Choice of side plate , who was unreasonable

[BeMintFatball]

I brought to the table the wrong side plates for Christmas cake. Mum told me she could not eat cake off plates she would use for her breakfast toast.

She wanted specific side plates with spots from the lowest shelf in the sideboard. Asked daughter to get them as I have mobility problems. Daughter who has learning disability got out the plates with flowers. Those also wrong. Mum insisted on the spotty plates.

Despite causing me a lot of pain I got the desired spotty plates and told my mum what a pain in the arse she was being. Mum sounded all childlike but Christmas is only one day a year .

Vote
YABU its Christmas that’s when the spotty plates are used. Make your 88 year old mum happy

YANBU Does it really matter , all the plates were clean. Cake would taste the same no matter what pattern was printed on the crockery.

If your mum is neurotypical, then she’s being fussy. It’s fine to have a preference but in the circumstances you’d described I’d suck it up.

Wouldn’t pander to this kind of crap.

a plate is a plate.

it wasn’t she ‘couldn’t’ Eat cake from it - it was she wouldn’t.

her choice - fon’t like the plate - don’t have cake then - totally pathetic and unnecessary fussing.

Life is too short for this type of fussing.

I have special plates etc for certain uses but I wouldn't expect people to be running around accommodating it, especially if they had additional needs/physical ailments.

If she wanted a specific plate, she should have got off her arse and fetched it herself. What a ridiculous thing to make fuss about, is she usually so awkward and pedantic? She might be 88 but she should be aware that it's not easy for you and make allowances accordingly. She must know it's painful for you to get it for her?

My family is mostly not NT and we don't come up with this sort of nonsense. Any plate will do!

I'd have told her to get her own plate or go without cake...

If she's put loads of thought into hosting, then she maybe would just get hung up on silly details. At 88, she quite probably has overthought it all, and would find getting the plates out physically difficult. I wouldn't get too bothered - let DD have time to find the right ones.

Elderly people can get a bit like this, but that doesn't mean she wasn't unreasonable. Of course she was completely unreasonable - cake tastes the same on every plate. Well done to you and DD for trying to do the right thing, though.

Its not difficult to get the plate she wanted, she was clear which one it was. Yabu.

She is dictating to you about what plates to use?! In your house?! This is so rude.

Probably her way of trying to control you and make you second guess yourself. Don't let her! If she does this again, refuse to entertain her pettiness.

Surprised replies are unanimous in my favour. Genuinely thought it would be an even split.

Mum could not get the plates herself. She walks with a frame and needs carers in 4 times a day.
She has always had set crockery for certain times of day. Add into the mix special cups for Easter ( got daffodils on) She even has a special mug for when my eldest dd visits her. No special mug for DD2 who has additional needs though. From Mum’s point of view having to accept carers has meant compromise. I think she was enjoying having things done her way.

From my point of view. We had packed up the car with the dinner to be cooked at mum’s . Husband had cooked the turkey the day before. I had done all the cooking at Mum’s single handedly because that was my way of coping. Plus mum’s groceries for the coming days. DD2 is mentally very unwell at present signed off sick from work. I had to help her get dressed yesterday because her mind is in that much confusion. I’m on my last fucking nerve . Mum should have put herself in my shoes.

Try re-reading the OP when you're sober...

I have preferences for certain plates and mugs for certain things, even cutlery. But I wouldn't force these into other people (for fear they would think I'm batshit.) I would just silently eat my cake whilst thinking it didn't taste the same off the wrong plate 😂

I like to use specific plates too but I’d make sure they were out and ready, especially if you have mobility issues and your DD might not understand. She should have just got them herself, unless SHE also has mobility issues then she needs to move the darn plates!

Agree with this. There are worse things that happen at sea, than not having spotty plates.

I have particular cups for tea and coffee, so I’d be quite sympathetic to someone wanting a particular plate for their cake. It makes no difference to taste and in the wide scheme of things is neither here nor there, but if I could I’d have got it for her.

@mondaytosunday your reply has given me the solution for next Christmas. Ask the morning carers to get the required plates out before the visit.

@daffodilandtulip have to admit I’m with you on cutlery. We have a rogue fork that somehow got into the house. I blame DD1 partner from the time he worked in events. It was the last clean fork this morning. I used it to get the dog’s food out the can. The handle is all sorts of wrong. I should bin it but when you’re down to the last fork my laziness to wash a good one overrides my discomfort at wrong fork 😂

My DS has just pointed out that your Mum also has special needs as the pattern on her plate ruins the taste of her cake. So let's consider everyone's special needs here.....

Sorry but I understand this 😂

For the life of me I can’t drink wine or water from a cup!

I also like to use certain side plates for certain things - it’s hard to explain but it’s just a thing

Not sure I would have pushed it since you have mobility issues tho

She's 88, it's her special Christmas Day cake plates, so I can understand wanting the right ones. It is also hard having carers make assumptions and doing things their way and not her preferred way in her own home day in, day out, so I can see why something so small seemed important to her.

I can also understand your being on your last nerve.

I would have expected DD to return the floral plates and have a second go at selecting the correct spotty plates.

I understand this too. Basically, her kitchen items need to be moved to make them more accessible to you all - there's no point storing things in places that none if you can access!

Sorry you're having such a tough time op.

Madness.
Id have told her if she so badly needed cake, why would it matter what it was served on🤔.
Was is specially homemade with pretty homemade decorations? I’d have been able to eat it served from my cats dish😻.

I would normally accommodate such a request at Christmas because I know people can get a lot of pleasure out of specific traditions, even if they are a bit fussy or ridiculous. But if I didn’t feel up to it I would just have told her, “sorry, these are the plates we’ve got today.” May be with a “you’re welcome to go find one of the ones you really want if it’s that important to you.”

What I think is foolish (and I’ve come to this conclusion by being foolish myself on too many occasions) is putting yourself out for that sort of thing and then resenting it. Do it and take pleasure in pleasing your guest, or don’t do it.

Before my mother was in a home, she told one of my siblings off for using her best plates. The sibling replied that when else was she going to use it. She wasn’t going to have a dinner party. She already had 4 carers coming in a day.

Duplicate post.

@VeggieParishLunch your son could well be right . My mum grew up in war time Britain. Growing up on the outskirts of East London children had to go to school with a gas mask. My mother frequently forgot. The consequence was standing in a corner with her back to the class. The standard of her education was poor and maybe additional needs went unnoticed. She has never been able to grasp numbers. But her spelling skills were amazing.