MIL

[miamiamia869]

Is this being unreasonable.

Karen and mike have a daughter gemma who married a man named tom.

Toms parents are separated but gemmas are not.

Gemma and tom have spent every christmas at gemmas mums Karen's house for 9 years since they got togerher and in this time had a child. Tom finally got to spend the 10th year at his mums for christmas and then also wanted the 11th year at his dad's as thet are separated and in differant households.

Karen was angry and says its "her year" to have them at hers as thet were at his family last year so toms dad would need to wait until next year to have them. Even though they spent 9 consecutive years at hers. So technically if it works how she says it should be toms side for 9 years?

Is Karen being unreasonable?

I haven’t had Christmas Day at family’s house for at least 9 years. My oldest is 16, during that time we’ve had dinner with my mum once, DH family twice and my DB once. The rest of the time we’ve eaten at home. For the last two years we’ve had my FIL round for dinner so he isn’t alone. We do still see family over Christmas which is usually Christmas Eve and Boxing Day but we tend to keep Christmas Day at home

Gemma and Tom should have Christmas at home to avoid all this BS.

I do think some families place a lot more importance on xmas day than others, the most important thing is making sure people who dont want to be arent alone. We have inherited a grandparent of my DCs partner and ensure they are now included also which means such a lot. We would be happy dinner just us at home and then visiting others.

My mum can be a bit selfish with xmas and was so used to us always being with her (my DH was never invited to his family) so she was unhappy when my brother and SIL wanted to do alternate years, so I had a word with her (it was literally only dinner, she was invited in the evening). She is fine now, it wasnt like she was alone with my dad, she was at ours the other year anyway 🙄

The baby is 6 so not a baby no more. It has always beens Karen's house because gemma and karen want to be together at Christmas. They did go to Karen's for boxing day this year but karen has openly said gemma shouldn't have to go to toms parents. When karen got married her and gemmas dad spent all christmasses at her mum and dad's.

And there is no reason why tom didn't visit his family. Trying to do right by his wife who just wants christmas with her family. Tom asked every year to have a turn with his side but was always pushed into a corner. Karen and gemmas dad do not want to go to gemmas for dinner as they prefer to host.

Now that there has been a separation and the birth of a child the current arrangement cannot continue and a new one must be created.

There should be a three yearly rotation - Karen & Mike Year 1, Tom’s Mum year 2, Tom’s Dad year 3 then repeat. This is the fairest way if it has to be Christmas Day.

Alternatively, visit one family on Christmas Eve, one Christmas Day and one Boxing Day.

Or Gemma and Tom have Christmas at home and see their families on a different day.

My parents and Grandparents used to alternate, one family would get Christmas Day and the other New Years Day then swap the next year.

Karen & Mike are selfish and need to give the other families a turn.

All this.

Tom is being unreasonable - he shouldn't change the status quo now

So he never gets to spend Christmas with his family because he has an overbearing MIL who throws a hissy fit when they don't spend Christmas with her? "Karen was angry" was in the OP. I know mothers like this.

I have two sons. I would be devastated if they didn't fight to spend a Christmas with me because they are married.

Tom was "trying to do the right thing by his wife" but why was Gemma not trying to do the right thing by her husband? If their child is a boy does it mean that in future they never get to spend Christmas with him because his wife wants to be with only her family every year?

I agree they choose where to spend Christmas and it should be alternating between the 3 households and maybe even a year at home all by themselves.

It wouldn’t be fair to see Tom’s parents two years in a row and make Gemma’s parents wait 3 years. Gemma’s parents this year, Tom’s mum’s next Christmas but Boxing Day with Tom’s dad, then following year Gemma’s parents.

Or Gemma’s parents every year and Tom’s parents on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.

We only know Tom’s mum’s (the OP) version of the story. Tom’s mum might be overbearing and difficult to be around so it’s nicer to have Christmas with Gemma’s parents. She doesn’t like her son’s choices so makes out that Gemma and Gemma’s mum is nasty.

You have to leave it to the couple to decide OP. If Tom won't put his foot down what can you do. Just have a lovely celebration on a different day - Christmas is a season not a day.

You're clearly very angry your son didn't prioritise you and was happy to go along with his wife's choice.

Blaming it on 'Karen' (nice pass/agg insult there, btw) isn't fair. She rightly wants to see her daughter and grandchild just like you rightly want to see your son and grandchild.

Accept they are adults with their own priorities and enjoy seeing them whichever day it falls on.

I am not toms mum. I am toms sister. Gemma and I are friends. She admits her mum is over bearing and quite demanding. I do however see traits passed down. Karen by the way is not horrible I never have said she is. She is a fantastic grandma and always friendly. She just has been a bit spoilt as in her husband bowls down to her. She is the boss. She has never had to work and thinks her family should be with her over others and doesn't like to see anyone else's view.

Not sure what you're asking here. Do you mean "why didn't they go to Tom's parents before this year?

I'm sure they wouldn't just turn up on Christmas day without prior arrangement.

I encourage my DD and her DH to do whatever makes them happy at Christmas. They are always welcome here, but it's entirely up to them. I can't imagine insisting that they do what I want. The only agreement they need to worry about is with each other.

I think Gemma is right in general terms (ie if you have divorced parents and your partner doesn't, you shouldn't get 2 years out of 3 with your family). However, the previous 9 years can't be ignored, so for that reason Gemma is on shaky ground.

It really is between them nothing to di with anyone else

I hate posts where people make up names. It makes me disproportionately irritated 😤😤😤

They should alternate - Christmas Day with Gemma’s family and Boxing Day With toms and swap the year after. Just because tons family have split doesn’t t mean they should get extra time

I used to go to my Nanna's every Christmas and enjoying my presents was very much part of it.

Gemma and Tom should go away for Christmas. The more Christmas threads I read the more I think everyone should go away for Christmas every year forever.

I am close with my family and wouldn't accept spending only 1 in 3 Christmases with them. There's not really a neat solution is there. I think if I were Gemma, I'd be suggesting every other Christmas day at my mum and dad's, and then alternating Christmas day and boxing day on the in-between years with Tom's mum and dad. So Y1 - Christmas Day at Gemma's parents', Y2 - Christmas Day at Tom's dad's, Boxing Day at Tom's mum's, Y3 - Christmas Day at Gemma's parents', Y4 - Christmas Day at Tom's mum's, Boxing Day at Tom's dad's.

Not sure about Boxing day on Y1 and Y3. Maybe a nice spa somewhere.

Gemma and Tom should stay at home. They can then host Karen and Mike every year with a rota for Tom's parents. - one gets main present opening, the other Xmas dinner and then the next year they swap over.

@Fargo79 if your parents were separated what would you do?