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AIBU?

Knowing that my adopted brother is meeting up with my biological sister whom I've never even met?

16 replies

knockedgymnast · 11/06/2008 14:07

I have just found out that my adoped brother is meeting up with my biological sister for the first time tomorrow. I wouldn't mind but it has taken me twenty years to find her...The only reason he has her contact details is because she was a friend of mine of Facebook. Am I being unreasonable? My adopted brother seems to know more about my sister than I do and I hardly ever hear from them anymore. It just really upsets me. Do I need to get a grip??

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CarGirl · 11/06/2008 14:09

That sees very insensitive of them both, do you want to meet your bio sister? Have you asked her to meet with you?

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S1ur · 11/06/2008 14:12

Have you met her already? If not, then yes I think how your feeling is completely understandable.

I suggest you explain your feelings to your brother and ask him to be a little considerate of you. Can he change the date to meet til after you have?

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Chequers · 11/06/2008 14:12

Message withdrawn

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GreenElizabeth · 11/06/2008 14:14

Wow, that's a bit of a head-wrecker. They need to slow down and think about how hurtful this is for you. I'm not a drama queen and I'm sure you're not either, but this is odd and inconsiderate.

SHE should be trying to meet up with YOU first and anything else is bound to confuse you.

What are you supposed to think now.

I'd have a talk with your brother. MAKE him understand that this is hurtful and confusing. Do NOT pretend to be all cool about it. BEcause I think it is a strange thing for them to arrange. To cut you out of the loop. How else could you feel but hurt!

If your brother goes ahead and meets her, then don't let him off the hook. Let him KNOW that you're surprised and hurt by that decision. Otherwise it'll get more hurtful if they see eachother again and you have to keep pretending you're totally cool with it all.

I find Her behaviour really odd too! Is she not intrigued to meet you? does a biological sister not far out weigh some internet sprite on facebook (no offence to your brother, but you know what I mean here!) Their priorities are questionable.

YOU do not need to get a grip at all. I don't think a human being could react any other way than you have done. Any body would be hurt and confused by this.

I hope that they sort themselves out.

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alittleone2 · 11/06/2008 14:16

Message withdrawn

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RosaLuxembourg · 11/06/2008 14:27

I would be upset. As an adoptee myself, I know how fragile emotionally you can be when it comes to reunion with birth family and to have another member of the family wading in there ahead of you - no way!
Alittleone, let me assure you that you would in no way see your adopted siblings' bio relatives as standing in the same relationship to you. It is a very complex and sensitive area for most adoptees and bouncing into the middle of it like that is not on.
I think the OP needs to sit down and have a chat with her brother and explain her feelings. He is probably a little bit carried away with enthusiasm and hasn't realised the implications for her.

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barnstaple · 11/06/2008 14:30

Your biological sister was a friend of yours on facebook? You could have arranged to meet up with her yourself, couldn't you? Didn't you want to?

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madamez · 11/06/2008 14:35

Is the reasson they are meeting up because they fancy each other? It might feel a bit odd to you I suppose but as they are not biologically related it's not that unreasonable - would you normally want to crash in on a sibling's date?

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knockedgymnast · 11/06/2008 14:43

My biological sister and I first got in touch in September last year. We have tried really hard to make arrangements to meet each other. It has been difficult because she lives in London and I live in Lincoln. I did get an email from my adopted brother to say that he was coming down in a couple of weeks and he was bringing the "sisters" with him ( I have another sister whom I haven't met and both sisters live together). Amyway, then he emailed me (effective communication huh?) to say that in fact, they could not make it and they weren't coming down. I then get an email again from him today to say that he is meeting up with her tomorrow and "How are you"?

Alittleoneto, even though I have referred to my brother as my adopted brother, he is in fact my foster brother which means that "legally" we are not related.

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knockedgymnast · 11/06/2008 14:46

barnstaple, yes I did want to meet up with her and it was all arranged but for some reason it all fell through. Also we used to talk together all the time on the phone. I introduced her to facebook so that I could send her some pictures of our late mum, who we never met. It's confusing and the family dynamics are overwhelming.

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Upwind · 11/06/2008 14:49

My first thought was the same as Madamez'

I was surprised recently when friends of mine who did not know each other got in contact through facebook. They had liked the look of one another and got in touch... If they fancy one another best leave them to it.

Though I understand that it must be very weird for you.

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barnstaple · 11/06/2008 14:54

I'm sorry I misunderstood the situation.

I can see it must feel pretty weird and not at all what you expected to happen.

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knockedgymnast · 11/06/2008 14:58

I've no issue with them being in touch but I would have really have loved to have met both of my sisters before my brother did. Yes, I know that sounds petty but I personally think that he needs to butt out and let us all find our feet first. To make matters even more confusing, I also have two other sisters whom I have never met but the thought of meeting them at the minute, with all this going on, is just too much.

To be honest, the thought never crossed my mind as to whether they fancied each other. Perhaps that is what it is but how weird. The thing is, my sister is very vulnerable and very shy and my adopted brother likes to think he's a bit of a "ladies man".

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madamez · 11/06/2008 17:58

I think it is most likely that they are meeting each other because they fancy each other (what other reason would there be?) And it may be more of an undertaking for your sister to meet a birth relative than to meet a man who is no relative to her but who is flirting with her (that's a dynamic she can understand - attracitve man off internet wants date whereas 'meeting birth relative for the first time' could be far more frightening).

Though there is maybe something we are not getting here. Is your relationship with your brother difficult? Is there a history of him butting in on your stuff?

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knockedgymnast · 11/06/2008 20:17

Madamez, not at all. My adoptive brother and I have always got on. We have always had a laugh. It just seems strange that they are meeting each other but have made no effort to contact me, only to "inform" me.

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knockedgymnast · 11/06/2008 20:17

Madamez, not at all. My adoptive brother and I have always got on. We have always had a laugh. It just seems strange that they are meeting each other but have made no effort to contact me, only to "inform" me.

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