I can't cope with my mother

[tiredcat]

This is my first time posting. I'm not a mum so I'm sorry for coming on here, but I'd really like to vent to someone. Nobody ever responds on Reddit and I can't talk to anybody in real life either.

I'm home for Christmas and I can't cope at all with my mother. She has been the same way all my life, but for some reason it's getting harder and harder to deal with her hysterics. I'm 25 now and my mother and I can hardly spend one day together without a screaming fight. I know this makes me sound really melodramatic but knowing I'm going to have to face this every time I come home honestly makes me feel like life's not worth living, and whenever I'm home I feel completely overwhelmed and fantasise about hurting myself just to escape, even though I'm not depressed.

This evening, she became really angry over the fact that my father had asked me to pick up some fresh thyme the last time I was in the supermarket, which was about a week ago. I didn't really think anything of it at the time. My mother said that she had planned all of the dinners that we would be eating as a family over the Christmas period and none of them included fresh thyme, and she was furious that my father was trying to interfere with her plans. She started a huge argument and spent probably over an hour ranting and shouting about thyme, dragging me into the conflict by asking me repeatedly why I had helped my father to undermine her and ignoring whatever I said to try to de-escalate the situation. Her ranting escalated and escalated until I got frustrated and told her that the thyme wasn't a big deal, and she completely lost it. She started screaming at the top of her lungs, calling me a demon and a c-word over and over again until I lost it too and screamed back, telling her I thought she was disgusting.

Then, she went to her bedroom and I followed her and told her to give the Christmas gift that I gave her yesterday back (I regret this now but I was lashing out because I was angry.) She threw it down the stairs and I left. For the past couple of hours she's been intermittently silent and screaming that I'm a demon. She's claiming to my father that I punched her and beat her up (I never touched her) and that she can't hear out of one of her ears. She's also calling me an evil witch and accusing me of taking part in seances when I was at university (I never did), calling me a fat b-word, a demonic little b-word, and threatening to call the police and report me for beating her.

Just now, I went outside without a coat or anything, just to escape her for a minute (her shouting is extremely loud), and she locked me out of the house, then stood in front of the glass door goading me while refusing to let me back inside. She opened the door for one of our cats and when I saw it was open I hurried towards her to try to get back inside because I was freezing and she shouted to the neighborhood at the top of her lungs that I had just assaulted her. I was nowhere near her, I couldn't possibly have touched her. She eventually let me inside the house again, pretending that she was too scared to come near me because I'm a dangerous demon.

I know the hysteria and name calling and false allegations are going to drag on for days because they always do; she has episodes like this all the time. I go through this every single time I come home but I feel like I'm reaching my limit now. My father says I shouldn't be so upset by her calling me a c-word and a demon because that's just the way she talks. It really upsets me, though, especially because she genuinely considers herself a devout catholic. Sorry for how long this post is, I just wanted to rant but I'm genuinely considering calling the police sometime soon and telling them everything. She has a long history of violence and when I was a child she used to throw me around quite a bit whenever she was angry but my father says it wasn't as big of a deal as I think. My brother gets really frustrated with me whenever I fight back, and he and my father both say I need to just shut up and deal with it quietly. They think I've completely overreacted tonight. AIBU to be totally unable to cope..?

OP you have been utterly, utterly conditioned by your mother - who is completely enabled by your father and brother - to be afraid of her, afraid of upsetting her. Until you can find the strength to stand up to her, and ignore your father and brother, you'll be subject to this behaviour and treatment.

And I suspect because of that treatment all your life you are an easy target for others too, including your flatmates.

What can we do to help? When does your tenancy end? Financially how close are you to being able to get your own place?

Thank you but I'm not sure whether she really is. When I've tried to discuss the abuse with my father he's called me 'woke' and said I provoke it... I told him I was asking for advice online and he said I was probably manipulating the facts to make my mother look worse, so I have no idea what the truth is honestly. Sometimes I wish she would physically hurt me so I could have some actual evidence but she hasn't hit me since I was a child, and wishing for that makes me feel like my father's probably right about the idea that I'm intentionally making myself out to be a victim...

I think standing up to my mother would get the police called, and I'm scared of what she would say to them. I'm afraid of what it might mean for my job if she tried to accuse me of something. Re the current situation with my flatmates, I'm really not sure to what extent I am to blame. Maybe I've been really unreasonable and they have every right to insult me... I have no way of knowing.

Money isn't too much of an issue for me at the moment, so if I could get out of my tenancy I hope I could find somewhere else to rent quite easily. The only reason why I moved into my current flat is because I couldn't find anywhere else at the time and I was desperate for somewhere to live. Edit: I forgot to add that the tenancy ends in June...

You are not being unreasonable. You are so young still and the positive of that is that you can try to fix the situation now so you don’t have an entire lifetime of this to put up with.
Firstly don’t worry about her telling your work or family etc and twisting it. You’ll be surprised how much people can see through people.
Secondly the situation with your hose mates doesn’t sound ideal but is fixable. It sounds like very common housemate quarrels. You could start by texting on of them and saying something along the lines of “look I’m sorry for my part in all this. It’s got out of hand and I’ll do my bit just want to smooth things over”. Or words to that effect. You don’t even need to mean you’re sorry but for the sake of a safe space of your own just put your pride to the side.
Thirdly set some boundaries. You don’t have to tell your family they could spend you set yourself or you could tell them “if it feels like an argument is going to arise going to have to leave”. “If you call me an insulting name again I’m going to leave”. Whatever you feel comfortable with.
And lastly please know it’s not you who is the problem. Your mother is. And your father for enabling it. Your brother has been conditioned. Your aunt has stepped away probably for her sanity too. You cannot choose your family.
There are lots of account on social media who discuss low contact/ no contact. Plenty of podcasts Mel Robbins etc. and as much as I dislike ChatGPT it has some solid advice with practical tips when it comes to this
You’ll be fine, your flat share will work out. Join some clubs, classes etx to make new connections xx

Get her out of your life. You don't have to put up with her unreasonable behaviour. Don't think you have to either tolerate her or try to fix her. Make your own life, and choose to leave her behind.

I think you need to cut contact. You can't go on living like this. Your father sounds as bad in his own way.

Jesus christ. I'd rather spend Xmas alone than with that woman. She clearly needs help and your DF and DB are enablers of her behaviour. What an awful, toxic environment. Just go home!

So sorry op for the way you're being treated by your mother especially, she's clearly v mentally unwell at best, but as you say very hard to deal with or get her help when she won't and sounds like your brother and dad will minimise everything for a "peaceful" life... as they have probably been doing all their lives...

I agree with poster above re maybe try to resolve flat share issues purely for your own peace, then look for somewhere else.

Wishing you a peaceful and a happier 2026.

Oh sweetheart, you've been abused all your life by these people and you're scared to cut ties. That is really understandable, because abusers condition their victims to believe they can't manage without them and that they'd be all alone and it'd be worse for them if they leave.

If you can afford it, it might help you to get some therapy for yourself, or see if there's a local low cost charity, to help untangle these patterns and the impact on you and figure out what you want to do.

Thank you for all your advice. Setting boundaries is hard because she always claims that I start all the arguments and that she only ever calls me names in retaliation (this isn't true, I have zero desire to start fights with her just to make my own life horrible), so when I've tried to give her warnings she just laughs at me and there's nothing I can do. My father backs her up, too, and says I should be nicer to her, but I've never ever insulted her first. I've only ever talked back when she's pushed me to breaking point.

My brother thinks if I break contact with our parents I'll just be continuing the cycle of dysfunction and abuse in our family, and if I don't let my future children etc have contact with my parents I'm pretty sure he'll cut contact with me completely. I think if I were to go low contact/stop showing up I'd be ostracised completely and I'd have to spend the rest of my life without a family.

Thank you very much, I appreciate it.

Families can be so hard as dynamics get set and people just ignore behaviour that they would never accept anywhere else in their life. I suggest you spend 2026 building up your own support network of friends. You won't change your mother but can improve your own life.

Thank you for your message. Actually, I was having therapy up until quite recently but I think I didn't explain things very well because it wasn't very helpful... The therapy was mostly for anxiety and I thought it had helped a bit but as soon as any sort of conflict arose in my flat I started feeling like I was on the verge of a total nervous breakdown again... now this has happened at home and I'm a complete mess, I'm pretty much back where I started and breathing exercises etc do absolutely nothing

Your mum needs a psychiatrist by the sound of it. By the way that you say maybe I deserved to be called the B word its makes it sound like you are used to the abuse. I'd get away from your parents home and go to your own. Try and resolve issues with your house mates. As one who was constantly frustrated that I was the only one keeping the house clean it is pretty annoying when people don't do what they are supposed to be doing but I'd never call any names. It sounds like you need some peace. Surely you don't have to stay till June you are able to give notice and leave.

Was it CBT by any chance?

It may seem scary now the option of low contact but you’ll be surprised how many people do it. You don’t have a large network of people at the moment but neither did I at 25. Now at 44 I have developed a family and network of my own and to do that you’ll need to get stronger to not accepting the abuse you get.
The boundaries thing is hard for sure but it’s just practice and consistency.
I know you’ve mentioned you had therapy but it sounds like it may have been CBT/anxiety based and this is not necessarily helping you practically. It takes a few goes to find the right therapist for you. It’s important you tell them at the start that you want practical examples of how to deal with the emotional abuse you receive. You’re not alone I promise but it’s finding help first. Mumsnet seems pretty good for this kind of advice.

1. This is what Mumsnet is for. Don’t apologise.
2. your mum is not normal
3. you have endured this and will need counselling to unpick the damage and heal or might choose an abusive partner one day
4. your dad should stand up do you.
5. YOU NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM HER
6. you are worth more than this.

Genuinely, this is what mumsnet is for - you’re getting advice from lovely mums who have experience. You deserve more than the parents you have and I’m glad you’ve come here and asked for advice. There are wise contributors here. Please consider their advice

Oh god, OP. I am so sorry. What an awful situation.

I think your mum sounds mentally unwell tbh, but it's difficult to say.

Either way, you are being subjected to abuse that you do not deserve. Your brother and dad are caught up in this too, clearly they are also victims but they are now enabling her behaviour too.

It is extremely irrational- unhinged even- to behave like this because somebody bought a spare packet of thyme.

All I can offer is - turn your attention elsewhere. Look outwards. Create your own world, your own circle of people. You're not the only one that doesn't have a good birth family... I mean that kindly. It can be done- you can have a happy life and a family of your own one day, if that's what you want.

Hey OP..I have read all your updates and I am so sorry you are dealing with this.However all I can see is what you can't do, not what you can do. What you can and must do is get away from this shit immediately. It is beyond fixing by you and thats not a critisism its a fact. Your mum needs help badly and thats not down to you.You need to take responsibility for you and fast.You are 25 right? arguing with flatmates etc is not the end of the world,go apologise put things right or move out...your 25 you need to get a grip..you could be married with kids and all this perpetual drama wouldn't be acceptable then. You ,my love are an adult and your life going forward is down to you and only you. You can be a victim or a success and in order to do that you have to let go of things that do not serve you well. I am not trying to be mean in any way,please forgive me if it sounds like that but the next moves in your life are down to you. Are you going to damage you and your life further by subjecting yourself to all this or are you going to do yourself the biggest favour ever by escaping and truly living? You might need help to do this but you get to decide..have a think on what your future should look like and work towards it..this could turn out to be the best christmas you ever had if you choose to prioritize yourself going forward. I wish you well.

I'm not really sure but I think she was using things from CBT... it was private and I didn't really know how to choose a therapist so I just went with the first one I found who had availability.

Thank you, that's reassuring and I'm glad to hear you have found your people. Re therapy, I don't know if I'd ever do it again to be honest... it was enormously stressful for various reasons, and even though I felt like it was helping me cope with things week to week I ended up feeling lost and abandoned at the end. I don't know if I'd want to get into a relationship like that again and I'm not convinced it was healthy for me

Thank you so much. I'm very grateful to everyone who has commented (I haven't replied to all the posts because I didn't want to spam the thread but I have read them all!)

Hi OP. I'm older than you but have recently escaped a similar situation. I wish I'd done it sooner.

There's much to think about, but the urgent ones are:

Get out of your parents' house as quickly and safely as you can. If you have to just walk out with no reason, do it. Call a taxi if needed - an Uber or similar where a driver won't share details with your parents. Please focus on this part for now; nothing will change while you're still there. You're scared and upset right now, rightly so - get yourself to a space where you can breathe.

Get back to your flatshare. Taxi if possible; this is a time I'd throw money at the situation and have beans on toast for months if needed. I've done similar journeys, and wrestling with luggage/tears etc at big busy train stations was a LOT. If you're on train/bus, people will help. Let them :)

Back at flat - it sounds like no-one else is there over Christmas. This is ideal, as you can re-settle into the space, check chores like bins etc before having to deal with anyone. I'd recommend having your phone off so that your parents don't get through, but I know this is difficult.

Rest tomorrow, have bath/hot shower etc, treat yourself like you would someone with the flu. A couple of chores though - you don't need to scrub the flat spotless, but do make sure it's a decent space for your flatmates to come back to. And I'd recommend doing a big supermarket shop if delivery is possible where you are. Set up your bedroom as a cosy, safe space. Get pizza, chocolate, whatever your treats are. Line up TV/films (I find Poirot or Dad's Army or similar very soothing in the background while I read, haha)

Later, when you're a bit more settled, ask your flatmates about a chore list or schedule or something you can all see/put up in kitchen etc. If they're nice overall (i.e. just annoyed because they thought you weren't pulling your weight), they'll be fine with it. A chore app might be better; you could have a look at a few.

If your flatmates are bullies, though (i.e you did annoy them about bins/chores etc but they are happy to have an excuse to pick on you), then you're leaving. Two options here:

1. Leave now - obviously depends on money, but doable. You'd break your lease, but that's not a huge disaster. Personally I'd put my mental health over my credit rating; I've had to do that several times in the past and it's always preferable for me. Safe space (and hot water, heating, quiet) etc is so so important for those of us who've grown up with parents like this.
2. Leave in June. Also doable, and with the advantage you have plenty of time to look for a really nice place with the features you need (e.g. walking distance of town, a small garden, on top floor etc). List what you need in a safe, comfortable haven - I need light, for example, and have found I fare much better by the sea than in cities. And another advantage of this option is no damage to your credit rating etc.

If you leave in June, aim to spend as much time out of the flat as possible until then, doing nice things (cinema, library etc) for mood boosts while also settling your nervous system a little. This is your time for thinking where you might like to live, hobbies you might take up or whatever. Or not - I have spent six months indoors because that's what I needed at the time.

Apols for wall of text - but the above tactics were hard-learned for me, and I wish someone had told me about them at 25. They're neurodivergent- and c-PTSD-friendly also.

Godspeed.

And to add:

Your flatmates are being assholes playing radio all night, regardless of any arguments. It's bullying. Leave now or in June, but limit your time around them.