or you can make your excuses and leave.

If she doesn't want contact with your dad then I think you can say that you are still non-contact with him and that you'd prefer she doesn't share any information about you which could get back to your dad.

Honestly girl, i wouldnt meet her. You've worked hard to get away from your evil bio dad, youve built a life for yourself by the sounds of it. Why do you want to connect with the past?

I would think that she will tell her family everything and it will cause a huge drama.

How old are you both? Can you withstand her relatives coming to you asking questions?

Just stuff to think of, and i am genuinely sorry for being a downer.

Either way, you have my solidarity as its not fucking easy. Best of luck ❤️

What are you hoping to get from meeting up?

I'm not sure how your voting works, but you are not being unreasonable to meet her, not to be nervous, that's perfectly normal. But, go with an open heart and get to know someone from your past who is obviously keen to meet you and renew a childhood link. I agree that perhaps not going into trauma details on first meeting is best, particularly with children around, but it sounds like she may have a clue.

Depending on how your dad abused you, her knowing will help her protect her children. From your post, it sound like she is beginning to realise he isn't Mr Nice Guy.

I think she said he threatened her stepmum and made inappropriate comments to my cousin and just the general way he is what he says he can be quite aggressive.
Think everyone kind of always thought oh thats just the way he is yoh know what hes like eyeroll but seeing more and reading between the lines. She said my uncle saw him being aggressive with me when I was around 2 and still remembers it.

I’d be concerned if perhaps he abused her too? Maybe that’s why she wants to meet up ? Just something to keep in the back of your mind so if that is the case it’s not a shock

You can meet her and acknowledge that he was abusive without going into details. You can say you're not comfortable divulging now as you don't know her very well. That's ok. It won't change the way she sees you.

Thanks for everyone's replies. Quite a few people have asked why I would want to see her. The easiest way to explain this is that I have been alone for a long time. No family on my side. I feel that loss every day. I am thankful I escaped thankful I did some growing up away from that environment and would not want a relationship with him, but I feel the emptiness in not having family to speak to, to share things with. People who understand me because they know exactly where I have come from etc. I really loved my cousin growing up and missed her. She is the same age as me. Only a few months between us. I feel like ive longed for a long time to have some family. And I have a chance now. I think j have to take it. She has assured me she will not pass information on and knows I am no contact. We have been messaging for around a year now.

Why are you meeting up? It does sound like a can of worms could be coming. Decline the meeting if you are worried. Or if you really want to see her, just be careful about what you say at this stage (if you forge a stronger friendship you might feel more comfortable in time).

If you do meet up have you thought about if the meeting doesn’t give you the sense of family you are longing for? If you be prepared to get nothing from it and for it to possibly make you feel worse.

@Chickencuddle

This is an incredibly difficult situation to navigate.
I'd ask for this to be moved to the adopters board where you will find people with more relevant experience.
Im an adoptive mum and now foster carer.
My thoughts are - whatever your dad did its entirely natural to want a connection with your birth family.
It sounds like you have already arranged a meeting. If you had asked before I'd have suggested that you get some counselling first and try and work out what you want from the relationship.
As you are meeting with your DH and children I'd keep it light. Save any deep things until you've worked out what you want and you can meet on your own.
Bear in mind that she may be putting snippets of family information together. She may be worried if she has been abused or if she or any other family children are at risk.

This is entirely your decision and your life. Don't be swayed by what people here think you should or shouldn't do.
You can have a one off meeting or pursue a relationship with her. Its up to you. But prioritise yourself and don't put your emotional and mental health at risk. Get some counselling and draw on the people around you who know what happened.

Good luck

Yes I guess this is the main worry. Disappointment. But I know i will love her. I'm just worried she will be disappointed with me and also just worried it won't work out and losing hope I guess.

Thank you so much for this. Im not sure how to do that.
I have actually been on list for counselling for a while and have my first appointment in January. The week after we get back from seeing her so at least if it doesnt go well I can talk about it then.

I think it's great you are going to see her. I wouldn't tell her everything in one go - it's a lot for her to process, and others will be there too. I'd focus on spending time with her and would just play it by ear regarding confidences. I imagine she feels awful knowing you had a really tough time.

I hope you do make a connection x