Am i mentally unwell?

[crayon12]

Posting here for traffic as I need advice.

Iv always suffered with social things. I can ‘fake it till i make it’ and my friends would probably tell you im soicable but the reality is I find it exhausting. I have low self esteem and i am paranoid about my appearance, if clothes are fitting ok, is my hair ok.
I cant really relax with people im not fully comfortable with without having a drink or two.
I get irritated really easily and when i get upset I can’t articulate why properly to my dh and i end up coming across nasty and need time alone to work through how i feel.
I very rarely feel joy or happiness anymore. Nothing excites me.
I am at my ‘happiest’ in bed watching tv or cleaning my home and having everything in order. When someone dirties or moves something to where it doesn't belong I get so irritated. I hate when people call to my house unannounced. I hated doing the school drop off so much that i put my kids in breakfast club to avoid chit chat with the other mums. I know im driving my dh and teenage dc mad.
Iv felt im not ‘right’ for a while but always put it to the back of my mind. This christmas has really made me think.
I was unhappy until I was able to clean up all the paper and mess. Had a few good hours then I just wanted to go to bed feeling sad.
I often think up bad scenarios in my head like something happening to my children, parents or partner and feel that terror and then worry about it . Its like im trying to mentally prepare myself if it happens.
I think negeativiitly all the time.
My dh is starting to suffer, he tries his best to help, give me space etc but I know hes getting fed up.
When i get upset, I imagine not being here anymore and it makes me feel content like a weight has been lifted .
I hope someone can give me some advice

It sounds like you are anxious and depressed

OP have you considered the possibility that you are neurodivergent? This screams "undiagnosed autism/ADHD" to me. 🌸

Thanks so much for replyig @24caratgoldlabubuI have wondered but would never say it out loud. I would find it so awkward to go to the doctor and try and explain . I would probably just minimise everything.

I think the person you need to get advice from is likely your GP - they’ll look at the whole picture and hopefully help you.

You will end up with multiple different replies here, but no one can know just from your post. In your shoes I would give your doctors surgery a ring when they’re open and get an appointment sorted. The first step is seeking help 😊

How old are you? This sounds like perimenopause to me, the lack of joy and interest in things especially.

@Bulbsbulbsbulbsim 35

I am not going to try to diagnose you as a PP says but it seems to me that you need support and your GP is a great place to start.
Have a look at docready.org.uk which is a site designed to help people talk to their doctor about their mental health. You said if you get to your GP you won’t know what to say, so it might help. The first step is recognising that there is an issue so well done for that.

I also thought ND x

I think you sound like an introvert who is burnt out, exhausted and feeling anxious as a result.

Some of the things you describe are normal. 90% of people don’t enjoy socialising without a drink. I’m sober and it’s the #1 concern people have about stopping drinking. That they won’t be able to enjoy socialising anymore. If you can’t enjoy it without a drink, you don’t actually enjoy it. Not all of us are made for it. A lot of people - I’d venture to say, most - are faking it when they’re around friends and family.

A lot of it simply sounds like you are overstimulated, overwhelmed, burnt out. You need to recharge. I am happiest in bed reading or watching tv too. Or out on a long hike with no other people.

Tidying is about quelling anxiety. Creating order when everything feels disordered and out of control.

Are you forced to do things you don’t really enjoy? Do you stuff it down and do it anyway to keep everyone happy? And then get anxious and explode? To me it sounds like you are at your limit but not listening to what your body is telling you. It’s okay to say no to things you don’t want to do.

I would also recommend speaking to your GP - I found talking therapy really helpful in ‘training’ my brain to break unhelpful thinking habits and not be scared by them.

It is so hard to be feeling how you are - take it one day at a time. Seeking help is a hard first step but there is help available that might make a real difference.

It sounds like anxiety to me and possibly being ND - I resonate with some of the things you said, particularly the not being able to articulate why you feel a certain way, I also hate socialising. On Christmas Eve myself and my husband commented how we were much happier at home eating crispy duck and watching stranger things than we ever would be going out. But I have come to accept that’s just who I am - I get anxious over daft things, I don’t like many people and I prefer to be at home 😂. My anxiety has got better just by accepting that’s who I am.

That said, if it is affecting your life and your family negatively its never a bad idea to seek support!

I can relate. You have become fearful of life, and take comfort in your safe routines. You see the future in terms of the unhappiness it could bring, rather than with hope of good things.
Have you suffered any trauma or very difficult life events? Because often what you describe comes after that. If so, the key to feeling better is to process that.

Those symptoms could be anything from depression to adhd to ocd to perimenopause. I mean this gently but neither you or strangers on he internet can diagnose you - make a gp appt and go from there

Thanks for the replies i am crying witn relief

I was thinking the same - PLUS worsening with peri / Menopause as you lose oestrogen.

I've been through a very similar journey over the last few years. For me HRT, and lots of it, has improved things massively.

Sounds more like autism than mental unwellness. Any of your kids autistic? That’s usually when adults realise. When their kids are diagnosed and it’s genetic

You could look into therapy to help you explore what’s wrong. I felt similarly and had psychotherapy and went on medication for anxiety and depression.. it helped loads and now I can deal with life better. It made me feel more confident and my life improved as I began looking forward to things again and making time for my interests and reaching out to people more.

Low self esteem and social anxiety can be worked on with the help of a therapist. Some of what you say sounds like generalised anxiety. It’s very common and it is definitely possible to work on it and be happier.
If you are interested in self help, there are lots of books you could try
eg the Overcoming range of books, which are based on CBT.
-Overcoming low self esteem
-Overcoming Worry and Generalised Anxiety Disorder,
or
The Little Anxiety Workbook: Reclaim your life with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

If you live in England you can self refer for therapy - search for your nearest Talking Therapy Service.

OP did you have a difficult childhood with arguing/violent parents. Was their love conditional on what you did/said. Did they use guilt, blame and shame on you. Were you mocked and humiliated? I'm describing my own childhood. Your systems sound alot like me. I got diagnosed with CPTSD/BPD from childhood and have alot of maladaptive strategies which I used to survive with childhood but have made my adult life difficult.

I'm on max dose antidepressants and due to start schema therapy soon on the NHS. It's not an easy path as I've been assessed by 3 clinical psychologists, prior to that a MH nurse. I've also had to fill in a ton of forms. I live in hope that it helps me although my condition has already had a huge impact on my life.

Do you struggle make impulsive decisions, overreact to things, struggle with anger? All these are signs of trauma that has not healed. Do you try and control everything to feel 'safe'. Do you need everything to be 'perfect' (your house , your looks)

If any of this makes sense then yes you need to get help. I have all of these by the way.

In the meantime there is a ton of stuff on you tube about CPTSD which might be helpful for you. I wish you luck.

Life is exhausting. The suicide idealation is an 'escape' for your brain and I do it too.

To everyone saying it could be undiagnosed ASD while its possible, (socal anxiety, senory issues), these could also be explained by other things as well. the OP would be able to trace their issue back to childhood. The process of getting an autism diagnosis is long and indepth. Autism isn't just anxiety and sensory issues, its a social/communication development disorder, how the brain process/reads information.
I say this myself as someone diagnosis with Autism as an adult.

My advice would be for the OP to contact their GP with there concerns, if explaining is difficult write it down. as you have done above,.the GP won't think less of you for doing it, and start the process of getting support, possibly looking into hormones, ND, anxiety issues ect.