I feel so sad and emotional and am finding things really hard tonight. Sorry this is long but I just needed to offload.
I live about 1.5 hours away from my mum and dad and speak to them most days. I am an only child and they are both 82. My mum has a form of blood cancer and this has impacted her quality of life significantly over the last few years. She is very thin and has no energy at all, but despite this, she and my dad were both living independently and managing. Last week, my mum developed a terribly bad back and then suddenly couldn't move at all. My dad tried to move her on to the bed and she kept screaming in pain - but wouldn't let him call an ambulance. My dad sat up.with her all night. She deteriorated and became delirious and eventually he called the surgery and a doctor came to the house and called an ambulance . He stayed up another whole night waiting for the ambulance, which took 14 hours to arrive. I drove to the hospital and met the ambulance there and my mum was so poorly. She did recognise me.and had some very lucid moments, but was also confused and hallucinating. Her sats were critically low and after a few hours, a doctor had to have the DNR conversation with me and explained that they were very worried she may not make it, as at that time she wasn't responding to treatment. He said she was unlikely to survive a resuscitation attempt and I agreed with DNR. It was so scary and even though I am 47, I have always been the child in the relationship and suddenly I had to become the adult. I honestly thought she was going to die that day...
I have spent many hours in the hospital over the last 5 days and have done a good job of holding it together and being sensible, grown up and practical, but I have come home today to my house and it has all hit me and I am a weeping mess. My mum.has a lot going on healthwise (it was a severe UTI causing the hallucinations and delirium), but is over the critical part and has turned a mini corner. However, she has fractures on her back, and is now facing weeks/months of rehab in another hospital, as she is still in huge amounts of pain and cannot walk. I honestly think this will.be a living nightmare for her..I.know she will hate the loss.of independence and will feel defeated. I think.she will.simply give up. She is so sad and asked me how her life has come to this... i can't stop re-hearing those words. She is 82, and although she is frail and old, I don't think she ever viewed herself like that.
My poor dad is so tired and suddenly very lost, so I am.worried about him too. This has really hit him and I just keep thinking that in the space of a week, their lives have potentially turned on their heads and things may never be as they were.. I don't know if my mum.will ever be well enough to return home.. and I worry how I will be able to help when I live 1.5 hours away and work full time and my DS is in school. They do have good friends and neighbours and people around them, but as the only daughter I feel a huge sense of duty.
My uncle is bringing my dad to.our house for Christmas lunch tomorrow (he and my mum were supposed to come), and it just made me so sad laying the table without a place for my mum and thinking of her spending Christmas in a hospital bed with such an uncertain future ahead..I know I will need to paint on a brave face for everyone tomorrow - especially my dad and my son, but I am just finding it tricky. I am also very tired and trying to get my head around all the events of the last few days. It all just feels a bit overwhelming... Thank you for reading.