To be mad at my in-laws?

[Whyarepeople]

I feel so bad for DH. FIL has Alzheimer's, early stage, still fairly ok, though clearly getting worse year on year. MIL has always been really weird about Christmas and in previous years she and FIL have spent it travelling - that's fine, that's their choice. Then last year they spent Christmas day with DH's brother and his wife - not a problem. A few months ago I suggested to DH that as they seem to be open to spending Christmas with relatives, he could invite them to ours for Christmas. They've never spent Christmas day with us, FIL is getting worse, kids are getting older, seize the opportunity. So DH asked and MIL said FIL can't manage it. Instead they would meet with us a few days after Christmas to go shopping with the kids. Given that this is actually more difficult than just coming for Christmas dinner it seemed an odd choice but we made no fuss and assumed they'd just have a quiet Christmas at home.

Not so. We rang Christmas day and they were at BIL's again. For context, BIL lives exactly the same distance away from PILs as we do (in the opposite direction), so it involves the same amount of travelling. So WTF? If MIL had said 'oh sorry I've said to BIL I'll go to theirs' that would have been at least honest. I spoke to DH about it and he seemed so sad that they didn't consider that it might be nice to spend Christmas together before that stops being feasible/possible. I can't get my head around it. I'd love to ask MIL wtf was going on there, but DH wouldn't want that. He doesn't feel able to talk to her about it.

To clarify my kids are teens and are very easy to get on with, so wouldn't be difficult on Christmas day. BIL doesn't have kids.

AIBU to think they've been really thoughtless?

I suspect they had already agreed to BILs and were embarrassed to say they were going again because they went last year or embarrassed to say they wanted the peace of a Christmas without kids (of whatever age they are).

You may be right. I think the issue is the total inability to be straightforward and just say what the issue is. It's the lying or the skirting around things that causes the problem.

We have the same issue with my mil we have asked every year for 19 years. First of all it was she wanted Christmas in her own house, fair enough, still asked and told no then she went to his brothers for Christmas we thought oh she might come now, no still wouldn't come. She spent 2023 and 2024 on her own still wouldn't come to us. So this year we didn't ask her as we wanted Christmas on our own for the first time since we bought our house 20 years ago and shes cribbing to anyone who will listen that she wasn't asked anywhere for Christmas.
We can't win so we've stopped trying
Merry Christmas

We have this sort of behaviour too. I don't understand it and I find it so frustrating.

Nice to come across the word 'cribbing' for the first time in a long time - I only ever heard it in Ireland (where I'm from - live in England now).

But why is it a problem? They are trying to be polite in saying no to you. It is still a no if they say no outright or make an excuse trying to save your feelings.

It's a problem for DH that his parents don't want to spend Christmas with him. I think most people would find that pretty upsetting.

The obvious answer is that they don’t want to spend Christmas in your house and/or with one or more of you and/or eating your food. All of these things could be a them problem rather than a you problem, so I would try not to take it personally.

Of course it is a problem. Why can't they be straightforward. A no outright allows you to know where you stand. Excuses just get caught out and make you feel worse. I can't stand adults who can never be honest with the pretext of saving feelings. They are not worried about saving feelings. They are just thinking of themselves and do it to make themselves feel better, and not about the person in the receiving end

The thing is, they'll be with us a few days after Christmas, eating our food and staying in our house. I'd love to find out why in particular they don't want to be here at Christmas but it's impossible to talk to them about anything.

TBH I'm sick of their casual disregard for DH's feelings.

I fully understand. And the fact they aren't honest means he can't really have an honest conversation about it.

Exactly. If there was some issue, maybe we could fix it. If it wasn't a fixable issue, then we'd accept it (within reason). It's the vagueness and the dodging that feels really underhanded - I know when DH rang and realised they were at BIL's he was really surprised but he hid it :(

Honestly, I would have no qualms asking. They’re not my parents, the in-law relationship is different and affords more freedom. I also wouldn’t be bothered if they squirmed and found it uncomfortable: that would be no worse than how they make your DH feel with their obfuscation and (frankly) lying. It’s a legitimate question to ask, so that you know where you stand going forward.

I’ve had to put my MIL on the spot before, when I collected DD from her house after an afternoon of babysitting. DD (toddler) had clearly been crying - any parent knows when their baby/toddler has been crying. She refused to tell me what had happened, she refused to admit DD had been crying, she just lied to my face, outright. I heard afterwards from SIL that DD had been stropping because MIL had reasonably stopped her from misbehaving/behaving like a spoilt brat and DD threw a toddler tantrum. MIL didn’t want to tell me in case we said DD couldn’t be left with her again. DD now a teen and a lot has happened since, but it was the lying and obfuscation that was the issue. She might feel able to treat her son like that, but she - nobody - treats me like that. It’s disrespectful, hurtful, a waste of my time, causes problems. The same goes for this: perhaps your MIL has entirely legitimate reasons for not coming to you at Christmas, but she doesn’t get to lie and dodge the issue because doing so causes problems for others. She is saving herself discomfort at your expense. That’s not ok, that’s not reasonable adult behaviour. All it takes is a short, non-confrontational conversation. It’s not a big deal.

I would love, love, love to talk to her about it. But if I did there's every chance she would stop seeing us entirely, which isn't a choice I can make for DH, especially as she is the person who 'manages' FIL so it would mean not seeing him either.

Maybe mil thinks you have the kids and a normal family Xmas while BIL doesn't have kids and may be lonely ? (I dunno)

Then she should say this! Perhaps then dB can be invited as well? Unless they are honest you can't have these conversations