MIL spends beyond her means

LoyalNewt · 2025-12-26T20:32:10+00:00

I have serious concerns about my MIL. I recently found out she has taken out a huge loan, but has always been a spendaholic and continues to live far beyond her means. She has never worked and her mortgage has been paid off by her EX-husband (after they divorced), but she spends crazy, like a good salary’s worth on her hair/nails/personal training/ massages etc every single month, has recently done significant (and completely unnecessary building work to her house). I have been with my wife for many years now and not once has my MIL ever put her hand in her pocket to even offer to pay when we have gone out to eat, although she brunches with her friends very regularly. The last straw for me was when for Christmas we went to see a show and then dinner after, which my DW and I paid for. Not only did she not even say thank you, but she made a couple of remarks that it wasn’t a show at a big West End theatre. Totally ungrateful and I want my DW to sit her down and get her to be realistic about her income vs outgoings. I have even offered to my DW I would do this but she said not to mention it. It’s unlikely her income from property covers her outgoings, and I am worried she’s digging a huge hole that eventually my DW and her siblings, and her ex will end up covering, and maybe she’s even possibly got this as her plan B. The rest of us work full time and live within our means, but could not possibly pay back this level of debt. AIBU? What can I do?

174ghxt · 26/12/2025 20:39

You can't change people. But you don’t have to dig her out of a financial hole if you don't want to. Are you concerned that your wife would dig her out and that that would inevitably affect your joint finances? What's your wife's attitude to such a scenario?

Original poster

LoyalNewt · 26/12/2025 20:41

Thanks. Yes, this is my exact worry. The loan is substantial and it would financially cripple us to take it on. And also why should we when we work hard and she has never worked and never bothered to. I have tried to warn my DW but she has her head in the sand and is scared to upset her mum

OP posts:

Hadalifeonce · 26/12/2025 20:47

I don't think anything you or your DW say will make any difference to your MiL's spending habits. But, you have to agree with your wife, that whatever happens you and she must never take on her debts. It could prove to be a thorn in your marriage, and cause problems for your relationship.

SpanThatWorld · 26/12/2025 20:56

Noone needs to cover her debts. She can reap what she sows if she runs out of cash. Her debts will die with her so noone else is responsible for them

MyFunSloth · 26/12/2025 20:58

As PP have said, you should sit down with your wife and say that her mum’s spending is her affair and you won’t intervene, but tell her you have a strict red line on any future bail-outs. In the meantime, stop taking her to the theatre!

Dearg · 26/12/2025 20:59

You can, and should, do nothing about your MIL.

But you are well within your rights to talk it through with your wife, and be clear with her that you will not subsidise her mother using joint family money.

But unless your wife has suggested this, be clear but gentle, as she may well be worried about the same thing.

There is no legal reason why you would be liable, unless you or your wife acted as guarantor on a loan.

berlinbaby2025 · 26/12/2025 21:00

I think you should try again to talk to your wife and agree that your wife won’t take on the debt in her name e.g being a guarantor or co-sign a loan. I don’t think you would but possibly she may?

By the way, without wishing to be morbid, nobody else will be liable for the debts after your MIL dies, unless someone legally takes on the debt. I would just leave her to it, but I appreciate that’s easier said than done. I’m wondering how she’s paying off the (increasing) debt with no job? A pension? What happens if she can’t pay her bills because she’s paying off loads to the debt or vice versa?

174ghxt · 26/12/2025 21:02

Tbh, if your wife isn't on the same page as you about letting her mother reap the consequences of her decisions, then the bottom line will have to be that your wife has to be more worried about upsetting you than her mother. It's a hill that I would die on. If you seriously doubt your wife's resolve, I would be looking at changing bank arrangements now so that no joint money can go out without your knowledge.

Original poster

LoyalNewt · 26/12/2025 21:06

berlinbaby2025 · 26/12/2025 21:00

I think you should try again to talk to your wife and agree that your wife won’t take on the debt in her name e.g being a guarantor or co-sign a loan. I don’t think you would but possibly she may?

By the way, without wishing to be morbid, nobody else will be liable for the debts after your MIL dies, unless someone legally takes on the debt. I would just leave her to it, but I appreciate that’s easier said than done. I’m wondering how she’s paying off the (increasing) debt with no job? A pension? What happens if she can’t pay her bills because she’s paying off loads to the debt or vice versa?

Sorry yes this is my main concern, but not very clearly explained in my initial post! That she can’t actually pay off her loan and will need to borrow more and more until she can’t…and then she can’t pay her bills, mortgage etc. DW and I both come from cultures where family is very important and we would help one another, but I just can’t fathom it. I’m also worried for MIL in terms of the stress on her from the size of the loan and not really having any way to repay it

OP posts:

BIossomtoes · 26/12/2025 21:14

her mortgage has been paid off by her EX-husband
and then she can’t pay her bills, mortgage etc

Make up your mind.

Original poster

LoyalNewt · 26/12/2025 21:17

BIossomtoes · 26/12/2025 21:14

her mortgage has been paid off by her EX-husband
and then she can’t pay her bills, mortgage etc

Make up your mind.

mortgage on her rental property/ies, which are her sole source of income

OP posts:

rebus · 26/12/2025 21:20

LoyalNewt · 26/12/2025 20:41

Thanks. Yes, this is my exact worry. The loan is substantial and it would financially cripple us to take it on. And also why should we when we work hard and she has never worked and never bothered to. I have tried to warn my DW but she has her head in the sand and is scared to upset her mum

You are right (and kind) to be concerned about your MIL, however, given that your DW doen't want to address this with MIL, your hands are tied in terms of helping MIL face the issue directly.

It sounds like this is the right time to begin to discuss and make clear between yourself and DW that you (and family?) will not be covering this loan under any circumstances long before anything might happen. Sounds like this needs to be firm and repeated so that there is no ambiguity whatsoever with DW ahead of time.

Might be a good time to dive into some level of detail, and make clear that any assistance your DW may want to offer needs to come from her own personal funds, and not 'family' funds, or based on how your family unit finance are managed.

You are not a co-signer or guarantor to this loan, and I hope your DW avoided being pulled in as well???

(EDIT: Saw your update wrt your family culture to help family. Perhaps discussing ahead of time with DW that you will not take on the loan, but if MIL loses her home, etc, as you are clearly concerned, that you can help provide a smaller amount so that she won't starve. While you won't cover her giant loan to keep funding her expensive house and current lifestyle, make clear your parameters such as being willing to provide a small amount toward groceries or heat or somesuch. If your DW is afraid to talk to her mom, getting this clear between yourself and DW is all that you can do)

BIossomtoes · 26/12/2025 21:20

Then she’ll just have to sell them and live on the proceeds, won’t she?

Endofyear · 26/12/2025 23:34

I think it's nice that you're worried about your MIL but this is not your problem to solve. It's really up to your wife and her siblings whether they're prepared to try and speak to her. If they're not then all you can do is make clear that you will not be helping her out financially when the loan catches up with her.

Howverycurious · 27/12/2025 10:23

LoyalNewt · 26/12/2025 21:06

Sorry yes this is my main concern, but not very clearly explained in my initial post! That she can’t actually pay off her loan and will need to borrow more and more until she can’t…and then she can’t pay her bills, mortgage etc. DW and I both come from cultures where family is very important and we would help one another, but I just can’t fathom it. I’m also worried for MIL in terms of the stress on her from the size of the loan and not really having any way to repay it

Edited

Show quote history

I thought you said in your OP that the mortgage was paid off by her ex?

Having a hybrid family can be a nightmare - some that work full time and others - that for no other reason - can’t be bothered to. The sympathy seems to always land on those that can’t be bothered to, and everyone has to rally around them because they can’t afford anything. Where the actual sympathy should land on those working full time, paying for their own lives but with the huge burden of trying to help the non-worker financially too. Those that don’t work, assume that those that do work have all the money in the world. Your MIL will have no issue with ‘working family’ members to sort out her crippling debt if needed as you’re rich in her eyes. As I said, it’s a nightmare!

How do I know this? I’ve lived through it. Sister on benefits, 50yo, 3 kids (2 adults, 1 teenager), has never worked a day in her life. Tax payer and family members have paid for her entire life plus her kids lives. But! Poor her, she has no money… so much so, my tax, my wages and now my mother is leaving her, her home and me nothing - no inheritance. Why? Because I work full time (I have 2 DC). I have a roof over my head (although paying a mortgage for another 15 years). But poor her… she left her council place, moved in with my mother, claims benefits, pays no rent, and will be left the house.

We are made to feel sorry for folk that don’t fund themselves. Lazy, work-shy people. They f**k-up families. Don’t accept your MIL’s debt. Don’t get involved with it at all. Stay clear. Just know, when the time comes it has absolutely nothing to do with you and your wife.

I detest ‘Hybrid’ families. This topic isn’t discussed enough.

TorroFerney · 24/01/2026 13:25

Stop taking her out and paying if it's irking you. That's the only thing you can control. Stop fretting about the possibility she will expect you to bail her out - cross that bridge when you come to it. You are just winding yourself up for nothing and if your wife is enmeshed with her mum then it will be causing tension between you. Your and your wife cannot make this woman see the error of her ways, it doesn't work like that - all you can do is enforce your boundaries, so don't spend on her for now and then don't lend her money if it comes to it.