Telling ex he can't see kids

[Mumto21234]

trying to organise a schedule for when ex sees 2 young kids. He seems to be in habit of prioritising plans with everyone else then seeing kids as and when. I am looking to put a stop to this, and asked for dates and times of when he wants kids for next 5 weeks with plan of then falling into a predictable and consistent routine.

He is supposed to see them every second weekend, his choice. He has text dates for next 5 weeks and can't commit to seeing them every second weekend for bulk of weekend. I want to tell him his options are be free fully to see kids every second weekend, bearing in mind kids aren't doing sleepovers yet so hes free after their bedtime, or don't see them at all.

Is this unreasonable?

Want to avoid lawyers if poss as I don't have the money and I suspect he would ignore the letters etc initially.

Offer up times that suit you /your dc... Have them available.. Keep a diary if he doesn't show.
If he takes you to court you can show you have proposed a suitable schedule which he declined...
A bad habit is bending to him. He will expect this and kick off when you don't. You sadly can't make him give a shit
..

As above. Although I’d actually be prepared for him to go the other way and just not bother .

My dc is an adult now but when dc was 18 months I gave ex an option to walk away. I said either shape up and be available or leave dc alone because coming in and out of my child's life was not going to be an option. Dc dad never visited again. I had hoped that he'd step up but when I gave the options he didn't. Dc knows what I said and as an adult thinks it was the best option (to have either a dad that's there or one that's not). Having someone play mind games with a child must be much harder to deal with.
I'd set dates and say dc will be available at these times but don't tell dc incase he doesn't turn up. Before contact stopped with dc dad I used to give one hour after contact time and if he'd not arrive I'd go out so we hadn't wasted the day and ex could not mess me around by making me wait in all day. I documented every visit and every no show just incase he took me to court. Dc read it as an adult and it actually helped because dc saw I'd tried to foster a relationship between them.

If he's meant to have them every other weekend at certain time slots just reiterate that. Offer only those times, and stick to them. Don't swap and change. Keep them available during those dates and times and that's that.

Don't make plans for now while he's meant to have them, play it by ear just for a few months.

Each time he doesn't bother to have them jot it down factually.

At the end of the three months have a look at what percentage of the times he's been able to have them, that he's opted to spend time with them. Then go from there.

My bet is he will continue to just selfishly suit himself. Eventually as the kids get older they will cotton on to which parent prioritises them and which one doesn't.

....and use a co-parenting app so he can't change history

Great advice above.
Ciparenting app- if you end up in court your messages 9n here can be used as evidence. Our Family Wizard is court recognised.
Set times. Kids avaliable. Document when he doesn't attend or doesn't stick to the plan.
Watch over 3 months.
Are there any other concerns about his parenting?
Court can't make him consistent, so him gradually fading away his time, you sticking to the routine by making the kids avaliable... keep going for now.

I think i will go based on first weekend he says he will see them and tell him if he isn't available for every second weekend thereafter, as per his request, that he wont be seeing kids. I just can't have him pick and choose, especially for my eldest who is 2. I really would rather he commit to every second weekend fully, and cancel on others if it doesnt suit plans, or not commit at all. Instead I really believe he makes plans with whoever he wants to in advance and the kids fill in the blanks.

They don't deserve to feel second best which they are to him.

Nothing makes me angrier than this.

YABU because as shit as it is, this is not up to you. If he gets a court order, then you'll have to make the children available on his days whether he picks them up or not.

Surely a friendly arrangement works better for you too.

@Bearbookagainandagain I've tried the friendly arrangement for the last 5 months, he shows up late fairly regularly, was busy every weekend in December so seen them here and there when it suited and then requested only fortnightly and now can't stick to his own request? I don't know what else to do honestly.

If you just stop contact and he takes you to court, your reasoning won't look good in court (although I completely understand and see your point!).

Have you tried mediation? It provides a place with a neutral 3rd party to nake a plan, it can then be written up. It isn't legally binding, but again you can share your views in a safe place and help him see your concerns. It can then be shared in court that you tried and he didn't stick to the agreement to make sure he doesn't get more tome and to show the routine for the kids before court-mainly being with you. You can also use it as evidence for CMS if needed.

To help you understand how bad court is- the court found that my ex is extremely emotionally abusive to me, tells the kids adults issues, badmouths me to the kids and the court qas qorried that prolonged periods with him would affect mine and the kids relationship, doesn't always follow medical advice (both kids have medical issues) and had to be ordered to carry epi pens by the court as he admitted he didn't... still gets the kids 3 night every 2 weeks.

Mediation, make a plan with consistent times, make the kids available for those times and then carry on with your day. Do handover at a neutral location like a supermarket so he doesn't need to show up at your house, coparenting app, document everything. But I wouldn't advise stopping contact unless there is a safeguarding issues, and inconsistency isn't a safeguarding issue. But I know how much it hurts seeing the kids getting mucked around.

@Mumto21234 If you look at other threads about this on here, you'll quickly realise that there is nothing you can do. It's unfair, it's rubbish, but it's the reality in this country. No one can force him to actually see his children, even if he previously committed to it.

I guess a court order could play in your favor if he agrees to see them less often, but he is insisting on every other weekend then it's likely what he would get in court. But then you'll be really stuck with it, when now you can still negotiate with him.

I have no issue with him seeing the kids every fortnight, or more, at all and have made that clear to him. He doesnt want more time. I just feel less than fortnightly becomes less and less beneficial for the kids.

God its annoying!

You can't give him an ultimatum "show up every fortnight or you don't see them at all".
That just puts you in the wrong, which is a trap you should avoid falling into.

You cannot force a man to see his children.

Instead, make sure you get a text or email from him agreeing to X number of days & nights every other weekend (so you have evidence in writing), then make sure they are available and ready to pick up during that time - including still ready to pick up the second day if he misses the first day of 'his' weekend.

Also refuse him access at any other time - he gets his set weekends, no more, and no swapping around for other days.

Keep a record of all the time he has them and all the times he fails - jut in case you need to show it in court.

Putting it to him in the words you have used here wouldn’t look good for you in mediation or court.

It’d be U of you to refuse him contact on the next days in your sensible schedule, if he misses a weekend (or three).

Much better to do as PPs have suggested, use a recognised app and / or set out a reasonable, written schedule, with dates when the DC will be available for contact, don’t change the schedule to make them available at other times unless his request is infrequent and reasonable, then record what he does.

Thanks everyone ill stick to keeping kids free every second weekend and see how it goes.

Actually its changing with courts to not allow the parent to see the kid if theyre using the kids against them. If its detremental to the kids.

They are changing, I was in court April 2025, so it hasn't changed enough... yet. They just put it in the court order. Everyone- barristers, solicitors, other people in the profession- have all told me I was extremely lucky with my judge. The judge we had the court date before wanted to give 50/50 despite all the evidence. So it could have gone way worse for me.
Hopefully change continues to happen and the courts completely put the kid's needs first, rather than the parent's rights to see their child coming first.