To wonder why she says this when I've asked her not to?

[Chefpig]

My mother will sometimes buy things for me, mostly for Christmas and birthdays. If she spends quite a bit of money, eg £30+, she'll say she wasn't going to tell her husband she'd bought it for me and to keep any money she has spent on me quiet from him. I have no idea why as he wouldn't judge her buying me anything or even bat an eyelid. I've asked her not to say that in the past as it makes me feel like I'm not worthy of her husband knowing I get gifts or something. I honestly don't know the reason for it but it really gets to me. He even sends his adult son hundreds of pounds per month as he lives abroad and doesn't work but my mum has this weird thing about her husband must not know when she's spent anything on me. It is so odd!

Have you asked her why she feels this way?

Maybe he’s financially abusive behind closed doors

Sounds like she is being financially abused and isn't 'allowed' to spend money. Have you asked her about it rather than told her to stop saying it. Sound like she is asking for help by saying it not trying to make you feel bad.

This isn't about you, her husband gives her a hard time for spending money- sounds like financial abuse. Is he controlling in other ways?

I have no idea why as he wouldn't judge her buying me anything or even bat an eyelid.

You don't know this. You don't know what he is like behind clothes doors.
Maybe ask her why she says that the next time she mentions it. She might be hoping you will ask because he could be financially abusive and she doesn't know how to broach the subject with you.

Does she also say this about spending money on herself?

This.

Mum, why do you feel you have to keep spending money on me a secret from husband?

Just stay quiet about it, as she asks.

Either he would give her a hard time over it - and you never know what goes on in someone else's marriage, or she feels guilty about spending more than he does, but loves you and wants to buy gifts for you anyway. £30 is not a huge amount in the grand scheme of things.

Either way, your only course of action is to do as she asks and say nothing. It isn't about you.

This has nothing to do with you being worthy/not worthy OP. I would say your mum is being financially abused, I'd try speaking to her about it.

Why have you not asked her what is going on that she is so frightened of him knowing OP?

Rather than being annoying it is really quite worrying that she feels the need to say this.

@Chefpig Are you ok? You have another thread running regarding your DM’s behaviour. I’m sorry you’re feeling so low on Christmas Day. Might it be worth reaching out to the Samaritans to discuss your feelings?

My Gran and my MIL were both like this for some reason; I think it goes back to them being in charge of the household finances back in the day when the husband would hand over his pay packet on the Friday.

I kinda liked the sneaky ‘wink wink just between you and me’ vibe of it 😁

I have asked her about it before and she has always maintained that he absolutely would not have an issue with him spending it, and says its her that wants to keep it from him. I've seen them together and she regularly snaps at him and gives him the silent treatment over the slightest thing so I don't think she's being financially abused. There's also no reason why she wouldn't open up to me when I ask why she feels the need to keep it a secret from him.

It's a weird relationship. If we're all out together and my mum is struggling to walk, I suggest he go and get the car rather than my mum have to walk to it but he will never do this, never offer to make my mums life easier in any way. If he goes to to say, the bank, I'll say let's go for a coffee and we can meet him there after he's been to the bank as he may be a while. She won't and she'll be all like, 'but he may not find us'. In a town he's lived for 15+ years.

I'm not really. I'll give samaritans a call later. Thank you 😊