I’m currently pregnant with our third child, and we’re back in the UK for Christmas. I live in Santa Barbara with my American husband and our two boys, 8 and 6. We’ve been here for eight years and have built a life we love, with good jobs, a house, friends, a community. The boys are happy and thriving. This is what they know, not the UK.
Visiting my parents is emotionally exhausting, and this trip has been especially hard. My mum is extremely judgmental. She criticises everything, how I parent, what the kids eat, how I discipline them, even small everyday things. She has joked repeatedly over the years that I’m a “terrible mother,” which has made me anxious about nearly everything I do around her. Honestly, I don’t even want to tell her I’m pregnant yet. It’s still early days, but my bump is slowly showing. I’ve been trying to hide it with loose clothing and pretending to sip wine at dinners, just to avoid her criticism or subtle digs.
This Christmas is particularly tricky because it’s the boys’ first time here in winter. We normally visit between April and October, so they aren’t used to the cold. We’ve been out a lot for walks, which they’ve enjoyed, but they’ve occasionally mentioned that it’s cold, just small, innocent comments. My mum immediately called them “spoilt”.
She also complains that the boys have American accents and says I’ve “failed” to give them any British culture. Nothing I do seems enough. She criticises the smallest things, how they use cutlery, how they greet people, the schools they attend, even what they eat for breakfast. Even innocent comments like asking for a jacket or saying it’s chilly get framed as “spoilt” or “disrespectful.”
I’ve even had a miscarriage around this time last year and I didn’t want to tell them about it. It’s not that I didn’t want their support, it’s that I didn’t want to be judged, criticised, or made to feel I’d done something wrong.
Growing up, I went to boarding school and felt abandoned, which left long-lasting scars. I grew up very very privileged but also with a lot of lingering issues. I’ve only recently started therapy to process feelings of inadequacy and rejection. I’ve always been seen as the “failure” compared to my three siblings, who I get on very well with. They seem to manage our parents without the same anxiety or judgment, which makes me feel isolated. I love my siblings and we are close, but it’s hard not to feel like I’m the one constantly being scrutinised.
The emotional weight has been overwhelming. Most days I’ve spent trying to hold myself together for the boys and my husband. This is kind of normal when visiting my parents, but pregnancy hormones make me more emotional and sensitive, and everything feels amplified.
A few days ago, during dinner, my mum launched into a full lecture about how “dangerous” it is raising kids in America, politics, school shootings, healthcare, and said we should “put family first” by moving back to the UK. She even mentioned houses she’s found in Surrey, saying we would “see sense one day.” My dad added that life would be easier in England and that we’re “making it unnecessarily hard” for ourselves. I tried to explain that the boys are happy, safe, and thriving here, but nothing I said mattered. I ended up just leaving it and letting them have their say.
My husband helps me navigate all of this as best he can. He hates coming to see my parents, he finds the constant criticism exhausting, but he does it because he cares about me and wants us to try, at least for the sake of family relationships. He supports me emotionally during arguments, helps buffer the kids from criticism, and reminds me that it’s not my fault my parents behave this way. Even with him, the tension is exhausting and the sadness feels constant.
Even outside big arguments, the micro criticisms make every day stressful. Little things, sideways comments about how the boys eat their food, jokes about my “bad choices,” sighs at the way we do things, make me feel like I’m constantly under a microscope. She says we’ve become to America and hates how American her grandkids are. Apparently it makes her very sad. The boys notice the tension too, and I worry about how it will affect them. I feel guilty for exposing them to it. They absolutely adore their grandparents and they have a good time with them, my parents do love them boys and make the effort I guess maybe it’s just me that’s the issue.
I love my parents and want the boys to have a relationship with them, but I also need to protect my mental health and my family’s happiness. I’m torn between wanting to share the joy of this pregnancy and shielding myself and my family from unnecessary stress and criticism.
AIBU for wanting to keep my pregnancy to myself for now? Or am I overreacting and should I just tell them and accept that this is how they are?
Has anyone else had judgmental parents who make it impossible to share good news or feel relaxed around them? How do you cope with sadness, anxiety, and constant judgment while still trying to maintain a relationship?