To even consider trying to become a mum?

[ThrowawayUsername123]

My situation in short is that I’m 29, don’t own a home, I’m not in a relationship and have some pretty deep rooted fears about that after a sexual assault. I also have MS which is largely manageable at the moment aside from the utter fatigue, and I also can’t ignore the fact that ultimately it’s a progressive disease.

I’m an auntie and I have two godchildren and they are truly the light of my life. I’ve gone from being ambivalent about having children of my own, to over the past 18 months or so becoming absolutely desperate to be a mum. The festive period has been difficult as it’s so centred around children, and I have a pit my stomach of just total longing. My stomach literally clenches when I see pregnancy announcements on social media, or when another friend tells me her news.

I need some honesty here I think. It’s not going to happen for me is it?

It can happen if you want it to and focus on finding a partner

Despite the challenges you mention. Have you sought advice / help for the impact on your mental health from the sexual assault.

It still might happen for you.Why not look at what you do have.I know that old chestnut.If you don't end up having kids there will also be positives to that.It's bloody hard work doing it on your own, that's all I can tell you.

I don’t think it’d be fair for you to choose being a single mother.

You are only 29! Focus on you and your own mental health - there will be very little time and headspace for that once you have a baby

Sorry, I ment bloody hard work doing it alone.

29 is young and MS is so variable that I don’t think you should rule anything out. However in the spirit of hoping for the best while planning for the worst I would only have children with a partner you utterly trusted to take good care of them if you become significantly disabled in a way that would impact that. So if I were you I would work on your feelings about relationships and look to build that foundation with someone.

If it helps to know, I know two wonderful parents with MS, both of whom started families in their 30s post diagnosis- one with very mild effects not visible to others and the other became quite disabled. Both gave their children wonderful childhoods. Money helps with that if there are health wobbles so maybe also work on getting good finances in order!

I'm so sorry to hear you feel like this. It sounds really tough.

Gently, with all the challenges you have on your plate it would be irresponsible to bring a child into the middle of that. It just wouldn't be fair on them.

Have you had access to counselling to help you deal with your trauma? Unprocessed trauma may be a contributing factor to how you are feeling now.

I really hope you find some peace and healing.

I wouldn’t. It’s not fair on a child. (I have an MS style disorder).

Just be a lovely auntie. 💐

MS is genetic. You are well now but ME is progressive, you are likely to become a wheelchair user whilst a child is still growing. MS affects risk perception and that in itself is worrying with a child. There will be lots of positive people on here who will say go for it but the reality is that it will be very hard for you and unfair on a child or your family who inevitably have to step in are care for you and your child. I get it, I felt the same when I was your age but this is your hormones talking not common sense. Sorry, I want to honest. I had a sister with a disability who felt the same, but it was family that had to care for the baby and her. It was very selfish and hasn’t ended well for the child.

Hmm

I think that you would need to ensure your community is strong - ie childcare, people who can help during a flare up, enough money for when you can't work/have the relevent uc and pip in place

Do you rent from the council?

You can do it - support will be the big thing for you with the ms, imo, but you definitely shouldn't deny yourself this 🥰

I really do get this. And I don’t have the ‘village’ people talk about, only really my own mum. My closest friends (and my godchildren) are all hours away, and I think realistically that means to have a child of my own isn’t fair or manageable. But it’s a bloody hard pill to swallow.

I wouldn't plan on being a single mum with ME. Sorry.

I rent privately at the minute, which is another factor in feeling not particularly secure I think.

I think you’re right- the support is the thing that would really make the difference, and unfortunately for me it’s not there

I’m having counselling at the moment- I think I’m in the ‘getting worse before it gets better’ stage where I’ve let a lot out that I wasn’t fully aware I was holding, if that makes sense.

I think I know deep down I can’t have a baby the way things currently stand, but changing them seems so difficult. Thank you for such kind words x

I'm glad you are having counselling and support for your trauma. Do you see a regular neurologist for your MS?

Before considering children- either alone or with a partner, I'd speak to your specialist and also a genetic counsellor. I don't know enough about the condition, but thought that having children could potentially worsen MS- in addition to potentially passing it on. A close friend decided not to have children based on these 2 reasons. She is nearly 50, teaches yoga and physically doing very well- currently. My friend at school's mum had MS and by the time we were 11, her mum was permanently in a wheelchair.

My circumstances are different OP, but I'm also childless. TTC 12yrs, lost 3 and no medical reasons found. I have a very happy, rewarding life- its just not the family I'd always had in my mind. xxx

How old is your mum? If she's on board and capable, she could help you for the first 7 years ish?

My mum left me with my grandparents but my nan was in her 40s.

However I did think it's just your hormones kicking in. Plus if you're fatigued NOW, a baby and toddler will absolutely wipe the floor with you.

Hi at 29 I was newly divorced in a shared house with an ok but not brilliant job. By 40 I was pregnant with DS2 married and a home owner please breathe and say yes to daft things and opportunities you dunt know where they will take you.

56 now own a different home and have 2 wonderful young men and a lovely husband and a great (not perfect by any means) home

Sending you love DO NOT PANIC xxxx

I do, I have a consultant and an MS nurse. I’d need to stop taking the treatment I’m currently on if I wanted to get pregnant, and resume it after the birth which would come with the risk of relapsing. But from a (years ago, and purely speculative) discussion with my consultant, the research shows that the actual pregnancy shouldn’t make things worse, and the chance of passing it on to my child is something like 10 in 1000. I think my main worry would be the natural profession of the MS, and if that’s fair for a child to witness when I know about it in advance.

I’m so sorry to hear about your losses, that sounds incredibly painful. I’m so glad your life is happy xxx

As yourself how will it serve you to have children? I did. I could find no reason,

My mum is 65. We never, ever talk about my MS as she finds it upsetting, she was devastated when I got diagnosed.

She does know how desperately I’d love to have a baby, and she’s made throwaway ‘I’d help’ comments, but I don’t know on a serious level how she’d feel about it. I’d also hate her to agree out of a sense of duty (which she might) if she didn’t genuinely want to. I guess it’s worth a proper conversation.

Your point about fatigue and a baby and a toddler is something I think about a lot- I just don’t know if I could physically do it and that’s the big fear.

My heart goes out to you, it really does. Your mum is too old to help at 65, properly, for the next 20 years or so. Having a child is a 20+ year project. They could end up in care, or as carers themselves. I know it is not really an answer but what about an assistance dog? Put your heart into training it to pick up stuff and generally be very well trained. I know that is not the answer but would be a distraction.