To think this is weird and I should just ignore it?

[LoyalSquid]

Backstory is i've been working for a public sector organisation for almost 6 years but i'm a contractor with a different employer.

I started just before covid with a working in the office job which became WFH and continued that way.

From the start I had a lot of difficulties with some colleagues and the way the organisation was run. I felt I was being bullied at times but also witnessing bullying.

Earlier this year, the organisation wanted everyone back in the office part-time and my employer supported me in not doing this due to a long-standing disability which improved WFH. The organisation agreed to this.

There were also non-essential team meetings, as in a smaller team I was part of not the wider organisation teams which for years had been relentlessly awful and i'd raised this multiple times with my supervisor in the organisation who sympathised about how terrible they were but did nothing to address the problems.

So my employer told me to just say I would no longer attend as I didn't need to and they were effecting my mental health. Later in the year the supervisor from the organisation actually put a stop to these meetings as recognised they were so awful, negative and people were being treated badly.

But essentially that 'team' still exists as an entity and they had their Christmas lunch last week. I was invited but declined because I think most of the people there are toxic bullies and I have stated this on numerous occasions.

After their lunch, the supervisor texted me and said the team had made me a Christmas card during their lunch and she wanted to drop it round to my home so I would get it before Xmas.

I was really confused by this and couldn't think of how to respond so just ignored it and she later texted to say she'd post it.

WTF? is that not incredibly weird? the supervisor has form for in my opinion being a people-pleaser who doesn't actually manage anything but in the last few weeks has been IMO trying to make me change my mind about how awful these people are and I think this is part of it.

I know i'm going to come across as rude for not acknowledging it but don't know what else to do. If I say what i want to say, i'll seem even more rude!

So AIBU to just pretend it hasn't happened?

That is weird I wouldn't have acknowledged it either

Thanks :)

And the card got lost in the post.

Have you received it?

Definitely weird. YANBU

I don't know, it's not that hard to respond blandly to say thanks and have a nice Christmas. It's not a bad thing that they're sending you a card, it's fine not to have wanted it dropping off at your house, but you can't - and presumably don't - spend the whole time at the level of wanting to say rude things, so no reason to be rude by ignoring the messages. If this is the supervisor who was sympathetic, if ineffective, then they're nice enough and trying to do something nice, so I don't see the point in pushing things from a more cordial place (the xmas card) to a colder place (non-response). You can keep your distance going forward as you have been doing, but unless your employer is going to move you to contract at another organisation, I'd keep things polite and pro and just have said thanks. By not replying, it feels more emotional and adding to the issues.

No, and am dreading it.

I don't want any kind of card from these people.

The main bully IMO who was rude AF to me at first, then seemed to think I was the best thing since sliced bread and I was a little fond of her for a while till I realised she was still bloody horrible to other people. So as i no longer have to see her in these teams meetings, I no longer have to complain about her because I dont see her. But i hear other colleagues complain about her and her behaviour was the reason the regular 'team' meetings were stopped.

But bizarrely, the last time I saw the supervisor in person she said 'Pat (not her real name) sends her love, she really misses seeing you. And I just didn't say anything because i've made it really clear this woman is a bully that I don't want anything to do with.

It makes me dislike the supervisor because they've acknowledged numerous times how dreadful Pats behaviour is and they hope she'll leave but still cosy up to her. I know they're a people pleaser and probably trying to make their own lives easier but it just smacks of lacking integrity to me.

I get what you mean and that's why i've been feeling conflicted but I really couldn't make it clearer how much I dislike some of these people and how awful their behaviour is that I feel like if I say thanks, it's engaging with it and the supervisor could see this as a way to invite further comments or contact.

Because I recognise it's difficult for them to have a member of 'their team' who wants nothing to do with the team and it would be more comfortable for them to think it's alright really..when it isn't. It reflects badly on them, and it should.

Can you just be professional and polite about the card? Sending a one or two line group email to the relevant people saying something like “Thank you for my hand delivered card. Happy Christmas”. It doesn’t really change anything does it?

What are their motives do you think?

It could be that the Supervisor knows they are not effective enough in their position and feels guilty and this is their way of trying to make up for that?

Or your name came up at lunch and someone decided to write you a card to cover their backs legally so they are not accused of isolating or bullying you, especially given your disability?

Or they all know that they don’t run things well, and as you are the one pointing this out, but are protected by working under a different employer, you are a threat to them, so the card was a sop to that and an attempt to bring you on side?

I don't want to be professional or polite about the card because they're toxic people I don't respect professionally or like personally.

I think it happened because a couple of people asked me why I no longer went to the meetings and I said they were effecting my mental health. Which was true. But the reason was because they were so toxic and negative and there was bullying going on.

I didn't want to point fingers so acted in what I thought was a professional way.

So I think the supervisor has capitalised on this and the rest of the team think i'm some sad mental person who would love to see them were it not for my mental health. Because they don;'t want to address the terrible behaviour.

In my opinion, if someone said 'let's make her a card', the supervisor could easily have said let's not because it's weird! or if they didn't feel comfortable saying that, could have just let them do it then not contacted me about it.

So that's why I find it not just weird but a bit offensive really.

It's putting me in the position of looking rude or mentally ill when it's simply that I don't want anything to do with these people because of their dreadful personalities and behaviours.

It just doesn't sound that sustainable to have an ongoing non-contact cold war. Even though you work remotely and have a different employer, it's toxic enough that a simple Christmas card can create this angst. I'm not saying you're wrong and that they aren't the cause of the problem, but I wouldn't be able to see myself staying in that role if this was the reality of the situation and you couldn't find a milder mode of detached comms without fear of things spiralling again.

As I say, not engaging feels like a bigger deal to me that's more likely to escalate, rather than communicating and then not having this playing on your mind over Xmas. But if you feel sure of your choice to ignore it, then forget about it and angst not. The worst thing is to have chosen to ignore it and then feeling the fear anyway, and if it's that bad, I'd be looking for another position (within your own company).

Tbf people are always being told to reach out to those with MH issues at Xmas and it sounds like from their POV, that's what they're doing, even if that's partly because they're not self-aware about the impact of their past behaviour on you. There's obviously a huge gulf between your position and theirs that can't be crossed either by a card or the work/support systems that have let you down. Your feelings about them are so strong that you're going to see this as weird, offensive and calculated to cover their arses. Their feelings may be so oblivious that they thought it was a nice gesture and your silence will only add to their concern and/or sense that you're isolated. And now you're dreading the card arriving, which is no way to spend today. If at all possible, maybe make a NY resolution to move on from this in one way or another so you don't have to deal with them any more.

It's not a cold war.

I literally have no reason to ever have anything to do with these people unless it's related to our jobs, in which case of course i'll act professionally and do my job.

It doesn't really happen professionally because the 'team' was just an assortment of people who are all external contractors lumped together because we're not part of the main organisation. We have completely different roles and professions but some of them like being part of 'a team' and consider themselves part of the wider organisation and I don't and don't need to.

I have no reason to see them, hang out with them, send them cards or get them.

I won't be contributing to leaving cards or whatever unless it's people I actually work with day to day and like.

And I wouldn;t expect or welcome, cards from people I don;t.

tbh you sound pretty rude and very hostile.

Good advice, thanks.

To be fair, I'm not the only one who has had problems with these people and the fact the general meetings were stopped demonstrates that. And there are a couple of people in that team who told me they wished they could stop going before they were stopped.

I was just the one that drew the line in the sand and said no. Then it got so bad that the supervisor had to actually stop them because of the appalling behaviour but still cosies up to the main offenders.

And yes, it's shocking to me that people in the public sector working with vulnerable people have so little self-awareness and have managers that enable that.

Oh i'm aware i'm hostile because I spent years in a toxic environment where the managers did nothing to address it.

We'd be in terrible meetings with no real purpose where people would be relentlessly rude, negative and toxic about things which were not about the purpose of the meeting and the supervisor would be texting me saying " they just won't shut up, I hate this" and sending me memes of someone jumping off a cliff or banging their head against the wall.

But if one of them had a flash of self-awareness and said "well, that isn't really for this meeting, i'll stop moaning" the supervisor would say "no, it's good to offload and get support!"

I spent years having most of my week ruined because there were different weekly and once a month meetings and the two days before, I was so anxious about how terrible it was going to be, and the day of, spend 1.5 hours in a horrible meeting watching people be treated like shit to the point it ruined my entire day then the next day processing it or just being elated it was over.

But I was never rude. That's why all the toxic people apparently like me so much they made me a card!

It all sounds batshit. I'm curious about the organisation!

But being professional and polite is doing those things because you don't want to, not because you do want to. You're not just professional and polite just because you believe someone is deserving of it.

It sounds like a not great workplace, but your posts also very much come across as you being part of, rather than just a neutral observer of, the toxic system. If you're not saying thank you for a card because of how toxic and negative you see them to be, you're also displaying the kind of behaviour you are annoyed by.

I find it strange and honestly quite patronising.It feels like some kind virtue signalling, pretended pity?
I think the whole idea shows a lack of respect for boundaries.

I don't want to be potentially outing but a similar situation would be a school. And there are external contractors like a school nurse, mental health workers, speech and language, police officer, social worker and so on.

And all of those people are in a 'team' supervised by a senior teacher. Just because those people are external contractors employed by different organisations, it;s not a 'team' in any sense of the word and the supervisor has no knowledge or experience of the roles she supervises, but is by definition their line manager in the school.

But not their line manager in any other sense as they're all employed by other organisations.

Possibly. I appreciate your input.

But I feel like it's not my job to make people feel good.

'Pat' in particular knows she's an absolute asshole to people but doesn't seem to want to change it and the management does nothing to make her and in fact, will cosy up to her and excuse her behaviour.

As do most people. I've heard it all since i've been working there. Oh don't take it personally, she's like that with everyone. You just have to ignore her. She knows her stuff so that's why people put up with her shit. Yeah, she's a pit-bull but she can be really kind too. She prides herself on being the pit-bull and she's way ast retirement age so the organisation have been hoping she'll leave for years but she sticks around.

After being an absolute asshole to me at first, she started kissing my arse and the supervisor actually said to me, she's so much better with you in the meetings, she agrees with everything she says when if someone else said it she'd savage them. So I attended meetings for a while because I felt emotionally manipulated and yes, Pat was lovely to me but an asshole to nearly everyone else.

So ive drawn a line in the sand and said no, she's a bully and I don;t like bullies so I want nothing to do with her.

Other people seem to want to go along with it and accept her bullying as a shadow side of a complicated personality and i'm not.

So i don;t want a Xmas card from her or the other toxic people.

I'm not going to email them and say thanks because I dont mean it.

I don't think thats unprofessional because I should have never been put in that situation in the first place by the supervisor who knows my stance on these people.

Which is why I didn't respond when she asked if she could drop it round. Because my response would have been a) thats weird, why are they making me a card? and b) why would I want a card from people you know I think are toxic bullies?

So I said nothing and will continue to say nothing when I receive it. And I have to sit with people thinking i'm being rude but I think it would be lacking in integrity to say thankyou.