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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn’t want to host DILs parents ever again

27 replies

Lorieo · 26/12/2025 18:17

Hi, my DS is in his late 20s and recently got married. His wife is French-Italian, was raised between the 2. Her mum passed away when she was in her early 20s, her dad who is Italian is still alive and close to her.

Anyway DIL prefers to celebrate Christmas itself in the UK, her reason is that she feels like spending it in Italy or France is picking a side and she ends up feeling some form of guilt even though she only has distant relatives alive in France now. DS and DIL instead do Christmas in the UK, New Year Skiing in France and go to Italy for the start of January and Epiphany where her grandparents host a big meal for her. This is important to DIL and as a result DS, her mothers death was incredibly traumatic so we try to make Christmas as comfortable for her as possible.

This year she asked if her dad and his new wife could join us for Christmas. As always they hosted a wonderful Christmas Eve feast (genuinely one of the highlights of Christmas for me) and then on Christmas Day we hosted them. I think we had a lovely day, both DHs parents and my parents joined, DS2 spent this year at his girlfriends but we had a lovely time. We are a bit outside of London so cabs had to be booked in advance. We opted to book them for 9pm which upon reflection might have been a bit late.

DHs issue is DILs step mother doesn’t really speak English and while her dad does speak some English he isn’t fluent. I personally didn’t really find this to be an issue, yes it slowed down conversation as often DIL was translating but they are lovely people, brought lovely gifts, we’re all too keen to help with cleaning up etc.

DH says he absolutely doesn’t want to host them again, DIL had mentioned to me that they plan to come over every other year which actually works really well for us if they do as DS2 comes to ours every other year so they would be on alternating years. DH said he felt the conversation was too stunted, he didn’t feel he could relax and as we know DS and DIL are thinking about children he also said “and I don’t want to share Christmas with the other set of grandparents”. He has said he’s still happy to do the Christmas Eve Dinner that DS and DIL host but isn’t interested in having them here on the day.

Personally I think this is quite unfair, I don’t want to miss out on a year with DS, DIL and any future grandchildren just because DH struggles with the language barrier. DH is neurodivergent and I do understand that change, new people and the overstimulation of many people speaking in different languages at once.

I can see an argument for them arriving a tad later and leaving earlier (they arrived at 10:30 and didn’t leave until 9, maybe 12-7 would be less pressure on everyone).

Do you think I’m being unreasonable to say DH is being quite selfish and potentially pushing DS and his wife away over what is a small issue in the grand scheme of things?

OP posts:
OkWinifred · 26/12/2025 18:21

Yanbu at all and yes he is being extremely selfish. It’s one day a year!

Catza · 26/12/2025 18:21

Well, he can always use the next two years to learn Italian...

A shorter visit sounds like a good compromise.

NearlyMonday · 26/12/2025 18:21

I can see an argument for them arriving a tad later and leaving earlier (they arrived at 10:30 and didn’t leave until 9, maybe 12-7 would be less pressure on everyone).

I agree a shorter day may be easier when there’s a language barrier and I do think your DH has a point

FetchezLaVache · 26/12/2025 18:23

He has said he’s still happy to do the Christmas Eve Dinner that DS and DIL host but isn’t interested in having them here on the day.

Well, that's quite the generous compromise, isn't it? [sarcasm, btw]

Of course HIBU. That's his son's family now and the language barrier works both ways. It will be one day every two years. Over time, they will learn a bit more English and he will learn some Italian and between you all, you can make it work.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 26/12/2025 18:25

and I don’t want to share Christmas with the other set of grandparents

Does he not realise that if he is unwelcoming to her parents and they feel they have to see them and you seperately then in all likelyhood DS DIL and any GC are quite likely to spend the alternate year with the other GPs and not you?!

Original poster
Lorieo · 26/12/2025 18:31

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 26/12/2025 18:25

and I don’t want to share Christmas with the other set of grandparents

Does he not realise that if he is unwelcoming to her parents and they feel they have to see them and you seperately then in all likelyhood DS DIL and any GC are quite likely to spend the alternate year with the other GPs and not you?!

I genuinely think DH is saying he’d rather not see future grandchildren at all every other Christmas Day than share it with DILs parents? Which is absurd to me!

OP posts:
JonSnowedUnder · 26/12/2025 18:35

He's probably just feeling a bit worn out, I would struggle spending the whole day with 2 people I didn't know who can't speak English. I'm sure if you give him a couple of days before you discuss it, you will get a different answer from him. Bit like when you take young children to a restaurant and they play up and you say 'never again', obviously you don't actually mean it but you don't talk about a repeat visit the day after.

mindutopia · 26/12/2025 18:40

10:30-21:00 is an awfully long day for visiting when you aren’t especially close and there is a language barrier.

You just need to set better boundaries and expectations next time. Arrival for 12:00, push them on out the door after a brisk walk, coffee and chocolates at 17:00/18:00.

cantbearsed247 · 26/12/2025 18:40

As he is ND it sounds like it's all a bit full on for him and with grand kids too he feels it would be x10. I think a shorted day definitely make sense and maybe he needs the option for a time out at some point - could he pop to the pub with just DS for a quick pint or something like that (if there's anywhere open near you).

I don't think he's being selfish at all, even though they're lovely he's obviously felt awkward all day - so some compromises need to be made.

HappyFace2025 · 26/12/2025 18:42

Really unreasonable of your DH especially once DGC arrive. I spent a number of Christmas 's with DPs French family so I have been in the position of DiLs parents. I can assure your H that the difficulty with language is what they experience when someone like him makes no effort and/or is impatient. Those Xmases I endured (with little assistance from DP) were no fun.
I do agree with pp that a shorter day will work better for everyone.

venusandmars · 26/12/2025 18:43

I hate the idea the the future Christmas arrangements are being planned, and seem so fixed (however they end up being arranged). If your ds and dil ahve their own dc it might change how they think about things. Don't get wound up now about something that might never happen.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/12/2025 18:44

I'm on Team DH here. They are in-laws and you need some boundaries.

DIL's parents are very nice people. DS and DIL are very welcome to spend Christmas with them. They are very welcome to spend Christmas with us. And equally they are very welcome to spend it alone.

The baby will be here next year. They are presently living overseas and I expect DIL's parents will go at Christmas.

I shall be avoiding drama and overwork altogether.

sciaticafanatica · 26/12/2025 18:45

Google translate to keep the conversation flowing

HollyhockDays · 26/12/2025 18:48

As my dad would say you’re taking a breath out of tomorrow’s air. They may not want to come to you, your son might not want to come either.

Theslummymummy · 26/12/2025 18:49

I don't think not hosting dil parents is pushing son away no. Not sure why it has to be every year they come over. I can be once or twice, but not every time. If he doesn't feel comfortable hosting I wouldn't push it.

Theslummymummy · 26/12/2025 18:50

Lorieo · 26/12/2025 18:31

I genuinely think DH is saying he’d rather not see future grandchildren at all every other Christmas Day than share it with DILs parents? Which is absurd to me!

Show quote history

Why?

HappyFace2025 · 26/12/2025 18:50

sciaticafanatica · 26/12/2025 18:45

Google translate to keep the conversation flowing

It doesn't! Just slows it down even more when DiL is translating anyway.

VWT7 · 26/12/2025 18:56

Yes to the shorter day, good idea.
If your DH is ND - would he take well to being made in charge of something for the day? - so he has a project, he is totally in charge of doing all the drinks for everyone, planning, buying, setting up, preparing, serving, keeping topped up - giving him something to occupy himself (so he is ‘busy’)?

I don’t know if that would work?

Applespearsandpeaches · 26/12/2025 18:56

I’m not sure you need to work this all out on Boxing Day when everything is fresh and everyone is tired. Take each year as it comes. Is there any point arguing about something which is by the sounds of it at least two years away? There’s a lot of things that could happen between now and then that makes the whole argument irrelevant. Just park the conversation for now.

Shedeboodinia · 26/12/2025 18:57

You have a whole year to work in him. Don't bother discussing it now. It's all still raw. He may over time remember it as a lovely day. And also maybe you could make it a shorter day.
We have done really long xmas days all together but this year we did a 1.30 till 5.30 and it worked really well. Early dinner then everyone home to chill. Just say next year it will be more dinner at 2 and desert, presents then finish by 6.
A full day with relative strangers is tiring. Also for them it may have been too much also.
You have a whole year to eork on DH so just leave it until feb.
I also thought PP jdea of learning a little italian could be fun. Grandchildren would likely be multi lingual and so it could be a fun thing to do for future and also make hosting them more enjoyable.

Phlfz · 26/12/2025 19:03

He sounds fairly uptight but it is his Christmas and he's entitled to spend it how he likes. You'd think he'd love spending time with his son and dil more than he hates feeling slightly uncomfortable but obviously not.

Communication is a bit stilted and difficult with a member of my in laws family because they have learning difficulties. But I would never choose not to spend time with them just because it means I have to put a little more thought into it, or have the conversation run exactly how I want it.

I wouldn't be impressed with him if it was my dh but like other posters have said, maybe it'll never be a problem. By next year they might not want to come, or if they do your dh might have changed his mind.

Tryagain26 · 26/12/2025 19:04

NearlyMonday · 26/12/2025 18:21

I can see an argument for them arriving a tad later and leaving earlier (they arrived at 10:30 and didn’t leave until 9, maybe 12-7 would be less pressure on everyone).

I agree a shorter day may be easier when there’s a language barrier and I do think your DH has a point

What point is that?
To be unfriendly and inhospitable at Christmas.?
He will have no choice but to share the grandchildren if you have them. They will also be their grandparents. And it is perfectly possible to communicate without speaking the same language especially just for a day.
I do it regularly with my daughter's I laws and I am also trying to learn their language because it is part of my grandchildren's culture. Perhaps he could think about doing that?

Pennyfan · 26/12/2025 19:05

I think he needs to loosen up about it. I thought you were going to say they were ghastly and rude-but they're perfectly nice people. They don’t even stay overnight-it’s a meal and an afternoon/evening. Can he not see that being welcoming would mean a lot to your son? Remind him of the Spirit of Christmas and tell him you didn’t realise you were married to a grumpy old man! There’s always Google Translate.

shhblackbag · 26/12/2025 19:10

cantbearsed247 · 26/12/2025 18:40

As he is ND it sounds like it's all a bit full on for him and with grand kids too he feels it would be x10. I think a shorted day definitely make sense and maybe he needs the option for a time out at some point - could he pop to the pub with just DS for a quick pint or something like that (if there's anywhere open near you).

I don't think he's being selfish at all, even though they're lovely he's obviously felt awkward all day - so some compromises need to be made.

Agree with this. I'd also hate Christmas being planned so far in advance in general.

Sunshineo · 26/12/2025 19:19

It sounds lovely.

Would Dh cope better if he could excuse himself for an hour to regroup? Just thinking if he is overwhelmed/overstimulated it might be good for him to give himself ‘permission’ to step out.

Would you and Dh consider learning Italian and get DIL to encourage her df and dsm to learn English?