Christmas

[LemonadeLou]

I need to know honestly from strangers on the internet AIBU?

Long and short of it. Bad few years for us as a family, he lost his job, I kept him motivated and happy. Paid for most things as he was struggling, he took a new job which I wasn’t excited about as it meant working nights and sleeping days (I work part time, care for my peg fed teen and the care that comes with that, do majority of housework and we have a toddler) so this meant more strain on me. Him starting the new job meant I paid for our youngests birthday party last week (first one we’ve done so hired a hall, paid for decs, paid for bouncy house, he did pay for food mind which I prepared with a slipped disc) and paid for 90% of the children’s presents as he wasn’t paid until last month after starting new job. Today I woke up to a pair of ill fitting pjs and some earrings from Etsy with a receipt for £10. He did well off me and the kids. I am not talking about monetary value but he has had an amazing pay packet this month, is due a lumpsum (different story) in January and I just felt no effort. His mum brought me more and he spent more on her tbh. He did cook dinner as he gets to be child free for a few hours whilst I deal with the kids and hosting his mum. I did the washing up and cleaning. I’m upset he just didn’t think I deserved anything more. He said it’s my fault for not having hobbies (I dont have time for hobbies!) and I had asked him for a photo frame with out kids but he forgot. We’ve been together almost 10 years so not like he doesn’t know what I would like. I’m not an expensive person but a bottle of Prosecco? Perfume? Voucher for a spa day? Nothing. He’s annoyed that I’m annoyed and honestly I feel like crying which is pathetic at 35 years old. Anyway, am I being a total brat about this? Happy with answers either way.

sorry, maybe not short story after all!

I'm sorry you've had such a rubbish day. It sounds like he hasn't shown you any appreciation for all you have done and continue to do. Is this just today or is he like that in general?

Hi thanks for replying.

Ermm he does tell me a lot he appreciates me, sometimes I will remind him that I do a lot because I’m a stresshead by nature and he isn’t so I tell him why I am stressed, not mature I know. He tells friends how amazing I am and how I do so much. Told the kids how lucky they are to have a mummy that puts all the effort in. He just is annoyed that I haven’t given him specifics and I get that, that’s my fault but I never treat myself and hate asking for things. For example, step mum asked me and I asked for expensive shampoo and conditioner I have ran out of and won’t spend it on myself. Total of £9 🤣🤣

Maybe he is embarrassed secretly so when mentioning it, he is defensive but I want him to feel bad? Is that awful?

It's not awful. You're only human!

But it sounds like overall he's a good'un but has zero imagination when it comes to presents.

I know it feels a bit neglectful but you've had a tough time of late and it sounds like he knows you're a team.

You deserve another glass of fizz!

He isn’t a bad person. It’s birthdays he is like this. The best was my 30rh when he brought me a steam mop. We couldn’t use it on our floors but “it had bathroom attachments” 🤣
he got other people lovely thoughtful gifts like his mum had a personalised calendar with pics of our kids, couldn’t he have added 2 to his basket! If he had felt bad and said he would treat me next month I would be annoyed but i think it’s the whole. “It’s your fault for not having hobbies and not telling me” that got me. Was sad I was sat there watching him and the kids opening presents when I had 2 which I had already opened. I don’t have family either so that’s it for another year for me 🤣

Aw I could wring his neck. You sound so lovely x

Thank you 😊 I am no angel and sure I wind him up with my stressful being and nagging about his dirty washing laying around but I do so much and expect so little and was excited and actually expected some effort today. I know to not expect anything good again 🤣

enjoy the rest of your Christmas, or the whole 28 minutes left 😊. X

Its difficult to say. Im not great at gift buying, even for people i know really well. I know this about myself so i ask for a few ideas i can choose from. This way its somewhat a surprise, but people end up with something they like. Im currently single, but when in relationships i always agree a budget to make sure we are aligned and on the same page. I've come across people who say 'surprise me' but when you're like me that is the most stressful thing i could ever hear 😱

yeah totally understand. If someone has no hobbies then what do you get someone who doesn’t treat themselves to give ideas. I just thought a calandar too, the picture of the kids I wanted but he forgot or even a promise for a long overdue date night arranged. Maybe I am being a bit unreasonable . Xx

You say it's not about money, yet list everything you've paid for (it's your money and not family money apparently) and then say what the earrings cost and that he did well off you. I can't say I'd want any money spent on me more than you've had anyway, when he's been out of work and going through a bad time. Is the eldest child not his, if they're a teen and you've only been together ten years?

*bought

That’s a Fair point. No teen isn’t his. But has brought him up as he was. I guess my point was how supportive I am with paying for everything and lending him money and then he gets a cracking pay check and didn’t think to get me something meaningful when we agreed we would spend a certain amount and I did and he didn’t. I have used most of my savings to support him and the family and have all the stress of the house and children and me paying for Christmas gifts and parties. Would have been nice to have a little something extra because for once he thought I deserved it. He treats himself but I don’t but that is a me problem and I know that. Money is separate because he has more than me. Joint account for bills and mortgage and then own accounts for our own.
happy to own if I am being unreasonable though so thanks for supporting the other side, I’m not thinking I’m always right 😊

also, meant not about money as in don’t expect designer bags and expensive gifts. Just something meaningful considering he asked me for all of his gifts which added up in the end .

I personally don't get the whole his money/my money set up, especially when it doesn't seem like it's working, as in your case. You're resentful having to pay for things and want more spent on you and seem to think that would show his appreciation, which is fine if that's how you feel. I personally would want someone who'd want to wrap the kids presents or make the Xmas lunch because I'd been doing dinner for months, or gave me a back massage. Does he do anything to show he cares?

You are not being a total brat. He is the brat, he sounds ike an annoying teenager. So you have to do everything, including supporting him whilst being jobless but when you are rightly disappointed he pouts and gets defensive blaming you for not having any hobbies.

He thinks telling everyone how much you do is his get out of jail card. If he really cared, he would do more, support you more and choose thoughtful gifts. Putting effort into his mother's gifts but giving you two generic gifts and buying you a steam mop for a big birthday - says he sees you as a mother figure.

You deserve more.

ive mentioned it would be easier joint but he says I spend money on silly things so doesn’t want too. I’ll drop £20 in B&M every other month or so 🤣 which is fair he shouldn’t pay for that but I don’t go out or spend on myself and it’s usually nick backs for the house or treats for the kiddies. Wasn’t so long ago before our youngest was born I was earning more than him so guess it’s a touchy subject and he’s within his rights to not want to waste money?

I wrapped all presents and bought them.
he will rub my feet from time to time or pop the Hoover around when I’m tired from work but he doesn’t go out of his way often to show me he appreciates my sacrifices over the last year or two. I guess I am being a little bratty for wanting a bit more today.

ohh and tbh he does the bedtime routines because I’m touched out with kids so I’ll do the dishes and he does that 90% of the time. He’s a great father so I know he isn’t a total knob.

I was heavily pregnant on my 30th so he didn’t know what to get me which I could use. Vomiting the whole way through so no meals, obvs no alcohol and I was so tired and sore so I can see he would have no idea what to get me at that stage in his defence x

Sorry OP how can you defend a 'steam mop' for your 30th birthday when you were heavily pregnant. Like I said he sees you as a mother figure.