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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I don't have a clue how to handle this

29 replies

AnnOnimousLee · 26/12/2025 22:54

So a girlfriend (45yo) stays over at my 3 bed house at my invitation for Xmas to NYE following some recent hard times. My own DS (24) recently split from his GF, about whom I was not mad. He has his own place and a motorhome type contraption which he intended to stay in while he sorts himself out. I was worried it would be hard for friend if DS stayed in the house due to anxiety issues. In any case he is very independent and doesnt want to stay here, even for one night. I tried to organise some activities to make the post mealtimes less awkward. Board games, quizzes etc.All went ok.but I am shattered now and worried I won't sleep.

OP posts:

justpassmethemouse · 26/12/2025 23:00

I’m a little confused at what you’re trying to handle?

Lostworlds · 26/12/2025 23:01

It’s nice you’re being kind to your friend but is it worth it feeling so stressed about it all?
Your son has his own place, he’s happy staying there so i‘m not too sure what’s bothering you? It’s nice you’re arranging stuff to do but surely you don’t need to do something daily with your son and your friend? Could he do his own thing most nights and you hang out with your friend since you’ve invited her to stay?

DeathStare · 26/12/2025 23:01

Did you finish your post? I'm not clear what the issue is? Your friend is staying and you're exhausted? Sounds pretty normal. Not sure what your DS has to do with it if he's not there

tipsyraven · 26/12/2025 23:03

You seem to have handled it well. Having guests can be exhausting.

Thewovenform98 · 26/12/2025 23:12

I think op is possibly saying that thanks to her trying to make this holiday enjoyable for both her ds and her friend, it’s turned in to a bit of an exhausting trial for her

Op, if I may suggest, as long as your ds generally behaves well and you are not having to walk on eggshells around him, then I think your friend would have understood if you said you had to prioritise your son this year, because of his break up, and could she visit another time?

It shouldn’t be your responsibility to handle everyone’s feelings and make everyone happy. You are allowed some peace too.

But if you have to choose; then I think you should prioritise your son? Even if he is very independent and doesn’t want to stay the night, doesn’t mean he wouldn’t appreciate being able to talk to you privately op and hang out with you in a low key way.

Sarover · 26/12/2025 23:17

What’s the connection between what you’ve described, and not sleeping? Like other people I don’t understand what your dilemma or stress is. Have you missed out some information?

Original poster

AnnOnimousLee · 27/12/2025 00:11

I have been so tired it isnt true. Now going to give myself 15 more minutes of reading this then bed.
Ok so I posted a slightly rambling incoherent OP. I spent vast emotional energy catastrophising my DS perhaps not sufficiently masking his disappointment at his home from home having another person in it. He was so shy when he was a teenager he wouldn't speak at all at times and went through a period of being unable to talk to girls/women at all,partly due to attending an all boys school which was not my idea. He was always kind and polite though.

Then the friend has had big issues. I thought they might clash or not speak and Id be refereeing. You know, worrying about awkward silences while you are working on the food in the kitchen and so on.

Actually its all gone far better than I thought. We have formed a little unit and the board games weren't really necessary. DS did his fair share of washing up etc. and kept us entertained with music. This is the hard and embarrassing bit. I might be utterly wrong, to be fair I probably am (no social skills you see) but a small part of my brain is kind of thinking, shes a good looking woman, young for her age. Hes a good looking young man. Is there some chemistry going on? The stupid thing is I have zero evidence absolutely zero. I mean they seem to get on well, very well actually but so what? And if im wrong does that make me a total weirdo?

OP posts:

stonebrambleboy · 27/12/2025 00:17

Well I must be a weirdo too as I suspected this is where it was heading.

Original poster

AnnOnimousLee · 27/12/2025 00:26

stonebrambleboy · 27/12/2025 00:17

Well I must be a weirdo too as I suspected this is where it was heading.

Ok I can't really comment on you as I dont know you but if another neutral observer or better writer thn me (literally anyone) may well have reported a totally different version.
I know Im supposed to have powers of intuition but I dont. I really dont. Sorry

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnOnimousLee · 27/12/2025 00:26

OP posts:

stonebrambleboy · 27/12/2025 00:39

You asked if you are wrong does it make you a total weirdo. I think your suspicion about the chemistry could be possible. Two good looking people both a bit fragile thrown together at Xmas ??

Purpleharlow · 27/12/2025 00:52

I thought this was where you were going with the post too - that they’d gotten together or something.

Original poster

AnnOnimousLee · 27/12/2025 00:53

Is it possible to tbink well.nothung happens except:

A fragile middle aged woman with zero self confidence realises she is still attractive and feels better as a result
A young man also realises therr are upsides to a break up of a relationship.and that he can make someone feel appreciated with words kindness and skilful musicianship not the !Andrew Tate stuff ( do men in their 20s listen to him or only teenagers?)
A middle aged woman (me) stops being neurotic and realises her son is now a man, whom certain people will find attractive which is ok and healthy within the usual parameters

OP posts:

SyntheticFluff · 27/12/2025 00:56

You're doing a lot of analysing of something you don't even know happened.

WrylyAmused · 27/12/2025 00:59

For the love of god stop over thinking.

Everything you are worrying about is occurring in one place only: inside your head.

Leave it be and get some sleep. People, even opposite sex people, can get on perfectly well in a friendly manner without there being attraction there.

You were worried they wouldn't get on. They did. Now you're worrying they might get on too well.
Give your brain a rest, get some sleep and stop it!

Truetoself · 27/12/2025 01:02

I don’t think most mums would think fondly of their 24 year old sons hooking up with their 45 year old friends. Ewww!

Daygloboo · 27/12/2025 01:23

stonebrambleboy · 27/12/2025 00:17

Well I must be a weirdo too as I suspected this is where it was heading.

Yes me too. I thought you were going to say you went out and came back and found them in an embarrasing situation.

thetimehascomeandso · 27/12/2025 01:56

Is the campervan rocking?

Original poster

AnnOnimousLee · 27/12/2025 02:12

Daygloboo · 27/12/2025 01:23

Yes me too. I thought you were going to say you went out and came back and found them in an embarrasing situation.

Show quote history

God no!! Literally the only thing I can say js she hasnt stopped smiling since he arrived whereas she is usually quite downbeat and nervy especially around men.
He has no awareness of others positive reactions to him. DD said lots of her girlfriends said they didnt get how he just acted so cool in response to them flirting with him. He was a chronically shy teen.no self esteem. He now looks a bit like a certain American film star who acted opposite Samdra Bullock but in his prime. But he doesnt know he is good looking. Yes I know maternal bias.

OP posts:

HelpMeGetThrough · 27/12/2025 04:45

thetimehascomeandso · 27/12/2025 01:56

Is the campervan rocking?

If it is, the OP better not go knocking.

ArthriticOldLabrador · 27/12/2025 05:53

You sound like you need to unclench and have a good night’s sleep.

Thewovenform98 · 27/12/2025 07:35

Crikey! I certainly did not see where this thread was going! Talk about a drip feed!

Hope you got some sleep anyway op!

Not sure how I would handle that tbh if it is happening. It could be that your friend is just making an effort to be friendly to your son as one does with dc of friends?

But if you know something going on and you have absolute undeniable proof then I would perhaps be having quiet words with my friend along the lines that I would very much hope that I could trust her to not abuse my hospitality or betray my friendship in any way? I think the onus is on her to behave appropriately tbh.

I mean you can’t really do anything to stop it but I think it would be a pretty shoddy way of your friend to respond to your kindness having her to stay! I don’t have adult sons, just adult daughters, but I doubt I could continue to be friends with her in your shoes op if it happened.

SyntheticFluff · 27/12/2025 07:46

You can just say the actor 😆(guessing it's Rylan Gosling....or maybe Keanu Reeves?).
Anyway, maybe his loveliness has put a smile on her face, but unless you know for sure something is going on then what can you actually do? You'll look ridiculous if you start asking her, do you fancy my son?!

Owly11 · 27/12/2025 08:19

Why do you talk in riddles all the time? It makes it difficult to follow your thoughts or feelings. If my friend and son were flirting with each other all through a christmas i was hosting i would find that super cringy and annoying and feel like a third wheel in my own home. Why on earth did you invite your friend for such a long time? If my friend slept with my son they wouldn't be my friend any more. If your friend is crossing the line then she needs a boundary. But it is impossible to tell from your posts whether it is harmless banter or something more serious. Can you give some examples so we can judge better?

Twirlyhockey · 27/12/2025 08:22

They are probably just getting a bit of mild validation off each other at a hard time for both.

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